FetLife Follies

I have really high hopes for Willow as a kinky FWB, but until he proves himself not to be flaky, I don’t want to invest too much energy in him; and even if he does come through for me and visits regularly and is awesome, I still have room in my life for more partners.  So, I reposted my FetLife personal ad.

My ad essentially says that I’m poly and would like new subs to play with, mostly in the bedroom (roughhousing, orgasm control, etc.) and that I strongly prefer guys younger than me with visible abdominal muscles.  And I deliberately added that applicants need to understand that they’re there to cater to my fantasies, not the other way around.

Here’s one of the first replies I got this time around:

although i dont meet the young,fit ,hourglass figure you seek, i do offer things that might be of interest >if you enjoy food ,i cook mostly italian food, also great pork roast ,spare ribs,homemade spaggetti sauce,( FOOD IS A PASSION ,GREAT CHEFS have this passion )I love feet ,your feet will get more attention than you could imagine, ( massages,pedicures,licking,sucking,rubbing ,ext…..)Also house cleaning & organization ( i wash floors ,on my hands & knees) my italian background ,insists on a clean home.My construstion & renovation expierance is un -matched.In south FLORIDA ,most of my cleints were gay couples,that appreciated ,organized,clean ,perfect ,work tactics.Sorry .i cant bring back my youth but my knowledge ,comes with age.Your evening ,i will be at the door to removes your shoes ( after your hard day at work )I will escort you to the sofa , where i ll have a chilled glass of red wine ready for you ( HOMEMADE my own )From there i will procede to massage to tired feet til dinner is ready.Dinner is waiting ,for you.Upon your command .i will serve you dinner & then place myself ,under the table ( to continue massaging your feet WHILE YOU EAT )When finished dinner ,you leave the table,i will wash,clean,dry & put away plates,glasses ,ext….(THE whole during these events ,i will not have spoken any words other than, yes goddess .or no goddess.) When completed my choirs ,i will cuddle up ,on the floor ,at your feet ( where i belong ) to wait on any or further instructions


Now, as it happens, I don’t like red wine and I don’t eat red meat or spaghetti.  I don’t like being called “goddess” and I don’t believe a sub belongs at my feet.  And my ad said nothing about a sub cooking for me or cleaning my house or giving me foot rubs.  The only time this guy acknowledged my stated preferences was when he referenced my preferred demographic – to tell me he’s not in it.  The whole rest of his reply was him telling me what he was going to do to/for me, without asking me if I even like any of those things.  In what way is that submissive?!?

But.  I do love getting foot massages.  I do like the idea of someone cooking and cleaning for me – and he has actual, professional experience in fixing things around the house, which is pretty awesome.  He’s only in his 40s, which is still within the realm of possibility for me, and I can be flexible on the “visible abs” thing (The Pedant doesn’t have a washboard stomach and I’d still batter him to death using only my pelvis…).

So I took a peek at the guy’s profile to see if there was any chance of physical attraction there…and instead of any photos of himself, his profile had nine hundred and seventy-six pictures of women’s feet.  Instant dealbreaker: this guy clearly doesn’t give a shit about anyone’s wants but his own.

Now, I recognize that FetLife is not a dating site; if someone wants to use their profile as a gallery of their favourite porn, that’s their prerogative*.  But I see tons of guys on FetLIfe who are actively trying to hook up with someone and they’re still doing the porn gallery thing, and that’s just such a huge fuckin’ red flag for monolithic selfishness, stupidity, and entitlement.  It doesn’t even occur to these guys to display a picture of themselves so prospective partners can gauge whether there might be an attraction there.  I don’t think these guys fully understand that women even have preferences in a partner.  Instead it’s “Hey, ladies, I’m gonna painstakingly educate you on exactly what I like because it’s very important that you know how to please me.  Here are some representative photos for you to pore over: you should look like this and you should want to do this and you should wear this.  Or this.  This would also be acceptable, although I’d prefer one of the other outfits.  Okay, so when you’re ready to show up and fulfill my every fantasy, drop me a line!”

Sometimes a guy will have some pics of himself and some pics of porn.  This is better than just porn, obviously, but still pisses me off.  Just…fuckin’ think  about your target audience, guys.  You’re looking to meet straight women.  Straight women are attracted to men.   If you’re gonna put pictures on your profile that aren’t related to you in any way**, maybe try putting up stuff that turns us on instead of stuff that turns you on?  Turning your profile into the Great Wall of ‘Gina is not a good strategy to put us in the mood.

The sad thing is, I bet lots of these guys would be perfectly happy to fuck a woman who’s normal-cute and shares their kinks, but their porn galleries give the impression they’ll only consider skinny big-titted plastic-looking chicks – and this will scare off lots of perfectly good prospects (if they weren’t scared off already by the stench of entitlement).  If a guy actually won’t settle for anything less than the porn star look, more power to him, and I guess posting a bunch of porn pics is an efficient way of saying “this – and only this – is what I like.”  But it’s still important to remember that chicks have preferences too.  Which means a) put a damn picture of yourself up so women can judge your bang-worthiness, too – it’s not a one-way street; and b) be prepared for the fact that the women you’re attracted to may not be attracted back.

will confess that I don’t get nearly so cranky about sexy photos that I actually enjoy – pics that depict realistic situations from a non-male-gazey perspective.  If a submissive dude posted pics like this on his profile, for instance, I’d feel like he probably had a good, grounded, realistic view of what D/s is (oh, yeah, that’s another thing I forgot to mention – porn isn’t exactly realistic, so when someone fills his profile with it I automatically assume he’s inexperienced and has ridiculous expectations).  Or, maybe a dude posting awesome erotic photos is doing it specifically to appeal to his target audience – which tells me he’s at least trying to put my needs ahead of his own, which is nice.

