It was a pleasant surprise that The Pedant immediately set about giving me an orgasm after having one of his own. Usually he’s too sleepy.
Sadly, I never did manage to come. The Pedant – perhaps emboldened by having made direct clitoral contact on me with his tongue the night before – was sort of dragging the Hitachi up into my clit from underneath, grinding the vibrator right up against the tip. My “sweet spot” for getting off is actually above the tip, through the hood, but I decided to go with what The Pedant was doing just to see what would happen. I mean, clitoral contact used to hurt and now it doesn’t, so who knows what else about my responses might have changed? And The Pedant has been pretty perceptive about a lot of sexual things in the past.
The direct Hitachi stimulation did feel good. Oddly, at times the sensations left me kind of vulnerable and tearful the way I often get after an orgasm – except without the orgasm part. As I gasped and squirmed, I felt The Pedant (who was kneeling between my legs) shift his weight – I think he remembered what I’d said before about wanting something to fight against and he was angling to pin my legs under his if I began to come.
At one point I kinda-sorta started to feel like it might happen. I reached out blindly for The Pedant; I grasped his wrist and he grasped mine and I squeezed as my body began to slowly tense up. And it struck me that there’s something about him that makes me feel…safe. That it’s not just BDSM that can be a scary journey, it’s sex and orgasms in general, and this is a boy who knows how to pull me through the fire and out the other side.
The spectre of orgasm receded again. I had The Pedant move the Hitachi to my customary favourite spot, but by then it was too late – the jackhammer vibration had kind of numbed me. I told The Pedant I was numb and needed a break, and he switched off the Hitachi and said “I’ll get back to this later, then.” And he leaned his back against the wall and for a while we were both just silent; contemplative.
“So…the sex was intense…” I said, finally.
The Pedant laughed and agreed. And tried to tell me it had been a total accident – that he’d thought he was way further toward the front, rubbing my clit, but then oops he just kinda slipped in. I call bullshit on this, not least because he was looking down at his hand so he obviously knew damn well where he was pointing his business. I kind of wish I’d called bullshit out loud because come on, who does he think he’s kidding? But I didn’t want to fight with him after having just been so incredibly vulnerable, so I let it pass.
I asked The Pedant how he was feeling about it all. He said “Well, I’m going to try even harder to make that doctor’s appointment now.” Which I took to mean “I really enjoyed myself and want to do that again – to your standards, next time” but I suppose it just could’ve meant “Arrrgh I’m afraid you’ve given me cooties.”
I crawled across the bed to straddle his lap for cuddles and pointed out that poly folks often have one partner they bareback with and a bunch of others they use condoms with, so probably it’s not all that risky. By which I meant “I’m willing to loosen my initial conditions so we can do this a whole bunch more times” but now I’m wondering if he took it as “you’re not likely to have gotten cooties from me so don’t worry.”
“Promise me you don’t pull dangerous shit like this with your other partners, though,” I said. “No rubbing-together of unwrapped genitals. At all.” The Pedant swore it’s only been me.
We drifted off into small talk for a while and then he asked me “So…you really only have one other person under consideration right now, and nothing’s happened there yet?” I think he was referring to Willow, whom I’d mentioned before. I told him that Willow might very well be out of the picture for all I knew (flaky bastard), but now there’s The Baby Duck, with whom I’m having a second date soon. But I don’t anticipate things with him going to a naked place for a long time*. And, again, at the time I assumed he meant one thing by his question (“I’d like to fuck you without a condom again and I’m assessing my risks”) and it’s only just now occurring to me that he might mean something else (“I don’t know yet if I want to bareback again – I’m just making sure this time wasn’t too risky for me”).
We decided it was time to eat some dinner and watch Spaced. Somewhere in there, The Pedant checked his email and learned that his dead grandfather’s viewing was the following afternoon; he warned me that he might have to leave that night. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to go to the viewing and the funeral or if just the funeral (which was a day later) would be enough, so he called his mom to ask. It seemed obvious to me that his mom would tell him he had to go to the viewing – she is, after all, kind of biased on the subject – but whatever, The Pedant has to do what he has to do.
As he bent over to pick his phone up off the floor, I gave his ass a little squeeze. “Oh hi there,” he said, as he (adorably…) always does when I surprise him with lewdness or physical affection. “None of that while I’m on the phone, okay?” I don’t know why but I found this pre-emptive scolding really cute.
