After food, I mentioned to The Pedant that I’ve finally set up my new tv, but couldn’t figure out how to hook up the DVD player. I’ve connected DVD players to tvs successfully many times in the past – usually it’s just a matter of putting colour-coded cords into matching holes. But this tv does not have the configuration of holes that I’m used to.
So, off we went to the living room so he could troubleshoot. He remained naked – he doesn’t want cat fur on his clothes and I guess he doesn’t get cold easily – and it felt really surreal watching him do this mundane nonsexual task without clothes on. I’m not sure why; Minx and I were naked around the house all the time. Maybe it’s that The Pedant and I were on a clothed, public-meetings-only basis for so long that Naked Pedant is still kind of shocking to me in general. Plus he used to be so tentative about being naked in front of me and now he’s totally poised and just goes about his business. Fascinating.
The Pedant eventually figured out what the problem was – and reassured me that the tv really is configured weirdly and my confusion was totally understandable, which was sweet. And now I can watch DVDs again!
Then he told me he had some episodes of Sherlock (which I’ve never seen) on a USB stick and asked if a) I wanted to watch the pilot with him and b) if this should happen before or after he reconfigured my router*. I opted to watch the pilot first, so we did that while he spooned and petted me. Decent show, btw.
Then The Pedant did the router thing, and I just kind of hovered around watching; there was nothing much else for me to do. Except sit behind him and kiss his neck at one point, which earned me an “Oh hi there. :D”
I didn’t want to distract The Pedant or look too clingy, though, so I didn’t smooch up on him for too long. I did sit by him and occasionally pet his back or shoulder, though. And then, when I knew he was just about finished his task, I reached over and started playing with his penis a bit. I wasn’t necessarily trying to start anything; I just love the silky texture of penis-skin, and I was bored. I kind of assumed The Pedant would shoo me off him since we’d just had sex a few hours before (and he seems to think the only reason I’d ever touch him there is because I wanna fuck). But no – against all odds, he didn’t shoo me. His penis immediately started filling out under my touch and he made some barely-perceptible little happy-sounds, but still managed to focus on what he was doing with the computer. Then he finished, closed the laptop, and murmured, “do you want to take me back to bed?”
“I believe I do,” I said. I hadn’t specifically been angling for that result, but what the hell.
He led the way to the bedroom and (curiously) stood and waited for me to catch up instead of lying on the bed as he usually would. Cool by me – I don’t want our sexing to have the same pattern every time. So we made out standing up for a while, which was a nice novelty as it allowed me to grope his ass with one hand and his erection with the other. At one point I stood behind him so I could kiss the back of his neck and then grab his jaw and swivel his head around for kisses (makes me feel all butch and shit…); eventually I went back in front of him again. He looked hypnotized; his eyes were closed and he was swaying slightly. It was pretty hot.
After a while he took a step back and sat on the edge of the bed. I stood in front of him with my feet planted on either side of his and told him to run his hands up the backs of my legs, which he did – slow light tracings from my ankles to my ass and back again several times, with special focus on the backs of my knees – and which made me moan and clutch at his shoulders when my knees threatened to buckle. And then somehow I was straddling him on the bed and when I asked “Do you want your wrists secured again?” he was so far from a verbal headspace that all he could do was nod and make a tiny high-pitched sound.
And so once again I found myself cowgirl-fucking a tied-down Pedant. I wanted this time to be mostly for him, so I didn’t take a wank-break even though I was turned on; I just fucked him, wanting to see him orgasm again. And fucked him and fucked him and fucked him some more, and began to suspect that it was a bit too soon for The Pedant to go a second time, after all. I wish he’d just tell me when he’s not going to come, but then again he may have thought I was fucking him for my own benefit and didn’t want to be a buzzkill. At any rate, when my thigh muscles got tired I stopped thrusting and bent to rest my head on his shoulder for a minute. “Need a break?” The Pedant asked quietly. I said that I did. He asked me to free his hands, and when I did he stroked my back and neck for a little while. Then he indicated that I should dismount, and my poor overtaxed legs felt so fossilized in place that I couldn’t even move them on my own; he actually pushed on each knee in turn until I was lying flat on top of him, then rolled me off him. Then he lay on his side, bent his knees, and draped my legs over his thighs. We cuddled like that for a long while – me on my back with my legs over his, him on his side with his arm around me and his face in my neck.
And that’s when I decided to say my little speech to him: “Y’know, when we first started seeing each other I never imagined I’d get so fond of you.”
“You’re just saying that because I make you almost black out,” he said, referring to the orgasms he gives me (I had told him recently that he’s almost made me black out from orgasms. And didn’t I tell you he’d try to deflect my compliment? Didn’t I?).
I petted his hair and said “No, it’s not just that. Well, it’s a little bit that. But also everything else. I like all of the sides. The entire Pedant!” and he smiled and gave a little chuckle – probably of embarrassment, since he seems uncomfortable with receiving compliments – and we just kept on snuggling.
I’d been so afraid of telling him my feelings, and yet when I did it passed by like nothing at all. In a way I think it felt anticlimactic. So I amped my sentiment up a bit by telling The Pedant something else I’ve been thinking a lot lately: “I wish I’d taken you home that first night I met you. Turns out it probably would’ve been super fun.” This, in a subtle way, was my apology for misreading his character for so long. When we first met (and for a long time after) I got kind of a douchey vibe from him that put me on my guard. Now I understand that he’s not like that at all; his autism makes him misread people sometimes and/or say shit that comes off badly, but he’s not a bad person. I get that now. I trust him.
