Well, he IS a mensch…

Speak of the devil – The Mensch has written back to me.  It seems he’s just found out that someone he’s had the hots for is newly single, and he wants to pursue her.  He said he knows I subscribe to the whole non-monogamy thing and he’s trying to get his head around the idea but, as it stands, he would feel disingenuous dating both of us at the same time.  He thanked me for our two fun dates and apologized for effectively leading me on (his words).

I have to admit, I’m hurt that he chose this other woman over me.  And sort of infuriated: I met The Mensch because he’d been having submissive urges for years – urges so strong he tried to make his vanilla girlfriends indulge them, which caused him all manner of relationship problems – and now he was single and so pent up that he put an ad on Craigslist looking to find a dominant partner.  How much do you wanna bet this “newly single” woman is another vanilla chick and he’s walking into the same stifling kink-free situation again?!?  Also, pursuing someone who’s “newly single” rarely works out well.  A person needs time between relationships to decompress.

In a way I feel like I brought this on myself.  I believe the universe brings us what we want or what we believe we deserve, and right now I’m not super optimistic about the feasibility of happy long-term relationships.  My cynicism caused me to doubt The Mensch; to think “he seems really awesome but there must be a catch.”  I think the universe either put that woman in his path in order to provide me with that “catch,” or else the universe sent me a boy who was hung up on someone else because I’m not ready for anything resembling a relationship yet.  Same thing happened a bunch of times in a row before I met Minx.  Once I isolated the problem and worked on restoring my faith in relationships, Minx crossed my path almost immediately.

But, there’s no reason for me to let on to The Mensch how bitter I feel or how badly this situation echoes for me.  Above all, I’m just really relieved he gave me closure and didn’t just do a disappearing act, and I want to reward him for, you know, being a mensch.  So I wrote to him wishing him luck with the new girl, thanking him for telling me what was up instead of just vanishing, and indicating that if he’s single again sometime down the road he’s welcome to look me up.

Sigh.

3 Comments

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3 responses to “Well, he IS a mensch…

  1. marika grofno

    I was planning to ask this for a while… do you mean all these stuff about the universe being the supreme human resources manager seriously? I mean, the part where people end up in situations they believe is probable for them I understand, because if you are, by example, overly pessimistic, then you have a huge blind spot for anything good, and you are unable to make good relationships if you aren’t optimistic enough to suppose about the other person that they’d be good for you. But the universe providing if you are ready? Does this mean that all unhappily singel people just deserve to be single? what about problems more serious than singledom, like unexpected cancer? I’d like to live in a world where Bad Things Didn’t Happen to Good People, but I don’t really see anything that would prove that I do live in one.

    also, a major circumstance in dating succes is geographical location and the size of your subculture, which influences the size4 of your dating pool, and these are partly possible to choose, but partly just a matter of luck or lack of it. If you were hunting for youthful feminist nerdy submissive skinny guys who are poly around here, you would have to renounce of most of your criteria before finding any, because the city is small and moving in a bigger one implies emigrating, which is complicated. So…

    so if you were tlaking aobut the universe in a secular, just-wondering way, then I was keeping asking you stuff. But if this is part of some belief system that is improtant for you, then I’m sorry for interfering, and I’ll shut up respectfully, because everyone has the right to have a religion without others putting stupid questions all the time (especially on their vey own blog).

  2. do you mean all these stuff about the universe being the supreme human resources manager seriously?

    I do.

    Does this mean that all unhappily singel people just deserve to be single?

    It means that all unhappily single people might very well be unhappily single because they expect to be.

    what about problems more serious than singledom, like unexpected cancer?

    I’m still working out how my belief system applies to other areas of life. So far I’ve only been scrutinizing how it works in romance. With something like illness, though, we can’t overlook the influence of things like genetics and lifestyle. I would bet that it’s possible to use “faith”/a good attitude/etc. to alter how far a cancer progresses, to a certain extent. But not to prevent it entirely.

