Aftermath

Some feelings are starting to kick in about the unprotected sex.

was curious to try it; I was even at a point where I would have considered going ahead with it, had The Pedant asked me to.  I mean that in-between Pedant visits, when I was alone in my apartment and my mind wasn’t all clouded by sex, I started thinking that I might be willing to go for it even if The Pedant was sleeping with other people, as long as he always used condoms with them.  And if The Pedant had initiated a rational discussion about this before we engaged in any sexytimes – if he’d been all “I have decided that I probably would like to forego condoms with you, but let’s negotiate the terms,” it’s possible I would have agreed ahead of time to the stuff that actually ended up happening.

And I’m certain if I’d said “stop” during the sex at any point, The Pedant would have stopped.  So technically, I wasn’t forced or coerced into doing things I didn’t want.  Or…not quite.  I’d still probably rather have waited on the bareback stuff until he’d gotten a fresh STD test.

But I warned The Pedant that close genital contact doesn’t constitute safer sex after the first time he was rubbing up against me, and he went ahead and did it (and more!) again the next time we started fooling around.  And he never used his words – not to tell me he was warming up to my offer and not to ask me how I’d feel about trying stuff.  Basically, he put me in a position where the bareback sex was opt-out rather than opt-in – he forced me to make an important decision about my personal safety while I was all stupefied and turned on.

He is looking so shitty and manipulative right now.

I brought up the idea of unprotected sex to The Pedant because I trusted him to keep me safe.  The fact that he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to do that with me and would have to think about it made me trust him even more – made me believe that he was a really safe bet because obviously he wasn’t the type to just throw caution to the wind with any girl who offered.

If he’d fucking told me ahead of time that he’d considered my offer and was interested (and didn’t start putting his junk all up in my business without my explicit permission), I’d still trust him right now.  Hell, even if he’d done everything the same right up to asking me if I wanted him to come inside me but then pulled out and said “Y’know what, I shouldn’t put this decision on you right now” and put on a condom, I would still trust him (and I wouldn’t have protested him stopping and putting a condom on; I would’ve felt relieved, actually).

But rubbing his dick up against my ladybits and just kind of hoping I’d be too turned on to stop him?  What the actual fuck?

Also: initially he’d agreed that we should both be tested for STDs before embarking on unprotected sex.  I haven’t been tested in years, and he knows this*.  So…all I can think is that his desire to get his dick wet ultimately overwhelmed all practical considerations and he caved.  So much for him being someone who wouldn’t throw caution to the wind.

I hate when I have hot sex that makes me feel conflicted.  I was totally gonna use that incident as wank fodder and now I don’t think I can because it raises icky feelings.  And I’m not sure I can fuck The Pedant bareback again, either (or at all, the way I’m feeling right now…).  He’s shown himself to be someone who caves to temptation too easily and doesn’t use his words enough and I can’t afford to take risks with someone like that.

I’ll give him maybe a day or two of silence as a courtesy, since he’ll be dealing with the family shit surrounding his grandfather’s funeral.  Then I’ll email him basically telling him everything I’ve said above.  I’m hoping he can reassure me enough that I’ll feel comfortable continuing to see him; I really like fucking him and would prefer not to stop.  But if he gets defensive or doesn’t understand what the problem is…we might be done here.

 

*He also knows I’ve only slept with one person since then: Minx.  But he doesn’t know Minx’s STD status and he hasn’t asked whether I’ve had other, non-intercourse kinds of sexual contact with people since Minx.  In other words, The Pedant is not being as careful as I’d want a sex partner of mine to be.

 

16 Comments

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16 responses to “Aftermath

  1. I’m kind of reluctant to comment here because this is so personal and you feel what you feel and that’s your right.

    But… (ugly word, that)… but how is it not hypocritical to get all up in arms about how HE got clouded in his judgement and didn’t use his words when he’s all aroused, when YOU got clouded in your judgement and didn’t use your words because you were all aroused?

    I don’t get this ‘one minute it’s hot, the next minute he’s a dick’ thing that people do (and frankly, it scares me as a top). It just seems so ‘revisionist history’ and all about ‘I shouldn’t have done that, I made a decision I’m not happy with, but it’s his fault because he’s a jerk and took advantage’ to me.