It felt weirdly intimate to me, eavesdropping on The Pedant’s conversation with his family. It’s a window into his life that I never had before. His mom told him he had to come to the viewing, of course. There was a long negotiation about whether she could throw his best black shirt into the laundry that night or not, and then he hung up. Initially, he sadly told me he’d have to leave later that night instead of staying over as planned. But then five minutes later he was talking to himself out loud and saying “Hmmm so the thing is at 1pm tomorrow…I should leave here by 10am at the latest, just to be safe…”
I guess he really, really didn’t want to leave my apartment. D’awwww. 😀
We watched the first disc of Spaced, and The Pedant was gloriously cuddly and affectionate the entire time. For a while he was spooned up behind me and would randomly plant kisses between my shoulder blades. Later, we were sitting up side by side and he kept stroking my back and nuzzling his head, catlike, against my shoulder. I was so totally blissed out. And yeah, in that moment, I loved him. The feelings may be inconstant and caused by sexy brain chemicals, but they’re still present and they feel exactly like any other time I’ve “genuinely” been in love, so fuck it, I’m calling these feelings real. Still probably not worth voicing to him out loud, but real nonetheless.
After the first disc was done, The Pedant said he needed a break from it – he said our previous Drawn Together marathon had made him feel kind of spacey and “out of it” so from now on he doesn’t wanna mainline an entire season of something all in a row like that. We snuggled and talked for a while and then I suggested we watch Sex, LIes, and Videotape, which I’ve been dying to revisit for a while and totally wanted to share with him. He was up for that.
The Pedant is totally down with watching the kind of slow, cerebral, character-driven movies that drive most people insane with boredom. He likes these sorts of movies and likes discussing them afterward and I looooooove that. It’s one of my favourite things about him, aside from his fingers. And his mouth. Rawr.
So we watched Sex, LIes, and Videotape, and he said he thought it was really good, and we deconstructed it for a while. And then The Pedant regretfully told me that he should get going soon, after all. He said he knows I’ve been having sleep problems lately and he didn’t want to be making me wake up at 8am for his benefit on top of all of that. He said that sure, maybe if we went to sleep right then (it was 10:30ish) we’d be totally rested when the alarm went off, but he didn’t feel like he’d be sleepy for at least another four hours.
“Is there anything I can do to make you sleepy?” I asked, licking the side of his neck.
“I’m afraid I’m still pretty spent from earlier,” he said. Damn – I’d been hoping to fuck him one more time before he left. Without a condom, because as long as it’s during the course of the same visit, it still counts as one mistake, not two. (IT DOES TOO. SHUT UP.)
“Yeah…jeez, we had sex twice within just a few hours,” I marvelled. “That’s pretty impressive, actually.”
And then we got on the topic of the first night, somehow, and I started giggling controllably and The Pedant smirked “What’s so funny?” and I pantomimed giving a hand job while giving a little soliloquy: Hmmm. Is he…is he breathing like a person who’s just fallen asleep? Or could this just be sex-breathing? Oh, no, he’s got the leg twitchies now. I guess it’s time to stop.
The Pedant protested that it had been a really long day, and I was like “Dude! I’m not criticizing. It was adorable. I just can’t get my head around this thing you do where you can’t predict whatsoever that you’re about to fall asleep. I mean, you said yes to sex, and then five minutes later – zzzzzzzzzzz. This is not really a thing that happens to me, so it’s interesting.”
The Pedant kept being mildly defensive and I kept telling him he’s adorable and then I think we just shut up and kissed a little bit. Then he went and showered and came back into the living room to get dressed again for the first time in like two days. My floor is dusted with grit and cat hair and he didn’t want anything to come off his feet onto his clothes, so he ended up balancing precariously on one leg, cleaning off the sole of the elevated foot with his sticky lint-roller thing, and stepping into one leg of his underwear and pants simultaneously. Then repeating on the other side. “As amusing as this clearly is to you,” he snarked, as I sat on the couch ogling and giggling, “I still think you’d benefit from getting a Roomba.”
Before he zipped up his pants, he pulled then down again slightly to reveal a pair of boxer briefs I’d never seen on him before. “How do these look on me, by the way?” he asked.
“Uh, pretty fucking spectacular, actually,” I said, my mouth gone dry with lust. The Pedant has never asked me how he looks in anything before: another first.
He told me the underwear was a new brand he’d found at a discount store and he likes them because they’re Canadian-made. Then he casually said, “We need to get together again soon to make up for me being called away early. I never did get to help you tidy in here.” This is the thing about The Pedant – when he says he’ll do something, he generally does it. He doesn’t just toss out offers of favours and then never speak of it again.
We talked a bit about how we would attack the mess. He thinks I should hang a bunch of shelves, and asked me to save them for him so he can play with a drill “…and possibly some spackle.”