    I started cultivating this “religion” of mine (and I do consider it akin to a religion) when a friend told me that the secret to meeting an eligible new partner is to make a list of all the things you want. She said that when she did that, she met her then-bf within days – and he matched everything on her list (oddly, within a week or two, another couple of friends gave me the same advice about making a list, totally unprompted!).

    My friend and her bf later broke up; turns out some of the traits on her list were things she wanted in theory but that didn’t work for her in practice. Also, while this guy had everything on her list, he also had other qualities that turned out to be awful.

    I think I was the one who interpreted this as the universe taking the list extremely literally, like a well-meaning but fundamentally stupid matchmaker. “Oh, I’m sorry, you didn’t put ‘does not gaslight me’ on your list so I didn’t know that would be a problem for you.”

    So anyway, my friend’s experience got me thinking about this stuff, and I looked back and realized that I have consistently met a person of a certain description shortly after thinking “Hey, I would like to meet someone who ___.” Like…I had a profile on Plenty of Fish for a while, and at one point I randomly thought to myself “y’know, I think I’m really attracted to guys with interesting/’alternative’ hairstyles. And who are really really skinny. And creative in some way.” I only thought these things. I did not change my profile to list these new preferences. And yet the next person I met through Plenty of Fish was a skinny musician with dreadlocks – and he was the one who approached me. It’s not like I was surfing around, looking at profiles with my new preferences in mind, and found him (although arguably the universe could still contrive to put his profile in front of me in that situation, and to put a different one in front of me had I asked for something else).

    Another example: shortly after I decided that I was poly-curious, my friend introduced me to a couple she’d just befriended who were in an open marriage. And the husband was a skinny, submissive, bisexual crossdresser who habitually wore goth/punk/alternative clothes but was attracted to me even though I’ll often just wear jeans and t-shirts (all traits I knew I wanted in a man).

    Things like this happened to me time and time again – as well as bad things happening because I brought them on myself somehow (like meeting emotionally unavailable guys when I thought I wanted a relationship but secretly wasn’t ready, or bringing home five different guys who couldn’t get it up when I thought I wanted sex but secretly wasn’t ready).

    So it seems like there’s definitely a pattern. But the thing is, all my evidence is anecdotal, and always will be, because the whole point of these beliefs is that the universe brings you what you really want or expect. Every time I date someone who in some ways didn’t seem like what I wanted or expected, I’d analyze my psyche a bit and realize that, no, in some way I did ask for that. An observer would probably believe that I’m just rationalizing; bending the facts to fit my beliefs. An observer would probably tell me “Well I tried asking for __ and I didn’t get it, so clearly you’re wrong!” to which I’d say “Then on some level, you either don’t really want __ or you don’t believe it’s possible to get it. If you had faith, then the universe would’ve come through.” And the observer would probably become really exasperated with me, which I can totally understand because I’m using the exact same kind of slippery logic that other kinds of religious people use. But I feel that this is indeed how the universe works. It just rings true for me.

    also, a major circumstance in dating succes is geographical location and the size of your subculture, which influences the size4 of your dating pool

    Arguably, if you ask for what you want hard enough, it’ll cause someone suitable to move to your city (on their end, they’d be moving because they were pursuing a particular job or wanted to get away from the big city or whatever…the universe would just line things up so the two of you would end up in the same place at the same time). Although I recognize that this sounds totally whackadoo and am not 100% committed to the idea. But, I mean, in some ways it’s no more crazy than believing that the recently separated guy I dated before Minx (the one whose wife left him two days before we met) called me to him because he wanted a tall, semi-goth, open-minded girl to help him get over his wife, and I simultaneously called him to me because I wanted a hot submissive artistic goth boy who would never break my heart by falling in love with me and then leaving. It’s a two-way street; these guys are all calling me to them, too. So why couldn’t relocation be a factor?

    everyone has the right to have a religion without others putting stupid questions all the time

    I think it’s good to ask people to examine their beliefs, whether they’re religious in nature or not. I’m not suggesting harassing people, of course; but if they’re talking about what they believe and you see a logical inconsistency, why not question it?

  3. Pingback: Voices from the past | hiding in plain sight

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