Hunting is tiring.

God help me but I put an ad up on FetLife seeking subs.

I actually don’t even want to be cruising right now…if I could snap my fingers and just have another playmate or two, I’d do it, but the audition process is exhausting and exasperating.

So why am I doing it?  Because my friend Link is visiting in June and he’s willing to have an MFM threesome with me…but I don’t have a suitable second M.  The Pedant won’t do it (and Link wouldn’t want him to, anyway; he only likes skinny hairless boys like himself).  The Doll probably would, but my attraction to him is lukewarm at best and I don’t want to actually have sex with him; at most I’d be using him as an extra pair of hands.  That would be unfair to him since I think he still wants to actually date me.  The Renaissance man definitely would be my third, but I’m not sure I’m attracted to him anymore, either; also he’s put on a bit of weight and as such is outside of Link’s stringent standards.

It’s only been a couple of hours since I posted, and already I’ve gotten maybe five responses.  Unsurprisingly, not one of these guys is looking for what I’m looking for.  One of them wants to be a hardcore 24/7 slave and the rest all identify as switches and have that “anything goes” vibe that I always find kind of sketchy – like they think “being kinky” is this mysterious super-cool thing and they want to try it so they can get their coolness badge and their secret decoder ring.

I have never had any luck with vaguely kinky guys who are looking to “experiment.”  They always seem to have some grandiose idea of what kink or D/s is, and when we start doing stuff it’s anticlimactic for them somehow*.  And maybe this is crazy but being vulnerable and turned on in front of someone who then goes “…Nah.  I’m not into this, after all” is not actually fun for me.  I want a dude who has specifically fantasized about being on the receiving end of the things I like to do.

And okay, to be honest I might overlook all of this if someone was hot enough…but so far all the respondents have been fairly meh.  And not one of them has washboard abs – which I explicitly stated that I want.

I don’t understand why subs message me when they’re looking for different things from me.  “Oooooh, a dominant woman is looking for play partners!  She wants a skinny dude who’s into being roughhoused in the bedroom but treated mostly as an equal outside of it, and I’m an overweight dude who [wants a shrieking harpy to dominate him 24/7][has a fetish list that mostly lists ways he wants to dominate a woman][has a fetish list that seems to revolve entirely around women who’ll wear lingerie and sit on his face], but ummmmmmm I’m sure it’ll work somehow!”

Are these guys thinking it’ll work out because they’re willing to settle, or because they plan to try to badger me into doing things their way?  I just don’t get it.

I once auditioned a houseboy who swore he was fine with my stated dominance style (firm but polite; no screaming, no violence) but then after he came over and cleaned he was like “Yeeeeah…sorry, I’m not feelin’ it.  I was hoping you’d drag me into the bathroom by the hair and scream at me to clean the toilet, and stuff like that…”  Cool story bro but I told you from the getgo exactly what I’m like and you insisted it would be fine.  Did you think my personality would inexplicably do a total 180 between then and now?

Anyway, now I’m trying to decide whether I should write back to the least offensive of these specimens.  None of them are devastatingly gorgeous to me, but a couple of them are cute-enough-that-if-we-click-I’ll-be-attracted and have a profile that’s not too wildly incompatible with what I said I want.  And – amazingly – everyone who wrote to me was polite and articulate, which is refreshing.

Maybe I should just cut and run unless a dude really seems like a good fit.  But I keep remembering how The Pedant was not initially my type and then ended up being amazing.  Except that’s not exactly true; The Pedant did have traits that caught my eye right up front (his pretty face; his sense of style; his sense of humour; his intelligence).  These guys…kind of don’t.  With the possible exception of the hardcore slave boy, who made quite a fetching case for himself by mentioning how much he’d love to cook for me.

Oh, by the way, The Doll saw the ad.  Awkward.  I’m willing to bet he’s secretly thinking “I’d be her third!  Why doesn’t she ask meeeeee!?!?” but he’s tactful enough not to say it out loud, thank god.  He says the ad portrays me accurately and he hopes I find someone great.  Such a nice boy.  I really wish I were more attracted to him because in a weird way, the graceful way he accepted our breakup makes me like him more than I did when we were seeing each other.

 

*They don’t usually articulate their disappointment, but I get the vibe they’re thinking “What, so this is it?!  You just fuck me while doing ouchy stuff and maybe telling me what to do?  I thought kink was supposed to be mysterious and amazing and unicorns would fly through the room pooping glitter!”

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