    Frankly, it scares me as a top to see the mindset of ‘I’ll make HIM make the decision (“I’m going to keep still, gee I hope he fucks me”) so that I don’t have to take responsibility, then blame him when I am sorry later.”

    I apologise if this sounds harsh because I really enjoy your honesty and self reflection and don’t want you to feel hammered over it. I understand if you don’t want to publish this, and I wish you luck with it.

    Ferns

    • how is it not hypocritical to get all up in arms about how HE got clouded in his judgement and didn’t use his words when he’s all aroused, when YOU got clouded in your judgement and didn’t use your words because you were all aroused?

      Now that I’ve had some processing time and some sleep, I’m feeling better about things – less like The Pedant deliberately took advantage of me and more like he was just…kinda stupid.

      But at any rate, the difference is that he was active in this: he was the one who kept putting his junk up close to mine and ultimately pushed forward. Had he not done any of these things, the barebacking wouldn’t have happened. Ergo, the incident was – in the most literal sense of the word – his fault.

      I would never force someone to make an important decision about their health while compromised (and being turned on does compromise one’s mental faculties). That’s why I had that initial bareback conversation via text and not in the heat of the moment, and why I didn’t push the issue the next time I saw him (or even mention it at all). It saddens me that The Pedant didn’t extend the same courtesy. It also scares me that he went ahead and fucked me when I didn’t meet our pre-agreed condition of having been recently tested. I wonder how likely he is to get similarly “carried away” with someone else? Can I really trust him?

      How I felt about the sex – or whether or not I wanted it – is not the point here at all. The point is that The Pedant didn’t conduct himself well. It was terribly irresponsible of him to initiate the sex the way he did, without having a sober discussion with me first. I’d expect this behaviour from one of my old high school boyfriends (with good reason; several of them did try to sneak into me that way, so maybe I’m a bit triggered right now) but not from a rational thirty-two year old man.

      Also: after our first sexing, when we were totally clear-headed, I indicated that I wasn’t comfortable with him rubbing his genitals on mine, as per safer sex standards – but he did that and more the next time. And proceeded to come inside me when I hadn’t actually said yes to that. Which is…not great.

    • Frankly, it scares me as a top to see the mindset of ‘I’ll make HIM make the decision (“I’m going to keep still, gee I hope he fucks me”) so that I don’t have to take responsibility, then blame him when I am sorry later.”

      I can’t believe I missed this the first time around but to be clear, none of this was about “what if I’m sorry later.” It was about whether HE would be sorry later.

      I went into this encounter feeling okay about the possibility of condomless sex, and willing to deal with whatever consequences there might be. But when I discussed it with The Pedant beforehand, he said he did NOT want to have sex without a condom just yet.

      So later on when things were hot and heavy and it seemed like he was going to fuck me bareback anyway, I held still and didn’t encourage anything because I was RESPECTING HIS WISHES. He had said that he did not want his unwrapped penis in my vagina, so I did not put it there. He then chose to put his unwrapped penis into my vagina of his own free will, which pretty strongly indicates that he’d changed his mind and consented to the act. Would it have been *nice* of me to stop him and go “Hey are you SURE you wanna do this? Because earlier you said you didn’t”? Sure. But I do not feel it’s my RESPONSIBILITY to do so. Guys often expect to be able to do stupid things and their female partners will pick up the slack and have willpower enough for both of them and that’s bullshit. Accountability is 50/50. I was making sure I held up my end. That’s all.

  2. PS I feel uncomfortably like I’m fudging the area of consent with that comment because I DO see your point, but I will admit to ‘feeling out’ my submissive based on a bunch of factors and don’t always explicitly ask for consent for everything, so the idea of him one minute thinking an experience was ‘amazing’ and then revising it to say ‘nope, now I’m upset and angry about it’ scares me stupid.

    Ferns

    • I’m fairly sure you’re not doing things that could result in someone getting a disease.

