I feel the need to balance that last angsty post with a happy one. So, here is an awesome thing I’ve noticed: I’m becoming a lot more comfortable in my dominance. Particularly in bed.
When I was a teenager, I was plagued by all the usual stupid ideas about straight people’s sexuality: that once you get a guy turned on, you have to give him an orgasm; that if you’ve chosen to give him that orgasm via P-in-V, you’re “locked in” right to the end and can’t change your mind or switch to something else; that it’s really important for the woman to look attractive and be really proficient in bed, but not that important that she get pleasure; etc. And I’m embarrassed to say that a lot of that baggage stuck with me right up into my 30s.
But, I dunno, for some reason I’m finally letting it all go. Partly, I think, because I’ve been spending a lot of time on FetLife among guys who truly do love it when a woman puts herself first and foremost, so I’m finally understanding that being selfish is not a dealbreaker for everyone. Also partly because – for the first time in my life – I’m actually giving a lot of thought to what I want at any given time instead of just going with the flow. Dominance is all well and good, but you have to know what you want in order to pursue it – and this may have been the weak link for me.
So, for instance, when I’m fucking The Pedant I’ll think “Yeah, this is fun but I wanna get off and I can’t do that while I’m riding him.” And so I dismount and masturbate until I don’t feel like masturbating anymore. Then I climb back aboard if I feel like it…and if I don’t feel like it, I don’t.*
This thing where I pretend a guy is my very own animate sex toy is pretty awesome. And, okay, I’m working with a pretty small sample size here,** but so far nobody minds that I’m acting this way. I’m not encountering any resistance or whining.
*Although admittedly I’ll switch to giving him a hand job rather than just going “Yup, bored now. Let’s watch tv.” If we were in an actual D/s relationship, I might discontinue the sexytimes entirely when I was satisfied – but we’re not, and I think in vanilla sex it’s only polite to give your partner an orgasm if they want one. I may actually try withholding sometime anyway, just to see what The Pedant will do…I think it would be fun to try to keep him at a fever pitch for hours or days.
**The Pedant, Minx (although I was still somewhat inhibited with him), The Doll, and The Latent Heterosexual (I haven’t had intercourse with either of them, but both of them have massaged/caressed me and I’ve experimented with unapologetically asking for what I want and accepting more attention than I give out).