Lately, I am increasingly drawn to the idea of sex as an act of friendship.
Like…I have this idea in my head (“fantasy” is not the right word) of asking The Latent Heterosexual for a hand job (his hands are crazy powerful; if anyone could get me off without using the Hitachi, it’s him). I do not find TLH unattractive, but I’m not attracted to him, either; I would be asking for the orgasm(s) as a friend needing a favour. My libido and orgasm response are all wonky lately and I don’t know whether it’s physical or psychological; perhaps I have a hard time letting go because I don’t have a partner I trust to stick around in the long term. Stability is a huge thing for me these days.
So in my imaginings, I ask TLH if he would try to get me off manually, just to see if such a thing is even still possible for me. And he’d be like “Awww, no problem. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been having issues in that regard.” And he’d cuddle up beside me and get me off. No kissing; kissing is for people who are attracted to each other and stuff. Just friendliness and warmth and the willingness to help a buddy out. And afterwards I’d give his shoulder an affectionate squeeze and say “thank you,” and he’d pet my back and say “you’re welcome” and maybe I’d ask if there was anything he needed from me in return. I would have sex with TLH if he wanted; it’s been a while for him, I think, and he’s a really awesome friend – I want him to have closeness and pleasure. I don’t want him to be lonely.
The reason I haven’t (and probably won’t ever) asked TLH for sexual favours is that we’ve already gone back and forth several times over what we are to each other and we finally landed on “just friends, sometimes with cuddles” and renegotiating again just sounds exhausting. What we have now works. I won’t mess with it.
But in related news, my friend The Social Worker has been maybe-kinda-sorta hitting on me lately. I think he’s attractive, in an adorable I-just-wanna-pinch-your-cheeks way, but I’m not attracted to him, per se – perhaps because he’s gay so my brain automatically tells me he’s off-limits.
He may not be that gay, though. The other day, when I told him that I was auditioning thirds for a threesome with me and Link, he was like “I’d do it!” – when I specified that the intention here was for me to be the star of the show (i.e. he won’t really be doing stuff with Link at all, just me), and I doubted he’d be into that, he kind of never answered me. Not, I don’t think, in the sense of “I don’t want to embarrass her by saying ‘interact sexually with you?!? Oh hell no!’ so I guess I’ll just be quiet” – I think this was possibly him avoiding addressing what I’d said because he is down to do stuff to me but doesn’t want to push that point and make me uncomfortable.
I did not think he was hitting on me at the time, though. I only formulated that idea last night, as kind of a retcon, after I was bitching about having nobody to dom and he said “Well, there’s me! I’m submissive and I’d take your strap-on…” annnnd when I was like “Really?” he kind of non-answered and changed the subject.
On one hand, the idea of being sexual with him feels…weird. On the other hand, I’ve ignored that “do-not-touch” instinct a million times in my misguided youth and I know from experience that it’s possible to get past the “wrong” feeling and have pretty decent sex. And I think that if we attempted to be some kind of fuck buddies and things went sideways, we could bounce back from it. We know each other pretty well and are good communicators. And like I said, I like the idea of getting into a sex thing with someone stable whom I already care about, in a very deliberate “we’re friends and we want each other to be happy so let’s try to give each other some of the intimacy we’ve been missing out on in other areas of our lives” kind of way.
Still…I really think I’d better not go there. Snuggles, maybe. But nakedtimes, maaaybe not.