Face value

Movie night with The Pedant was good; I just got back.

As often happens, there was no physical affection when we first met up, possibly because we’re both unsure of what the other wants and are waiting for each other to make the first move.

I was still kind of rattled from feeling like I may have been embarrassingly effusive with him at the club the week before; I don’t want to seem too eager.  And so when we sat down in the theatre I held back and waited to see if he’d make an effort to be closer to me.  The movie began; five or ten minutes went by without The Pedant touching me in any way.

That’s when I got into a silent argument with myself that went something like:

“Okay, this is ridiculous.  Just make the first move yourself.”

“But I want him to come to me!”

“Yeah, well, maybe he doesn’t know what the etiquette is.  You know half the time when you make that first move he immediately jumps on it like he’d been waiting for it.”

“Maaaybe.  But…the club night was so awkward…I felt like I was all over him that night and he didn’t necessarily want it…what if he’d rather I wasn’t affectionate with him tonight, for whatever reason?  What if he wishes I’d back off a bit in general?”

“Then he’s not the right person for you anyway.  And the fact remains that you’re sitting here mooning over this boy when he’s right…fucking…next to you.  Just take what you want.”

The Pedant was sitting with his hands on his thighs.  I decided to kinda sidle my hand over and brush up against his hand so I could gauge his reaction.  I nonchalantly put my arm on my armrest so I could easily accomplish this…and my fingertips draped over the front of the armrest and accidentally landed on The Pedant’s knee.

It was only a light touch, but the second I made contact, The Pedant leaned into me and caressed my hand.  A minute later he put his arm around me and pulled me against him, and I could feel his chest hitching against my shoulder as though he was panic-breathing.  Could it be that he did want this contact – was waiting for some sort of go-ahead from me – but was nonetheless a bit scared to initiate?  Did putting his arm around me feel risky to him?

At any rate, we spent half the movie with his arm around me.  Then perhaps the position grew uncomfortable for him so he withdrew the arm and we sat apart again…and I deliberately put my hand on the armrest, close to his, to see what (if anything) he would do.  Once again he didn’t make a move until I touched him; as soon as I allowed the back of my hand to brush against his, though, *pow* – engulfed like a bug in a venus flytrap.  For the rest of the movie my hand was in his lap either sandwiched between, wound up in, or caressed by his.

Sometimes there’d be a lull during which we just sat still, but every time I moved the tiniest bit – even just taking a deep breath or shifting in my seat to get more comfortable – it seemed to kind of goose The Pedant back into action and he’d caress me some more.  It intrigues me that he was so tuned in to everything my body was doing.  That can’t possibly be a bad thing, right?

Now, remember, I’m severely sleep deprived right now and this brings out my depression and paranoia.  So I found myself second-guessing everything – like wondering whether The Pedant was only being physically affectionate with me because he thinks that’s what you’re supposed to do during movies.  Maybe this was another one of his autistic faking-the-responses-he-sees-neurotypical-people-having things.

Then I remembered something a friend once said to me.  We were discussing a movie we’d just seen and she brought up some symbolism; I was like “Oh, I saw an interview about that; the director didn’t mean that to symbolize anything.  It’s just a coincidence.”  And my friend said they taught her in university that when you’re analyzing a book/movie/whatever, it doesn’t matter what the creator meant by it; all that matters is what’s actually there.

Transferring this idea to my evening with The Pedant, what was actually there was a boy who was acting warm and affectionate and touching me in ways that I liked.  Is it possible that he was feeling something other than warmth and affection?  Sure – but I can’t be expected to know that.  If he’s giving me mixed signals that’s his problem.

And really, what good does it do to second-guess him all the time?  If he’s sincere, then I’m ruining perfectly nice moments for myself with all my overthinking.  If he’s not sincere – if for some reason he’s acting fond of me when he really isn’t – it’ll come out eventually and I’ll deal with it then.

I’ve noticed that I tend to worry about completely conflicting things at the same time.  Like lately with The Pedant I simultaneously worry that he’s gonna drift because I’m too effusive with him, and that he’s gonna drift because I’m not effusive enough.  Clearly, these thoughts can’t be based on actual evidence; so it must be my anxiety disorders fucking with me.

From now on I’ll try to be more in the moment.  I really don’t think The Pedant is some kind of Machiavellian figure, anyway; I’m fairly sure that between him being a dude, not having anxiety disorders, and being autistic, he’s not putting nearly as much thought into every tiny interaction we have as I do.  I suspect he’s a pretty face-value kind of guy.

On our way to the bus stop after the movie, I asked if he wanted to come home with me; he said he couldn’t because he’s got stuff to do tomorrow.  He asked me if I’m still up for an overnight on Thursday, though – a plan he’d instigated a while ago.  I’m pleased that tonight’s outing didn’t cancel that one out – he’s not so sick of me that he needs to bail, or anything.

When the bus got to my stop, I leaned in for a goodbye hug and he kissed me on the mouth – fed me a sassy little bit of tongue, even.  I believe that was his tacit apology for accidentally turning last time so my kiss hit his cheek.  I accept and appreciate this apology.

He’s a good boy.  I really think so.  Let’s hope I can uphold my resolution to take his actions at face value.


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6 responses to “Face value

  1. Just A Slut

    Its probably not subject to debate, but is it possible that The Pedent is trying to act submissive for your sake? Some people (such as 50 Shades of Grey Author) seem to believe that Dominants do not like to be touched or shown affection unless it suits them or unless they initiate it.