      The BDSM equivalent to what happened with The Pedant isn’t, say, going a bit further in some activity than you had previously, or improvising a new thing you have every reason to believe they’d enjoy. It’s playing with someone you’ve done needleplay with before, waiting until they’re all zonked out in subspace, and going “Okay, let’s break out the needles! …These are dirty, but that’s okay, right?”

  3. I kind of have to agree with Ferns here. Maybe our comments are more of a relief to you than accusations, I hope? From what you’ve written The Pedant seems to be reading you well, and I’d wager this was one of those times and not his way of taking advantage of your aroused and bewildered state.

    Also: you didn’t say anything, you did nothing to stop the action and you actually hoped he would penetrate you. You were actively participating in all the (amazing) sex. I’m sure he was reading between the lines and not just following his own desires on this. He doesn’t sound like a guy like that – especially since he took a lot of time to even adjust to the thought. I think your first instincts were accurate and these afterthoughts are just pouring in because you feel a little uneasy about the barebacking.

    That’s just it. You had earlier invited him into barebacking, and although the conditions (STD tests) hadn’t been met, there’s a strong sense of consent to barebacking anyway. The Pedant might have known he wasn’t supposed to penetrate you, but he didn’t do it against your will. You can’t really blame him for being careless since he’s the one who has been tested… Also, do you know when he last had sex with someone else? Has there even been one occasion between now and the testing? His bragging ways might well have made him embellish a little.

    I used to feel like you feel now after some hard d/s scenes and I put the whole weight of it on Wonderboy. I realize now that it was my own shit to bare, but I didn’t at the time. What you described happening between you two sure sounded like you were both suffering from clouded judgment and it resulted in consensual, steaming hot sex… but maybe wasn’t the wisest move. It just feels that it’s not fair to pin it on The Pedant.

    Hugs! I’m sure when you talk with him it will turn out fine.

    • you didn’t say anything, you did nothing to stop the action and you actually hoped he would penetrate you.

      Yes – because it was the heat of the moment and I was turned on and tempted. Had he asked me beforehand whether I wanted to have unprotected sex, my answer might have been different. And that’s why he wasn’t playing fair.

      You can’t really blame him for being careless since he’s the one who has been tested

      Okay, so arguably he didn’t put me in any huge danger…but how is it supposed to comfort me knowing my non-monogamous partner can get “carried away” and have sex with someone who doesn’t meet his own standards of safety?

      And anyway I’d guess we each pose about equal risk to each other. He has two other partners but was tested more recently; I have none but haven’t been tested in years (and had HPV back then, actually).

      do you know when he last had sex with someone else? Has there even been one occasion between now and the testing?

      I don’t know for sure when the last time was, but I’d bet good money he has had sex with someone since he was last tested.

      Overall, I’m less angry than I was, and no longer necessarily believe The Pedant deliberately manipulated me. But I maintain – and I’m not changing my mind on this – that he shouldn’t have conducted himself the way he did. Introducing the prospect of unprotected sex during sexytimes and not in a rational discussion was Not Okay.

      • I hear you. It was not okay, and I’m happy to see you could have an open conversation about it, and he admitted it. I never meant to imply that you shouldn’t feel like he trespassed your boundaries, just that he probably didn’t do it in ill will, and also is most likely not aware of everything expected of him in your relationship – just like you’re not sure about you two. That must affect his ability to communicate about the sexual things between you two. His very formal way of speaking about it later on might be a way to hide how uncertain, scared and fragile he (might) be about what happens between you two.

        I can wholly appreciate how you feel that he should’ve waited for words and how by not doing it and by going with the heat of the moment he failed your trust. Only you can determine, probably only in the future of your relationship, how it’s going to come back up and how much damage it did. But I wanted to show you my perspective, because earlier on I wouldn’t have been able to say yes (or no) at all in the sack, and as The Pedant has been known to be like that, it doesn’t strike me as odd that he’d not wait for your words as signal either. We treat the people we are with as they were like us… unless we’ve been over and over that we are actually not alike. 🙂 It just takes a lot of time and a lot of conversation. A lot.

