Some feelings are starting to kick in about the unprotected sex.
I was curious to try it; I was even at a point where I would have considered going ahead with it, had The Pedant asked me to. I mean that in-between Pedant visits, when I was alone in my apartment and my mind wasn’t all clouded by sex, I started thinking that I might be willing to go for it even if The Pedant was sleeping with other people, as long as he always used condoms with them. And if The Pedant had initiated a rational discussion about this before we engaged in any sexytimes – if he’d been all “I have decided that I probably would like to forego condoms with you, but let’s negotiate the terms,” it’s possible I would have agreed ahead of time to the stuff that actually ended up happening.
And I’m certain if I’d said “stop” during the sex at any point, The Pedant would have stopped. So technically, I wasn’t forced or coerced into doing things I didn’t want. Or…not quite. I’d still probably rather have waited on the bareback stuff until he’d gotten a fresh STD test.
But I warned The Pedant that close genital contact doesn’t constitute safer sex after the first time he was rubbing up against me, and he went ahead and did it (and more!) again the next time we started fooling around. And he never used his words – not to tell me he was warming up to my offer and not to ask me how I’d feel about trying stuff. Basically, he put me in a position where the bareback sex was opt-out rather than opt-in – he forced me to make an important decision about my personal safety while I was all stupefied and turned on.
He is looking so shitty and manipulative right now.
I brought up the idea of unprotected sex to The Pedant because I trusted him to keep me safe. The fact that he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to do that with me and would have to think about it made me trust him even more – made me believe that he was a really safe bet because obviously he wasn’t the type to just throw caution to the wind with any girl who offered.
If he’d fucking told me ahead of time that he’d considered my offer and was interested (and didn’t start putting his junk all up in my business without my explicit permission), I’d still trust him right now. Hell, even if he’d done everything the same right up to asking me if I wanted him to come inside me but then pulled out and said “Y’know what, I shouldn’t put this decision on you right now” and put on a condom, I would still trust him (and I wouldn’t have protested him stopping and putting a condom on; I would’ve felt relieved, actually).
But rubbing his dick up against my ladybits and just kind of hoping I’d be too turned on to stop him? What the actual fuck?
Also: initially he’d agreed that we should both be tested for STDs before embarking on unprotected sex. I haven’t been tested in years, and he knows this*. So…all I can think is that his desire to get his dick wet ultimately overwhelmed all practical considerations and he caved. So much for him being someone who wouldn’t throw caution to the wind.
I hate when I have hot sex that makes me feel conflicted. I was totally gonna use that incident as wank fodder and now I don’t think I can because it raises icky feelings. And I’m not sure I can fuck The Pedant bareback again, either (or at all, the way I’m feeling right now…). He’s shown himself to be someone who caves to temptation too easily and doesn’t use his words enough and I can’t afford to take risks with someone like that.
I’ll give him maybe a day or two of silence as a courtesy, since he’ll be dealing with the family shit surrounding his grandfather’s funeral. Then I’ll email him basically telling him everything I’ve said above. I’m hoping he can reassure me enough that I’ll feel comfortable continuing to see him; I really like fucking him and would prefer not to stop. But if he gets defensive or doesn’t understand what the problem is…we might be done here.
*He also knows I’ve only slept with one person since then: Minx. But he doesn’t know Minx’s STD status and he hasn’t asked whether I’ve had other, non-intercourse kinds of sexual contact with people since Minx. In other words, The Pedant is not being as careful as I’d want a sex partner of mine to be.