One last blow (heh) (part 4).

When The Pedant and I woke up from our evening nap, it was time for more food and the watching of DVDs.  We still had some Sherlock on my laptop to watch, but it felt like we’d been holed up in the bedroom for an eternity and I wanted a change of pace.  Also, Sherlock is a fairly complex show and my brain power wasn’t at its greatest; I wanted something light to break things up.

So, off to the living room, where I encouraged The Pedant to pick out whatever movie he wanted from my “comedy” shelf while I fixed us some chicken-n-salad.  He chose Mallrats.  When Mallrats was done, I felt kind of at loose ends…The Pedant’s visit was definitely taking on that “two people stuck in an airport together on a layover” vibe.  But I didn’t want to kick him out because he’d nonchalantly asked me earlier what my plans were for the rest of the week, and I was pretty sure he did that because he was going to ask to stay another night.  I wanted the ego boost of him asking to stay; also, the next day happened to be my birthday and although I didn’t care enough about it to make a huge fuss, something about being alone on the actual day when I maybe didn’t have to be kinda made me sad.  And there are worse things than watching  movies and spooning.

So I introduced The Pedant to Dr. Horrible – which he’d never seen – and then he wanted to watch Brüno.  After that, it was something like 1am and The Pedant did indeed ask to stay over a second night.  Which could entirely have been a convenience thing since he lives far away and the night bus is full of drunken idiots, but I lit up at being asked, anyway.  Also: boytime on my birthday!  W00t!

We went to bed and, curiously, he didn’t snuggle up to me like he usually does.  I think he may even have gotten into bed and immediately turned his back to me.  He didn’t seem to mind when I spooned him, and when we eventually shifted position he didn’t avoid bodily contact with me or anything, but yeah…no two-armed bear hugs that night.  And I know I said I’d try not to overthink everything he does but that did bug me and I do wrack my brain wondering why the change.  By the way, I always assumed I sleep badly with him here because his snuggling is kind of intrusive, but nope, without snuggles it’s at least as bad.  Without snuggles, he’s not moulding himself to my body – he’s just a large person taking up incredible amounts of space.  That bubble butt of his is not so delightful when we’re sleeping back-to-back and he’s shoving it out onto my side of the bed.  For the first time in a while, I wished I had a queen size (I would have bought one but the room is too small).

When we woke up in the morning (afternoon?), The Pedant made it clear that he wouldn’t be hanging around all day or anything, but asked me if I wanted to watch some more Sherlock before we started our respective days.  I did.  And then after watching one episode we lay around for a while just talking and stuff.  Eventually I started petting him and went to kiss him.  “I don’t think I’m up for anything right now,” he warned me.  “I’m not either,” I assured him (and I wasn’t just saying it to agree with him – I was underslept and my thigh muscles were still killing me!).  “Against all odds, you’ve actually managed to exhaust my sex drive.  But you’re warm and pretty, so…” and I kinda rolled on top of him and kissed him a little bit.  He smiled at me and kissed me back, but between the lack of nighttime snuggles and the warning that he wasn’t up for sex, I was pretty paranoid that he’d reached some kind of limit on physical contact with me and was maybe feeling smothered.  I didn’t canoodle with him for very long, just in case.

Shortly after that, we got dressed and left – I had to go grocery shopping and The Pedant’s transit stop was on my way, so we walked together for a bit.  As we walked, I complained that my thighs were still killing me; he smirked and said “you’re welcome.”  I rolled my eyes and told him “One of these days I oughta slap the smug right off your face.”  At which time The Pedant a) surmised that his smugness goes skull-deep and b) started riffing about how – if I slapped all the flesh off him – he could probably get his skull cast in a production of Hamlet as a particularly smug-looking Yorick.  And staged an imaginary discussion between imaginary casting directors – in a bad Cockney accent – re: whether it’s still called “casting” if it’s an inanimate object like a skull.  That may have been the most adorable I’ve ever seen him, OMG.

