It’s been said that you shouldn’t look for a romantic relationship because you want another person to make you happy; you should look for one when you have so much happiness all on your own that you want someone to share it with. I believe this (and was more-or-less in that headspace when I found Minx). But I’ve gotten off-track somehow.
I’m in one of my frequent panic/paralysis things re: my financial situation. I haven’t painted anything new in literally four months or more. I’ve barely been paying attention to the stall at the market where I sell paintings and prints and things – I replenish it when stock gets low but I haven’t been adding new products or promoting myself at all. I’ve been ignoring my online store entirely (except to fill orders, obviously, but I don’t usually get orders because I haven’t been putting any effort into the store). I haven’t been trying to expand my market by getting my paintings into cafes or getting my greeting cards into stores.
My modelling work – which always goes in cycles – has dried up. From April onward, I’ve got about three gigs lined up. That’s it. I know I need to start calling around and drumming up more work, but fuck, I hate that part. I hate using the phone. I hate when two people happen to want me for the same day and I have to decide who to pick. I perpetually feel like every scheduling choice I make will somehow turn out to be wrong. Also, I think a lot of the local art schools are about to close for summer vacation anyway so there just might not be anything for me.
So I’m kind of flailing around in a panic and not actually doing much of anything. And I know I”m using boys to distract me and give me an excuse to keep doing nothing (“Oh, The Pedant has asked to see me tomorrow. I was going to spend the day painting, buuuuuut I guess that can wait.” And then after The Pedant is gone I’m on FetLife hitting on some dude, trying to set something up…).
I mean…I also genuinely have kink and sexual needs that I really want fulfilled. That’a valid reason to be seeking company. But it’s also definitely a distraction thing.
I’m not totally a lost cause; I’ve been modelling a reasonable amount this month, and I love the work, so when I’m on dates or seeing friends I’m generally animated and excited about my life and have anecdotes to share*. It’s not like I’m a total needy timesuck with people.
Still…as much as I’d like to have romance in my life, I have to say that I’m not much of a catch right now. My finances are up in the air. My apartment’s a mess. I’m having big-time anxiety issues. My art career is stalled. I’m not currently the kind of person who would attract someone awesome.
I’m…going to try to hold off on finding new boys for now, and focus on getting my emotional and financial shit together and on having adventures with my friends. Which will have the added benefit of filling the time between Pedant visits so I’m maybe not mooning over him so much.
Hopefully The Mensch is still in the picture** and I can quietly optimize my life between our dates until I’m the kind of person who could definitely hold his attention. He seems pretty amazing, and I think he’s attracted by my confident vibe/love for my work/down-to-earth approach to D/s. But I can’t help thinking that – as things currently stand – if he peels back some layers he’ll become disillusioned with me and run away.
So yeah. Time to make some changes.
*Minx wanted to catch up with me over sushi a few weeks ago and I felt so “meh” about it that I lied and said I was busy. I think I felt “meh” because his life is…really kinda sad. He works at a job he’s indifferent about and then goes home and goes on the internet, and…that’s about it. Plus I might still feel attracted to him if I see him in person, and that can’t lead anywhere good. I just really can’t think of any reason why I’d want to hang out with him.
**After our second, most recent date, he emailed me (right when he got home, by the timing of it) to tell me he had a great time. For whatever reason he didn’t propose a next date; maybe he feels I should be the one to initiate. When I wrote him back, I didn’t propose a next date yet, either…I can’t remember why. I think my schedule for this week was still up in the air, or something.
I kind of expected that he would reply to my “I had a great time too” email with a request for date #3, but days have gone by with no word from him. I do not know whether he’s waiting for me to initiate or is getting cold feet or what. I emailed him again today proposing we hang on Wednesday or Thursday.
So far The Mensch has seemed really emotionally “together” and really upfront – a total open book. I don’t think he’ll disappear without at least saying something. But I’ve thought that before and been wrong, so I’m bracing myself.