    (I swear to Blog I hate that F—ing book!!! Mostly because people who know nothing about this lifestyle seem to think its a damned manuel and it makes them judgemental though they have no real experience)

    Is it possible that his not touching you or intiating contact may be because he is attempting to be a submissive that he believes you prefer?

    Its just an idea but if he fakes affection or mimics what he thinks is a relationship, then why wouldn’t he mimic kink they way he thinks he sees it portrayed as well?

    It may be time to talk to him and to quit tip toeing through the tulips. He doesn’t treat you with kid gloves even though he comes off insulting at times. You are the dominant so why should you have to be the one who guards her words?

    He can’t pick up a social cue with two handles and a fork lift so be blunt and say what you mean. That’s what I would do anyway.

    But then that’s me.

    -Just A Slut

    • Is it possible that his not touching you or intiating contact may be because he is attempting to be a submissive that he believes you prefer?

      …Maybe? Hard to say.

      I have a few conversations I’d like to have with him…once I get up the nerve. 🙂

  2. Brugmansia

    This is why I don’t go to the movies with dates. I like movies. When the opportunity arises to lose myself for two hours in a film, I don’t want to have to worry about how a guy interprets me touching or not touching him.

    Mixed signals: I haven’t read every post about The Pedant, but is it possible you are giving HIM some conflicting signals? My impression is that you do want to spend more time with him, get closer, enjoy each other more, maybe even head towards girlfriend/boyfriend status … but you’re scared that if you make this clear, it will scare HIM off. I believe it when you say that he has trouble picking up social cues, but if he told you he’d like to hang out once every 2-3 weeks, and in response you somewhat withdrew, backing off to fit his indicated expectations instead of mentioning that you’d like to hang out more often than that, then the social cue there is that you are fine with his pace (either because once every 2-3 weeks is ideal for you, too, or because you are willing to give up your preferred frequency of visits to keep him happy). So sometimes you two kiss, and sometimes you don’t; sometimes you fuck, sometimes you don’t. Why is it more of a mixed signal from him to display varying levels of physical affection, than from you? Also, you’ve written about being hooked on him, but you’ve also said you have nothing in common and nothing to talk about, and share neither intellectual compatibility nor a spiritual connection. Is it possible that despite your infatuation, these serious reservations could be subconsciously communicated to The Pedant? If he has any inkling that you don’t consider him ‘deep emotional talks’ material, but he also senses your (deliberately obfuscated) cravings for More … then those are some seriously crossed wires!

    I understand the paradox of wanting a serious relationship with someone but being certain that saying so will ruin all chances of it happening. The first person I ever fell hard for was a close guy friend, and that friendship ended as a result of me fessing up my true feelings. Even in the midst of being heartbroken, though, I never regretted my honesty. It is strangely empowering to own how I feel about someone else, and to know that how THEY turn out to feel about a relationship can’t change that.

    • You are indeed wise – I too have come to the conclusion that I may be giving him mixed signals, if for no other reason than the fact that I alternate being really affectionate and then not-so-much (I did this with The Doll, too…it happens because I’m in such a love/hate mood about relationships).

      For whatever it’s worth, when he texted me that he’d wanna see me once every two or three weeks, I texted back “For me it would be around every two weeks. So we’re basically on the same page.” I rounded up slightly – every week and a half would actually be my ideal – but I did indicate that my pace is different from his.

      I’ve realized recently that we do go beyond small talk; it’s just that we discuss emotional things so calmly that it feels like small talk. He’ll ask me how I’ve been and I’ll tell him I’ve been so frozen with anxiety about my future that I can’t paint, and it sucks; or we’ll be hanging out and he’ll get onto a tangent about how his parents’ marriage hasn’t worked in years but they won’t get a divorce because they’re Catholic, or how his dad is very probably mentally ill but he doesn’t know what to do about it. Also, for a long while he had an ex he was still in love with and trying to get back, and he’d angst about that to me (he’s since given up on her).

      I guess my benchmark for emotional intimacy is, like, crying in front of someone, or actively telling them that you’re having a bad day and need cheering up. The Pedant and I are more self-sufficient than that, but it’s not like we only ever talk about the weather.

      • Brugmansia

        Ah, okay, I wasn’t sure if I’d seen your response back about the 2-3 weeks thing. And I had interpreted your previous comments about the lack of deep talks as criticism of The Pedant, but I think that may have been my own misreading. It sounds like you do share a degree of emotional intimacy. It also sounds like both of you are holding on to a semblance, at least, of emotional detachment, as well.

        The whole ‘mixed signals’ phraseology implies that it’s possible (ideal, even) to send just one simple, immutably repetitive message, over and over. So not the case. We’re people, and people want lots of conflicting things. “Sincere” and “not sincere” aren’t necessarily the only options!

        Best of luck with your painting. If you paint anywhere close to as well as you write, then you must be fantastic!

        • I had interpreted your previous comments about the lack of deep talks as criticism of The Pedant

          Not criticism per se. Just me wishing he could open up to me more, I guess. Or simply observing that we don’t talk at that level, and wondering why not.

          We’re people, and people want lots of conflicting things. “Sincere” and “not sincere” aren’t necessarily the only options!

          This is an excellent point.

          If you paint anywhere close to as well as you write, then you must be fantastic!

          D’awwwww. You’re too sweet. ❤

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