I said “Well, if you think you’ll end up needing spackle, I should probably do the drilling. I’ve hung up all the other shelves you see in here and as you can see, I did a decent job.”
“Fair enough,” The Pedant said, “But save the shelf-hanging for me, anyway, because an extra pair of hands is always handy for that sort of thing…I mean, there are lots of tasks a person could do by themselves, but that doesn’t mean they should.”
I bragged that I put my bed together by myself and that actually said on the package that two people are required “…although, there was one corner where I couldn’t get the bolt to go in so I just left it out. And part of the infrastructure is kept in place by a wad of Q-tips.”
“Dude!” The Pedant said. facepalming. “Okay, the next time I come over we’re gonna fix your bed. And I think you mentioned you were thinking of buying another dresser – do that, and save it for me so we can assemble it together. And buy some shelves, too, and we’ll put those up.” It really is amazing to me how eager he is to do things for me. And for a while there, this eagerness seemed to disappear. Why is it back? What happened?
The Pedant was finally dressed and ready to go. I walked him down to my front door and we kissed a few times. “We’ll do this again soon,” he murmured.
“Yes,” I said. “Once the funeral dust has died down, make me an offer.”
“‘Funeral dust’? That was a really unfortunate turn of phrase.”
“Well, you try to be witty or coherent when you haven’t slept properly in a week or so.”
We kissed again and he left.
When I got back upstairs, I realized that I’d never specifically complimented The Pedant on his oral skills. It suddenly seemed vitally important that I do so – I didn’t want him to get discouraged by my lack of orgasm or lack of commentary and not do it again.
So (after a brief debate over whether it would look too clingy) I texted him: “You’re amazing with your mouth, btw. I think I was too incoherent to say so in the moment so I’m making sure you know now.”
That was around two days ago and he hasn’t replied at all, which – predictably – is driving me insane. But he’s going through a bunch of family shit right now so I’m just gonna back off and wait for him to emerge.
I hope he actually does want to get together again soon (sooner than the every-two-or-three-weeks thing that is our pattern). And I hope all these lovely new characteristics he’s been displaying stay intact.
Seriously, WTF happened to him? I feel like his behaviour toward me for the past month or more has been “pleasantly neutral” at best, and now he’s:
-Telling me repeatedly that he’s looking forward to seeing me
-Asking upfront to spend two consecutive nights in a row with me, and being disappointed when it turns out he can’t
-Being super-eager to help me out around the house again
-Being extra-kissy and snuggly with me again
-Being more passionate and responsive in bed than he’s ever been before
–Making eye contact during sex for the first time ever, deliberately, as though looking to foster a deeper intimacy with me
-Revealing to me that he wants loving relationships and not just meaningless sex
Somewhere in my psyche is a little girl living in a world of rainbows and glitter and ponies, and she would like to believe that The Pedant has suddenly had an epiphany about my awesomeness and is falling for me. Or that he’s been falling for me all along and any hiccups in the process were just me being paranoid and misinterpreting things. However, cynical grown-up me is willing to attribute all of this to some passing fancy. Maybe springtime is making The Pedant extra-horny. Maybe he’s just moody for no particular reason, and his affections randomly ebb and flow.
Whatever. I’m hoping these new changes stay steady but I’m bracing myself in case it all goes away, or in case the closeness scared The Pedant and now he’ll back way off for a while out of self-preservation.
Oh, by the way, I am aware that him fucking me without a condom was very, very sketchy. Yes, I’d decided I didn’t mind barebacking with him while he was seeing other partners, after all, but I hadn’t told him that. And it was unfair to put me in a position where I had to make the “should I or shouldn’t I” choice when I was turned on and my judgment was all compromised. I would never do that to him. Never. Hell, I didn’t do that to him; the first time I saw him after our “bareback” discussion, I didn’t rub my crotch up on his and try to tempt him into going further. I didn’t even make reference to our conversation. I just used condoms with him as I always do, and let him process his feelings about bareback himself without any prompts or pressure.
So I should be pissed right now, but I can’t really deal with that, so I’m not. The truth is that I wanted to fuck The Pedant without a condom, but felt that I shouldn’t; in effect, his sketchy behaviour gave me what I wanted without me having to take responsibility. And the sex was so mind-blowingly intimate that I’m still kind of processing everything and there’s just no room right now for me to be processing the sketchiness, too.
*And I didn’t, either. But today I’m feeling frisky and dominant as all fuck – a combo of The Pedant awaking something in me and it being the horndog week of my cycle, I think – and I’m increasingly wondering whether I’ll end up stuffing and mounting the hapless Baby Duck tomorrow.