        Ps. If he would’ve been all “Dude, that was days ago and pfft it was only an accident, no need to discuss it”, I would’ve changed my view and told you so, too! I’m on your side, I swear. ❤

  4. Brugmansia

    I hope you and The Pedant aren’t done! (Though obviously, that’s totally your call and not the call of your blog readers, hehe.)

    I agree that The Pedant was not deliberately manipulating you. (I mean, to what purpose? You were the one who suggested barebacking, and laid out a straightforward path to getting there, no manipulation necessary.) Depending on how negatively you view ditching condoms, he may be considered stupid, careless, or irresponsible. The point at which he was most irresponsible, however, was not during sex; it was beforehand, when he apparently came to the (correct) conclusion that you were open to not using condoms, but failed to gain your explicit confirmation that this was the case.

    You seem quite responsible and level-headed and self-aware, and I can see where it would suck to be THE responsible half of a relationship. (Also, I generally don’t believe relationships can work with too great an imbalance, but then, I know couples who claim to happily rely on one person to be the responsible one, and I don’t mean D/s couples.) Perhaps your ideal partner is equally or more cautious, but I think the downside of being super responsible regarding physical health (or super anything, really) is that you’re going to be more responsible (or whatever) than a lot of your potential partners. It seems like The Pedant really disappointed you by not sticking to his no unprotected PIV rule. But from the (way, way) outside, it seems like he just isn’t always as rational and responsible as you’d wish, and you possibly have different ideas about how vitally important protected sex and physical health are.* I do think it’s a great idea to share with him your concerns as you say you will via email. I just really hope the two of you are able to agree on shared rules and priorities for the future, and that there is a future.

    Other random thoughts on unprotected sex:

    – If The Pedant ends up with an STD, he may blame you, completely unfairly. I’ve been there.

    – If you and The Pedant consider using tests to declare yourselves disease free for each other, keep in mind that STDs have test windows, ie a period of time after exposure BEFORE a test will turn up positive.

    * When I write it like that, it sounds like considering physical health as anything less than the TOP priority is just flat wrong. But … there’s only one fool-proof way to avoid transmitting infections through sex, and that’s to not have sex. You can get STDs by going down on someone without condoms or dental dams and you can get stuff like genital herpes even with condoms.

    Sex to me has always been a serious mental and emotional experience, even ‘casual’ sex with one night stands, and I find that focusing solely on the physical health-related aspects of having sex can sort of undermine the significance of the mental and emotional sides. I think this was probably a big step for The Pedant, and I’d be wary of making it seem like you remember it primarily as evidence that he can’t be trusted, and secondly as a giant health error. For your own sake, too, don’t lose sight of how it was also super hot and (I do believe) an expression of love.

    • You seem quite responsible and level-headed and self-aware, and I can see where it would suck to be THE responsible half of a relationship.

      YES. This is exactly it. I feel like guys often feel free to cut corners with safer sex practices, since they risk a lot less than I do (they can’t get pregnant, they’re less likely to catch an STD from me than vice-versa). And/or they’re slapdash with condoms because “You don’t understaaaaaand! Guys just get stupid when we’re turned on! We can’t be expected to remember to put a condom on!”

      …All of which means that I can rarely entirely let go and enjoy myself during sex because I’m usually having to be vigilant and double-check my partner’s precautions. And I do manage to abide by my own safety rules, even though I get stupid when I’m turned on, too, because if something is vitally important then you set it as a priority before the sex and then stick to it on autopilot.

      (I suppose the problem I encountered with The Pedant is that I didn’t set my autopilot. I’d had no idea he was even opening up to the idea of going bareback, so I didn’t think it was a thing I needed to deal with any time soon.)

      So yeah. I was hoping The Pedant had the same stringent standards that I do, but apparently he doesn’t, and that’s disappointing.

      The point at which he was most irresponsible, however, was not during sex; it was beforehand, when he apparently came to the (correct) conclusion that you were open to not using condoms, but failed to gain your explicit confirmation that this was the case.

      Yes, this. I was very careful to bring up the idea of unprotected sex to him at a neutral time and give him lots of room to process it. He didn’t extend me the same courtesy. And I didn’t give blanket consent to barebacking, I said if he’s recently tested clean and hasn’t been with anyone else since. I might be open to it. So there were things to discuss and there was consent to be obtained.

