…And this is why I only do this once a year. Tops.

Today’s my birthday dinner.  The Pedant lives in the suburbs and will have to travel through my neighbourhood to get there, so I told him I’d be catching public transit at 5:30 and if he’s at the stop when I am we could head over together.  He claims he can be there on time, no problem.  I added that if I don’t see him there, I’m not waiting around; he says that’s fair.

I hope he’s there.  Not just because it would make me feel valued* but because coordinating a group outing is kind of anxiety-making for me and I’d feel better if at least one of my people was with me and didn’t have to be tracked down.

My guests tonight have all met each other before (except The Pedant, who only knows one of them) and gotten along pleasantly enough, but they’re not friends with each other.  I’m the only common element.  Which makes me feel like I should be the facilitator of conversation and if I can’t keep things moving along smoothly, everyone will hate me.  Does anyone else get paranoid like that?


*He’s been pretty good at overcoming his chronic lateness since I told him how much I hate it – which is kind of amazing since it really does seem to be a huge and ingrained problem for him.  He was late for his own birthday ‘do last year.  According to his blog, when he had a job he would habitually arrive hours late for work.  When I wonder how much this boy likes me, I usually remind myself that the second I confronted him on his lateness (and, later, on the frustratingly vague way he makes plans with me), he immediately apologized and made noticeable improvements.  I must mean something to him.


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2 responses to “…And this is why I only do this once a year. Tops.

  1. I get paranoid like that. I get paranoid like that even in non-group situations – I basically never initiate plans with people, because in my brain, if I’m the initiator, I’m responsible for things going well, so if we can’t think of anything to talk about or something, it’ll be all my fault.

    • I get paranoid about one-on-one hangouts if it’s a relatively new person to me (what if we run out of things to talk about?) or if I’ve proposed a particular restaurant or movie that might turn out to suck. But for informal hangouts with friends I’m generally fine, thank goodness.

      I do have a lot of problems initiating hangouts with people, especially when I’m depressed. I’ve come up with a lot of theories about this over the years but I think I’ve figured it out now. I’ve noticed that I am fine with initiating get-togethers if there will be sex. And I’ve figured out that it’s not that my sex drive is motivating me to push past my feelings of depression and anxiety – it’s that when I’m depressed/anxious I feel like sex is the only good thing I have to offer. Nobody’s gonna wanna sit around watching me be a boring whiny pain in the ass, but surely a person would want to come over and have orgasms, right?

      Mostly, believe it or not, I feel like my self-esteem is pretty good. People tell me I generally come off as confident and secure. But sometimes…

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