I know what I want. Do they?

Replies to my ad continue to trickle in – mostly from “switches” with no info on their profiles except a list of fetishes that are all about the mean things they like to do to women.  And their messages to me are usually just like, “You sound interesting.  Contact me if you’re interested back.”  Why would I be interested in someone who a) is forcing me to make all the effort to get to know him and b) has a fetish list that essentially says he wants to tie up a woman in lingerie and heels and then violently fuck her throat and/or ass?

I feel pretty naive right now but I honestly had no idea so many guys would pretend to be into submission* just to get laid.  Maybe the issue is partly that my kinks are comparatively tame: no CBT, no needleplay, no scat, just (more or less) rough sex that’s only rough in one direction.  

Perhaps I should’ve mentioned crossdressing in my ad to deter the posers.  I didn’t because I feel like I might be moving away from that a little bit lately, or at least needing a palate cleanser after Minx.  Crossdressers are so narcissistic and high-maintenance.  At the moment I’m liking the idea of finding a non-crossdresser who’ll cheerfully wear pretty things for me just ’cause I like it.  Or, maybe I’ll just do without femme boys for a while.  The Pedant is masculinity incarnate and he drives me into a fuckin’ frenzy all by his naked, furry self…maybe my tastes are evolving.

Oh, but also – I already knew this, but forgot – a lot of guys truly think they want to be submissive when really it’s just that their previous partners have been kind of sexually passive and they want a woman who takes a more active role – a woman who gets on top sometimes, initiates sometimes, makes them feel wanted.  A lot of guys are insecure and wonder whether women really enjoy sex at all, and in fairness my particular…predilections leave no doubt.  But in my experience I’m a little too hardcore for these folks – either I make them uncomfortable or they just don’t give me the kind of D/s feedback loop that I crave.  I need an actual submissive.


*Hell, maybe they’re pretending to be dominant in order to get laid, too, and neither side of the “switch” designation is true for them.  


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9 responses to “I know what I want. Do they?

  1. Just A Slut

    There are A LOT of “poser” dominants out there. Most of them are sexual narcisists. The want their dick sucked or whatever orgasm they prefer and feel the submissives orgasm need not be a concern. Or they feel a submissive is a live in maid and chef and private sexual toy and they need not concern themselves on his or her particular kinks because they are the dominant and EVERYTHING is ALWAYS their way.

    (I’m not referring to D/s couples who do this because they like it. I’m referring to dominants who are self centered and do not consider their submissive at all, but their own personal sexual gratification)

    Then there are the very hardcore dominants who feel you are not sub enough because you do not play into their particular fetish.

    (“you don’t do scat so you are NOT submissive enough if you won’t do it or try it”)

    And then you have the dominant who wants a “discreet partner” but they neglect to mention they need discretion because their wife and children have no idea that daddy spends his money on other women.

    Or the most dangerous type of dominant. The bully dominant who has absolutely no concern of your limits. Because they feel they will push past them regardless and when they hear dominant what they really hear is an excuse to be abusive in the name of kink.

    Being a submissive trust me. There are a lot of little things you go through in a profile as well. Usually if you chat to them a lot you figure out what is what.

    But a lot of times even with the safe dominants you must be “this” sub to be compatable at all.

    Good luck on your search and sorry for the rant.

    -Just A Slut-

    • I definitely got the sense that a lot of male dominants out there are posers in the ways that you’ve stated! Hell, maybe they’re replying to me as a bait-and-swtich…maybe they’re hoping to get into my bedroom and then turn the tables on me. EW.

      Are there female dominants like that, too? Or are the problems on the female side mostly with chicks demanding tribute? Am I gonna look good and stand out from the crowd (provided the “crowd” has any experience or any idea what to look for)?

  2. Just A Slut

    I prefer female dominants because they are more upfron and less manipulative in my experience. The most I look for are the women who are too bitchy and always seem angry (they come off like they are acting. And “on your knees bitch” isn’t a greeting. Also any women who want money is an issue for me. I don’t pay to play.

    After I get to know a person I don’t mind treating. But it shouldn’t be expected.

    Also if a woman is only intrested in ypur kinks. That’s an issue. I’m a person first.

    You actually come off like someone I would be intrested in getting to know (you seem straight but I’m bi. So no disrespect intended)

    I would be comfortable getting to know you. But I don’t get off on people who are too sadistic right away. My masochism is something I work up to with everyone. I don’t do it right from the door.

    You seem great to me!


    • Heh. No disrespect taken. The fact that you’d consider me a possible prospect (in an alternate reality where I was way more into chicks) is very flattering! Especially because you seem like you’ve been in the scene for a while and you know what’s what. 🙂

  3. Just A Slut

    I’ve been around the block a time or two. My first really fulfilling relationship was with a dominant partner. Back before kinky people were all over the internet lol.

    I know what I like and you are really nice. So thank you very much for your flattery.

    -Just A Slut

  4. I’m a (female) switch and I must say I’ve know a lot of men who have publicly presented as dominant and then admitted they secretly have submissive desires. Coming out about this side of their personality seems to be more of a struggle for a lot of men, so it may not be the case that you’re simply getting doms approaching you not interested in what you want, they might just be a little too coy to say that outright. Obvs if you don’t want to handhold, they probably aren’t going to be right for you either though!

    Also, I have to stick up for the crossdressers here and say they’re not all narcissistic and high maintenance!


    • Okay, not all of them. Minx was not too bad in that way. The key, I think, is to look for someone who identifies as genderfluid rather than as a crossdressing fetishist or a sissy.

      Still…I think I need a break from it.

      Good point re: dudes being embarrassed about their submission. I had not considered that.

  5. Being out there in the kinky dating world can be a slog, I must admit. Keep your chin up and keep writing in your refreshing, honest way. I look forward to reading more.

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