The Pedant replied “I think we’ve made up for it” which sounds like forgiveness to me. 🙂
We snuggled and half-dozed for another while. Then we determined that food was in order, followed by more Sherlock…but first, I broke out the Hitachi and made myself come four times in a row because the sex had gotten me all hot and bothered (and why is it that whenever I’m trying to make someone come but it’s not working, they abandon the sexytimes entirely and never ask me if I at least want my turn? Just because you’re currently dysfunctional doesn’t mean I am, pal). The Pedant remained next to me for my orgasms but didn’t touch or kiss me (perhaps because he didn’t want to displace Bastardcat, who had wedged himself between us). I wish he’d at least offered to wield the vibrator, but actually I was so overstimulated by that point that it probably needed to me be doing the work. If I get revved up too much, it’s actually more difficult for me to come than it would be from a cold start; it’s like I get hotter and hotter and hotter and then my body is like “fuck this, it’s not fun anymore” and holds a grudge. At these times I need very precise stimulation to get over the edge.
After orgasms came dinner; then we watched the second episode of Sherlock in bed with me on my back – laptop across my pelvis – and The Pedant on his side, facing me. There were no pettings this time, but when I kinda flopped my forearm against The Pedant’s midsection he fairly quickly took hold of my hand and kept holding it for the duration of the show. I even kept my hand really loose and open at times in case he wanted to withdraw his, but no – if ever he needed his hand back for whatever reason, he’d slip his other hand in to replace it. So hand contact of one kind or another persisted for a good 45 minutes.
After the episode ended, The Pedant was like “It’s getting late. I should get going.” But he almost never actually goes when he says he’s gonna go, so I replied “Okay…..” in carefully neutral and open-ended tone designed to let him ask to stay longer if he wanted to. Since I’d made myself kind of vulnerable to him earlier with my FeelingsTalk I would’ve welcomed the reassurance of his continued company. And in fact he did go on to ask “are you working tomorrow?” and I tried to contain my eagerness when I told him “No…I’m getting together with a friend, but not til the evening.” But then he told me “There’s an event going on at [downtown bar] and I told a friend I’d try to drop in. If I leave now I’ll have time to make an appearance and then still catch the last bus home.” And he started getting dressed.
I get the definite feeling The Pedant was sussing out my availability and wanting to stay another night…but then thought better of it. When he said that he needed to make an appearance at the bar, his tone seemed faintly reluctant to me. All of which kind of makes me happy; I love that he (probably) wanted to stay longer, but worry that if I acquiesced to another night I’d come off as too available and/or too clingy. And I worry that if we spend too much time together we’ll run out of things to do or say and it’ll just feel like we’re passing the time. And yet I’m a sucker for his affection and don’t think I’d’ve said no if he’d asked to stay, so I’m glad he saved me from having to make that decision.
As he put on his coat, The Pedant thanked me for having him over. I thanked him for coming over, and he joked “Oh, you’re just happy because I fixed your DVD player.” (Seriously, what is it with this boy deflecting compliments?). I was like “Orrrrr, maybe I actually like you” and then worried that I might be pushing the “OH HAI I HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU thing a little too hard. Normally I’d be flirty and stroppy and just sarcastically go “Well yeah. What other appeal could you possibly have?” but it’s occurred to me recently that with The Pedant’s autism thing, he may not fully realize that I’m flirting/kidding. Still…broadcasting my mushy feelings for the second or third time that visit may have been belabouring the point. I think I redeemed myself, though: The Pedant replied to my I like you with “Yeah, but you like Bastardcat, too, so that’s not saying much.” I said “That’s true…my bar is set pretty low…anything furry that’ll curl up against me, really.” He was like “I’ve certainly got that covered.” I fervently said “You certainly do” because The Pedant really is both very furry and very cuddly.
I walked him down to the front door of my building so I could lock it behind him. He gave me some amazing warm lingering kisses and said “We’ll talk soon.” Then there was a whole awkward comedy of errors as we both went to undo the lock and turn the doorknob at the same time and then simultaneously flinched back so the other person could do it, blah blah blah. Finally we managed to get the damn door open. Then a tight, long, close hug. And then he left.
So…I think he got the message that I care about him and am not just in it for the sex? It’s hard to say – seems like he really needs me to be incredibly blunt or he misses things. You’d think “I like everything about being with you, not just the sex” would be clear enough, but trust me, it may not be. But at the very least I think he took my statements as compliments, and enjoyed hearing them, even if he’s not putting together the fact that I kind of see this as a relationship rather than just a friendship. And my sentiments didn’t make him go all distant or anything, thank god. I think I may even have sensed a bit more ardour behind his goodnight kiss than usual, actually, but it’s possible I imagined this.
It would have been nice if he’d said he cares about me too, but arguably he’s been saying it constantly with every piece of advice he gives me, every bit of free tech support he provides, and every bout of full-contact snuggling.
I mean, I guess it’s possible to behave like he does without being particularly attached to the person. And I’m going to try to keep from getting too emotionally invested until I can suss things out a bit better. But I’m feeling optimistic.
*Reconfiguring my router is yet another sweet thing he offered to do for me. When we tried to get my home internet signal onto the Blackberry he gave me, it turned out I couldn’t remember the password for the router so we couldn’t make that happen. Frankly, I didn’t much care; the Blackberry has internet on it anyway, from…Blackberry satellites or something, I don’t know how these things work. But The Pedant insists that having my home signal on there is better and faster and decided that he would reset my router and give it a password I can actually remember. Not long after he declared that he’d be doing this, I realized that I need that, anyway, to make my Apple TV device work. So yay.