But I’d still prefer it if people left the porn off entirely.

In other news, I got a reply from a guy who seemed mildly interesting but who had a girlfriend listed on his profile – and no mention of polyamory (or monogamy).  I asked him what his agreement with this woman is (meaning: are they in fact in an open relationship?  Or what?) and he replied,

She is my girlfriend but taking into account that you are not looking for a monogamous relationship there is no problem.

Oh, there isn’t?  Cool, thanks for deciding that for me.

And then he added,

Also, I wouldn’t like to generate any unnecessary noise to her unless this relationship grows.  Is that fair enough?

I wrote back saying I’m not okay with being kept a secret, and he thanked me for my time and promptly blocked me.  I am super annoyed that this jackass assumed I’d be okay with helping him cheat.  Being poly means I don’t want to own someone or feel like they own me; it does not mean that I’m okay with possibly causing emotional pain to some random stranger.  And even if I had no ethical quandaries about that, it would still be a total drag to have to sneak around all the time; why would I want to do that when I could date people who don’t expect lies and subterfuge?  It’s so much less effort.

Aside from those two guys, I have two replies from dudes who wrote good messages but whose pictures don’t particularly excite me (but they’re not ugly, either, so I shall forge ahead) and a handful of replies from guys who didn’t offend me or anything, but don’t actively interest me, either (and who don’t appear to have read my entire ad so I question whether they even know what they’d be getting into with me).

Still really hoping Willow pans out, though.  He seems like the best prospect so far.


*Hell, it’s their prerogative to do that even on a dating site, provided it doesn’t violate the particular site’s terms of use.  But it probably won’t help them meet chicks.

**I don’t mind pics of your pet(s) or some food you made or some nature photography you took while out hiking or anything like that; these things at least tell me more about you than what gets your dick hard.


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5 responses to “FetLife Follies

  1. It seems like we are in complete agreement on these ideas. Thanks for such a thorough and articulate post.

    It seems to me that men (and women!) should have to go through a type of online dating boot camp before they’re even allowed to create a profile. Sometimes I fantasize about being a drill sergeant at a place like this. “What’s with the all-caps description, dirtbag? The only time to use uppercase is WHEN I”M YELLING AT YOU, YOU SORRY SACK OF PORN-FUELLED SCUM!”

    • Annnnd now I’m having “dating boot camp” drill sergeant fantasies. It’s not me yelling at the guys, though – I’m watching someone else do it. Less effort that way. 😀

  2. Andy

    That is…wow. Just [space] [comma] wow.

    I think my favorite part is how he consistently lower-cases his i pronoun for ~humility~ EXCEPT after parentheses.

    No, actually, I think my favorite part is how he subtly denigrates you with that “i can’t bring back my youth” thing for daring to have preferences.

    No, actually, I think my favorite part is the throw-in mention of those gay couples, ’cause you know how artsy and houseproud all those homos are.

    No, actually…

    No, I can’t decide.

  3. gingernic

    Gut reaction #1: Oh crap, I don’t have identifiable photos for non-friends on FetLife; is that a faux-pas?

    Gut reaction #2: I’m impressed by Chef Narcissist actually, because in spite of writing a long and painful litany of undesirable things, he makes it clear that he did in fact read your ad, think about it a moment, and decide, “Nah, I know what this woman is really looking for.” That takes some chutzpah.

    Granted, a huge number of men literally do not understand that women have sexual desires of our own, and if one believes that women are at best “meh” about sex, offering a dinner/cleaning service in exchange for sexual favors is not illogical. The premise is easily disproved by talking to any actual women ever though, so no. Not cool.

    Cheaterman? even less cool. One wonders, were men who behave like this raised by Tasmanian devils? How do they get the idea that their behavior is acceptable?

    • I, too, wonder whether Chef Narcissist is really into the houseboy stuff or just trading domestic duties for access to my feet. Which is funny to me because my feet are actually such an erogenous zone for me that I don’t want them massaged while I’m eating, lest one of my sex-gasps sucks a glob of food down my windpipe and I choke and die (this is, for real, a concern of mine – it’s almost happened before).

      But of course it wouldn’t occur to him that I’d enjoy foot stuff beyond “Oh, this feels relaxing and mildly pleasant. *Yawn*.”

      Incidentally, I don’t have any identifiable pics on FetLife, not even “friends only.” I do have a blurry photo that gives a general idea of my appearance/body type, though, and anyone interesting who hits on me gets a clear recent face pic sent to them pretty promptly. Because, y’know, I understand that looks are a factor in attraction.

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