I miss having a boyfriend; I miss being in love. And yet when I actually picture having that level of intimacy with someone, it feels…exhausting. I don’t want to immerse myself in some new dude’s personality. I just got free of Minx’s.
Probably it’s the stability I’m actually missing. When you have a stated commitment to someone, you know they like you and want to be with you; that’s out in the open (not like with The Pedant, whose intentions I still don’t understand after a year and a half). Also, when you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, they’re, like, your designated support person. It’s tacitly understood that they will help you move, drive you to the airport, comfort you when you’re sad, come to the office Christmas party with you, etc., even if they have to cancel other commitments to do it. Hell, when I was doing craft fairs Minx just assumed he’d be manning the tables with me – I never even had to ask.
I don’t have a designated support person*. If I have a personal crisis, I have to contact each of my friends one-by-one and see if one of them will help me – and they might not. Actually, if I’m poly I guess there’s a chance I’ll never have my own designated person again; my future boyfriend might have another girlfriend of equal significance to me. It might come down to “Sorry, I can’t help you move, my other girlfriend is acting in a play that day and I already promised I’d go.”
Mostly, I love the idea of polyamory and have made my peace with the aspects that once scared me. But the idea of maybe never again having someone who has to help me when I need it? That makes me feel really lonely and sad. Maybe if I ever get to the point of having more than one committed relationship, all the love and sex I’m getting will negate that sadness. But I’m not there yet.
What I really want is more of The Pedant, I think. If I saw him more often, and got an actual declaration from him that he likes me and anticipates us continuing to see each other for the foreseeable future, he’d be perfect – exactly what I need. Our interactions are pretty light and casual but he does cosy domestic things with me and I’ve somehow become totally hooked on fucking him**. Add some halfassed version of commitment and yeah. Ideal situation.
But he’s told me how often he prefers to see me, and it’s once every 2-3 weeks. And he rarely, if ever, texts me in-between times (although he responds in a friendly enough fashion when I text him first). Pushing for more contact and/or wistfully asking him how long he plans on staying in my life? Probably not gonna endear me to him.
So I’m backing off and trying to fill my time with friends, art, and cleaning the apartment – and with finding other boys to play with.
I do like The Mensch – we’re seeing each other again this Wednesday. But I wish I had an already-established boy in my life (who gave me as much attention as I need, unlike certain Pedants who won’t be named) – or even that I already knew The Mensch fairly well somehow and he was that boy – so I wouldn’t have to go through this getting-to-know-you crap. I feel way too old and tired and cynical for this right now. I would seriously not even be bothering except that I really crave kinky sex.
*Actually, come to think of it, when Minx and I were together he was absolutely shitty at dealing with my bad moods – at least near the end. Any time I ranted or raised my voice he’d coldly leave the room to punish me for being angry. And if I mentioned more than once that I was sad about something, he’d go “I KNOW. YOU DON’T HAVE TO KEEP TELLING ME.” So I suppose having a boyfriend isn’t so fantastic, after all.
**Seriously, his body has somehow become the hottest thing I’ve ever seen – despite me normally favouring skinny, hairless effeminate types and The Pedant being somewhat stocky and covered in thick black fur. Those broad shoulders; those dense, thick muscles; DAT ASS. *Pained sigh of deprivation.*