A lot of the time when I’m kinda seeing a guy, he’s vague about his feelings and/or intentions. Or sometimes he’ll just vanish out of my life for no apparent reason.
And then there’s the guy from FetLife who wanted a FWB but couldn’t shut up about how important long hair is to him. This guy was too transparent about his feelings and intentions; he flat-out told me he might consider having sex with me but warned me that I’m not his usual type (and listed my shortcomings in painstaking detail). When I messaged him that he’d pissed me off and I was no longer interested in investigating a FWB thing, he responded that he hoped we could keep on talking, anyway, because he was enjoying our conversation. So he didn’t bail on me even when I practically asked him to.
And! Since I can see from his profile and journal posts that he’s pretty analytical and introspective, I chose to continue our conversation by picking apart his misguided urge to tell me all about how he didn’t find me that attractive. I explained to him why I felt it was inappropriate, asked him how he’d’ve felt if I’d done the same to him, etc.
Usually when someone acts like a jackass toward me I don’t even bother calling them on it because I know it won’t get any kind of result; I won’t get an apology or insight into why he did it or closure of any kind. With this guy I ripped into him (in a productive way) the way I’ve always dreamed of ripping into someone who acted badly. And he gave me a very thorough and considered reply. He wasn’t insulted by anything I’d said; rather, he was eager to navel-gaze. It was kind of fascinating.
In summation: this is a boy who a) wears his thoughts and feelings on the outside; b) would probably be physically incapable of vanishing on someone without sending them a huge explanatory message first; and c) is wiling to be called on his bullshit.
Annnnd I decided (secretly; I didn’t tell him) that I might still consider him for a FWB position. Given a choice between someone who’s not that into me but will be forthright in his feelings and see me regularly, vs. a guy who swoons at my hotness but is vague and weird and ends up disappearing on me after two get-togethers, I choose the former (and sometimes it really does feel like those are the only two choices…).
So, a few days ago I asked him to meet up with me in person (I still didn’t state that I was debating fucking him. As far as he knew, this was just platonic).
Unfortunately, in the meantime we got to texting a whole bunch and some things came up that made me realize definitively that this boy is kind of a clusterfuck and I don’t want to be embroiled in sexytimes with him.
The main red flags are that he doesn’t like kissing and he feels that certain activities (like cuddling) are “supposed” to lead to sex, and if they don’t he gets cranky. It kind of sounds like he gets ragingly horny at the drop of a hat, to be honest. On one hand he seems open to doing nonsexual but still kind of nonstandard stuff, like getting me to feminize him and take photos of him as a woman. On the other hand, from the things he was saying in his texts I’d practically be afraid to get within two feet him him lest I accidentally trigger his “MUST HAVE SEX” reflex.
Another thing about him is that his Asperger’s makes him really sensitive to patterns, and one way this manifests itself is that he really notices (and is bothered by) asymmetry in people’s faces. It sounds like every woman he ever meets starts looking weird to him sooner or later. I could probably work around this by specifically telling him to STFU about my appearance and pretend everything’s fine, but the other stuff – hoping to have sex without ever kissing on the mouth, feeling super frustrated by snuggling instead of enjoying it – I can’t deal with that at all.
So yeah. We hung out today. Hilariously, after all his minute analysis of my photograph and how there were certain things about my face that weren’t ideal, I ended up finding him considerably less attractive than he was in his FetLife photos. I don’t think he posted misleading photos; I think sometimes what catches a person’s eye about a photo will just be different than what catches their eye in person.
He’s still relatively cute – if it weren’t for all his red flags, he might almost still be in the running. But: he’s one of these people who doesn’t swallow his saliva often enough, so I could constantly see all this foamy spit sloshing around his mouth as he spoke (so I guess I wouldn’t wanna kiss him, either!). Each of his teeth was a slightly different colour. And – this bothered me more than any of the rest of it – he appeared not to have a jawline. That right-angled boneshelf most people have under their ears? He doesn’t have one at all. If anything there’s kind of an indent there.
I never thought of myself as someone who’s obsessed with a strong jawline on a guy, but thinking back on it, I totally am. It’s one of my favourite parts of The Pedant (who has a chinstrap/goatee combo that emphasizes that line and makes it look even more square) and I often admired the jaw area on Minx and The Doll, too.
Anyway. FetLife dude and I hung out and talked for a few hours. It was entertaining enough; we’re both people who don’t mind jumping right into really personal topics, and we’re both people who are pretty upfront about our non-neurotypical shit, so we compared and contrasted our mental problems and had lots of philosophical talks about sex, BDSM, dating, etc. I wouldn’t say we connected in any super-strong way – even as friends – but he seemed interested in what I had to say and it seems like he’s planning on sticking around, and I’ve come to believe that those qualities are actually more important in a friend than having stuff in common or even a similar outlook on the world.
So we’ll probably see each other again, if only because he’s persistent and I’m bored.
The combination of Pedant withdrawal and the near-miss with this guy (he’s almost FWB material, and almost has platonic chemistry with me, but not…quite…) has made me feel pretty super lonely, though. Oh, and also it’s the horndog week of my cycle. So basically I’m just really missing sexual and emotional intimacy right now and I don’t have anyone I can call who’ll give me what I need.