      It seems like The Pedant really disappointed you by not sticking to his no unprotected PIV rule. But from the (way, way) outside, it seems like he just isn’t always as rational and responsible as you’d wish, and you possibly have different ideas about how vitally important protected sex and physical health are.

      That’s probably what everyone else above was trying to tell me, but your phrasing here rings true for me in a way that has helped me understand things better.

      I think I’m over the idea that The Pedant acted in a manipulative or predatory way. He just stirred up echoes of past experiences, I guess. I have just sent him an email, and it was considerably toned down from what I was initially going to say (and my first draft wasn’t all that harsh either, really).

      For your own sake, too, don’t lose sight of how it was also super hot and (I do believe) an expression of love.

      An expression of like, anyway. Or closeness, or something. And thank you; this is good advice. 🙂

  5. Brugmansia

    “… if something is vitally important then you set it as a priority before the sex and then stick to it on autopilot. ”

    Yep. When I was young and crazier, I once ended up in bed with three even younger men (I was 25, they were 21-22) and one thing led to another until one took out a condom. I (easily, horribly) talked them into going bareback, and proceeded to take one at a time – until the third boy got his turn, whipped out a condom, and very nicely but firmly told me that he was wrapping his up. There he was, a 22 year old kid in the midst of group sex with an American girl and a couple of his buddies, hard and definitely aroused and probably quite surprised to find himself in this situation, in a friendly environment that nonetheless had to have carried the weight of some peer pressure to do me bareback, AND HE WAS ON AUTOPILOT. “I’m a boy, I’m stupid when I’m turned on” is so not an excuse.

    “An expression of like, anyway. Or closeness, or something.”

    Haha, that’s good, too! I use ‘like’ and ‘love’ way too interchangeably, I’m afraid.

  6. I’m not sure if I ought to, but I just wanted to say that I completely agree that this was a less-than-good consent situation. Consent is only-yes-means yes, involves actually asking and getting and answer when everyone is in a good enough headspace for this. People are free to do differently as long as both they and their partners are fine with this. And you’re free to feel and do whatever you want with it. And I wish good things for you.
    But if you were upset, you’d have every right to be, and he’s definitely the one who did the not-OK things.
    (I’m sorry again, this post sounds ridiculous. It’s just that the ‘revisionist history’ and ‘you’re just as much at fault’ things above reminded me way too much of victim blaming in sexual assault cases I’ve read, and that rather upset me, even with this being a very different situation).

    • I just wanted to say that I completely agree that this was a less-than-good consent situation. Consent is only-yes-means yes, involves actually asking and getting and answer when everyone is in a good enough headspace for this.

      THANK YOU. I’m not sure all my commenters “get” that and I was starting to think I was crazy.

      It’s just that the ‘revisionist history’ and ‘you’re just as much at fault’ things above reminded me way too much of victim blaming in sexual assault cases I’ve read

      Me too – very much so.

      I was sexually assaulted once by a friend – I fell asleep and awoke to him kissing and groping me. At one point he asked “Is this okay?” and I blearily mumbled “I don’t know…I can’t think…” and he kept going. I did kiss back. I was so out of it I barely knew what was going on. I did have a boyfriend at the time – someone who would at times kiss me awake consensually – and I think part of me assumed that if someone was waking me up with his tongue in my mouth, it must logically be my boyfriend.

      And – I guess because women are so totally socialized not to make a scene, and because my friend had been acting as though kissing and groping me was no big deal so it would’ve felt doubly weird to freak out about it – after the incident I emailed him telling him I had a nice time and even thanking him for the makeouts.

      And then over the course of the next few days I gradually began to feel nauseous at the idea of ever talking to or seeing that guy again, so I cut off contact.

      This was not me having a fun time and then inexplicably changing my mind about it and blaming him for everything. This was me being sexually assaulted and not having an immediate visceral reaction to it because I was in shock..

