Sisyphus (zombie edition)

I do not know why WordPress sometimes kills my posts…but here’s one I wrote last night, brought back from the dead.  With slightly wonky formatting because…I dunno.  My computer hates me today.
Got rid of a bunch of clothes today.  Then I went out and bought some stuff…not clothes, but things that will nonetheless be kept in the apartment.  And my jerkbrain is telling me I’m a dumbass and I’ll never free myself from the clutter. 
 
Butbutbut – the stuff I bought is useful stuff:
* A backpack – I’ll use the new one for day-to-day stuff and keep my
old, slightly-falling-apart one loaded with all my modelling stuff so
I can just grab it and go.
* A plain blue sheet – because a lot of the places where I model have
a pad on the floor for me to pose on, and I’m often sitting or lying
on it and this seems a bit hygienically iffy.  Now I have a buffer
zone.
* A small, collapsible cube-shaped ottoman sturdy enough to support my
weight – because some of the classes I pose for are held in community
centres that only have huge clunky chairs with arms, and that’s no
good if people are sitting all the way around me. Now I can do seated
poses and everyone can see me properly.
All of that came to $40, by the
way [edit: and it included a doormat, too, which I forgot about til now].  And it’s all basically for work [well, not the doormat, obviously…the doormat is for the apartment-revamping].  And I did get rid of a higher
volume of stuff than I bought.  (Lord, I wish the voices in my head
would shut up and stop lambasting me…)In other news, when I texted The Pedant to say “What’s next week
looking like?  Wanna hang?” he texted back “I do.  And I have to get
that phone to you still*.” But he didn’t specify a day.  So that’s
infuriating.  I went ahead and invited him over for next Friday night,
and he said he thinks he’s free but he needs to get together sooner.
I thought he meant he wanted to come over Friday afternoon instead of
evening but no, he really really wants to unload that phone on me
(apparently he’s in a cleaning frenzy, too).  Preferably this weekend.

This is where things get problematic for me.  I like having lots of
alone-time, but when someone I like wants to hang out with me it’s
really hard for me to say no – especially when I don’t have a “valid”
excuse for turning them down (like being busy that day).

I actually have no hard-and-fast obligations at all (yet) from Sunday
through Wednesday of next week, but I’d asked High School Friend to
come on an Ikea run with me (still waiting for her reply) and I have
someone else who’s wanting to see me sometime soon and I was thinking
of offering her one of those days, and also I want to go spruce up my
booth at the store where I sell my art.  Plus I want at least one day
next week where I don’t have to go anyplace.

And what if someone calls to offer me spur-of-the-moment work?  I’ve
missed out on at least two shifts lately because I had a social
engagement that day (and felt I shouldn’t cancel/postpone it).  I’m
starting to enter a constant state of paranoia where any time I make
plans I’m convinced I’ll end up missing out on money because of them,
and kick myself later.  Scheduling – as you have seen from my previous
post – is an awkward thing for me.  It kinda triggers my social
anxiety.

So technically my calendar is empty except inside my head I have all
these nebulous plans suddenly crowding in on me.  And now The Pedant –
whom I like, and with whom I typically do naked things of a sort that
I’ve been craving a lot lately – wants to see me sooner than I’d
budgeted for.  And, I’m worried that if I’m too accommodating he’ll
see me as perpetually available and will stop putting any effort into
seeing me (I actually wonder if this is why he didn’t name a day when
we were texting…he figures he can make me an offer at the last
minute and I’ll just scramble to accommodate).

But dammit, I like The Pedant.  I want to see him.  And he wants to
see me on the weekend, and I’m not doing anything on Sunday, so it
would feel kinda stupid to be sitting around my house not getting
laid, y’know?**

But in the course of our texting, he let it be known that his phone
company that he’s been bugging me to join is having a deal for new
customers.  I looked into it and it really is a good deal, and I hate
my current provider***.  So I proposed that The Pedant take me to a
phone kiosk on Sunday and help me transfer my service over (and give
me his phone at the same time), and he said yes.  The fact that he’ll
be helping me out with this errand makes me feel less like I caved to
my sexual impulses and more like I’m being practical and smart.  😛

I think I need to start actually adding blocks of me-time to my
calendar to affirm that having plans with myself is as valid a reason
to say no to someone as having plans with someone else.  And I need to
come up with actual things to do during this me-time (even if it’s
just “watch movie” or “clean bathroom”) so I’m less likely to just end
up on the internet all day.

*He’s giving me his old cell phone as partial payment for the laptop I
sold him.

**Maybe I haven’t become as cooly cavalier about boys as I thought I
had, because seriously – if I turned The Pedant down, it would be
difficult for me to spend that day doing fulfilling stuff of my own.
I’d likely be distracted and horny and stalking The Pedant online to
try to figure out what he ended up doing instead.

***They’re fine as long as nothing goes glitchy, but when I have an
issue I’m trying to solve, their customer service team reveals
themselves to be a bunch of fucking idiots.  And they have openly lied
to me on several occasions.

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