And then we reached his stop and we kissed goodbye and that was that.

I’m still kind of obsessing on the lack of snuggles that last night.  It could’ve been anything, I guess; maybe he really was just crashing here for convenience, or maybe (contrary to his usual line of gender essentialist bullshit) sex makes him feel exceptionally mushy, and for once we went to sleep without doing sexual stuff immediately before, or maybe somehow it was a coincidence.  But another thought that’s plaguing me is that during our dating/poly conversation the previous day, I mentioned in passing that I don’t want some huge, deep relationship right now – just ongoing, friendly sex.  And I feel like maaaaybe The Pedant winced almost imperceptibly when I said that (although I might be imagining it) and now I’m wondering whether all his snuggling and face-caressing and sweet gestures were because he does kind of want to be dating (not just fucking) me, and I’ve dashed his dreams and now he’s distancing himself from me.  Probably not, since as I’ve said before his ideal pace is to see me every two to three weeks and I don’t hear from him a whole lot in the meantime, but yeah.

In my post-Minx, post-breakup state I’m simultaneously craving closeness with (a) boy(s) and dreading emotional intimacy – I knew that.  But I’ve just realized that this is manifesting itself in me wanting The Pedant to be super enamoured with me even though I don’t entirely feel that way about him.  It would feel so nice and validating and safe to have a boy who adored me and was fun to spend time with but I was in no danger of falling in love.  And my interest in a one-sided relationship, in turn, makes me pine and obsess over The Pedant and wonder where his head is at.  And the pining kind of negates the calm sense of distance I was hoping to feel.  Bah.

Although, we can’t overlook the fact that I rarely like/trust/want someone enough to have sex with them (and yet I have a huge sex drive…) so it’s clearly in my best interests to keep tabs on The Pedant’s headspace and make sure he’s not gonna bolt.

But of course, since my anxiety will look for any damn thing in the world to feed on, I find myself simultaneously worried about opposite things: a) I worry that The Pedant is into me and my reticence will scare him off, and b) I worry that he’s not that into me and if I act too affectionate or text him too often he’ll feel smothered and bolt.  So no matter what I do when it comes to The Pedant, it’s always the wrong thing and I berate myself for it.  Fun,  huh?

I really, really wanna find some fresh meat so I’m not putting all my sex-eggs in one basket (sex eggs are too a thing!).  I was supposed to meet up with the 19 year old FetLife boy today but he cancelled – my neighbourhood is on his way home from work, so he was going to stop by after his shift, but then work got cancelled so he bailed on me.  It doesn’t bode well that he’s only willing to meet me when it’s super-convenient.  Also, he’s already flaked on me twice before.  I responded to his cancellation text with “thank you for letting me know.”  No suggestion of a new time, and no smiley face to soften my words.  I think I’m done with him unless he rallies and initiates a new meeting time/day – and sticks with it.

Tomorrow I might be meeting the 27 year old poly guy I’ve mentioned before.  He lives in a different city but will be in town to go to some sex club…I asked if he could spare an hour or two for coffee or food sometime during his visit and he was like “Yeah, definitely,” and we exchanged numbers.  But the fact that I haven’t heard from him since then tells me, at the very least, that he’s probably a lot more spontaneous with plans than I am.  I may text him today to hammer out an actual place and time, just to gauge his response.

The Hedonist and I text every now and then, and he always says we should tooootally get together sometime but won’t commit to a day.

Anyone who says women have an easy time getting laid should be hit in the face with a shovel.

 

3 Comments

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3 responses to “One last blow (heh) (part 4).

  1. Anyone who says women have an easy time getting laid should be hit in the face with a shovel.

    Hee! I love the way you put that. And yes, yes they should.

  2. Pingback: Amazing Pedant is amazing – part I | hiding in plain sight

  3. Pingback: The Pedant: a cross-section from two angles. | hiding in plain sight

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