      And I know it’s a very different situation from the mostly consensual sex I just had with The Pedant, but still – when someone talks about women randomly changing their minds about some sex they had and blaming the guy over nothing, I get pretty pissed off. Because it’s actually really common for rape and sexual assault victims to be in shock at first, even to the point of rationalizing that the sex was fun. It’s also really common for a rape victim to go along with the rape as a self-preservation measure.

      • “This was me being sexually assaulted and not having an immediate visceral reaction to it because I was in shock.”
        “I guess because women are so totally socialized not to make a scene, and because my friend had been acting as though kissing and groping me was no big deal so it would’ve felt doubly weird to freak out about it”

        Yeah, the same thing happened to me. (A guy I was doing a consensual beating scene with kept non-consensually groping me with the implement. And during I was basically thinking ‘I don’t want to make a fuss, I shouldn’t be too demanding, people don’t like that’. And then a bit afterwards it hit me and I went and cried for three hours).

        Anyway, I’m really glad my comment was validating and not the opposite for you – I was trying to strike a balance between ‘validating not-OK feelings’ and ‘not labeling other people’s experiences’, and was worried about how it turned out.

        But victim blaming and gaslighting is kind of triggering for me. It already was, and then when the above happened to me, I was doing it to *myself* – it took me those three hours of crying in a very awesome person’s arms and then several discussion to convince myself that what happened was actually not OK, and the only person I was arguing with was myself. The idea of having to argue with other people making those same arguments, with no one on my side, is terrifying. So I hate leaving people alone against it, even in not-like-that situations.

        Anyway, the ‘randomly changing your mind’ and ‘equal participants’ arguments are also just really confusing to me. If you have one set of feelings, and then another set of feelings, well then, that’s what happened. Pretending one of the sets didn’t happen is plain out not true. And like between these entires, it makes perfect sense that feelings might be masked by sexy-hormones and such, and show up later (which is in turn why negotiation under sexy-hormones cannot replace negotiation beforehand). And, obviously there’s a difference between doing something and not stopping someone from doing something, where the person who actually did it is the one responsible.

        • I just wish so much that The Pedant had talked to me about this stuff ahead of time. He told me afterward that he didn’t intend for things to go as far as they did. Clearly, his self-control is not as strong as mine – I have an iron will, as long as I can set my “autopilot” while I’m in my right mind.

          But to set my autopilot, I need to know ahead of time that there might be an issue. Had The Pedant told me he’d become interested in barebacking, I would have considered that he might get overly tempted in the moment. I would have said “Self, do not bareback under any circumstances, no matter how awesome of an idea it might seem in the moment.” And then when he made his move, I would’ve stopped him.

          I had no idea he was getting so into the condom-free idea, though, and he’s always been rigorous enough about using them before, so I hadn’t mentally prepared.

          It occurs to me, too, that even if you set aside the consent issues, there’s still the fact that The Pedant put me in the horrible dilemma of simultaneously wanting and not-wanting something, and having to choose. That’s just mean.

      • I have also been raped by a friend of a friend in my then-boyfriend’s bed on similar tactics. It was traumatizing and came back as exactly the kind of painful emotional build-up later on with Wonderboy as I thought might be at play here. But this, what happened now, was a completely different scenario, as you said – consensual, intimate and loving (liking). It’s completely different, when someone is in your bed without any consent to anything and trying to force consent out of you during it, and when they are doing consensual sexual things with you, but accidentally go too far without fully realizing the consequences. These are not on the same level, at all. It’s okay to be hurt, when something goes awry, and it most certainly is a place to have a conversation! But I don’t think it should be a place where you compare your lover to a rapist and feel almost as bad.

        Rape is a bitch, and you carry it with you for the rest of your life: the knowledge that your body is never truly yours. But sometimes people do make honest mistakes. I know I’ve made them, too. Not everyone is bad, though, and consent and sexuality and boundaries are really hard especially with a new partner. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what their intent was, because the mistake was that grave, but sometimes it does.

        We don’t know what would’ve happened, if you’d said “I don’t know” and not only made the animal sound. It’s pretty hard to interpret animal sounds, but I bet he wouldn’t have acted the same way, if you had actually say something. Because words are powerful, and “I don’t know” is a huge red flag for anyone who cares about you – as I’m sure The Pedant really does.

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