Generally, I would say that I don’t play “games” in dating. I say what I mean and mean what I say, and I communicate without being passive-aggressive or manipulative or hinty.
One possible exception to my “no games” policy is in how often I get in touch with a guy. Usually I’ll contact a guy whenever I feel like it, without abiding by the “three day rule” or anything similar…usually.
Sometimes, though, I feel an edge of desperation rising up and I believe that my urge to text or email a boy is just to goose him into paying attention to me – not because I actually want to tell him something. And so I force myself to hold off.
I’m kinda going through that now. My last visit with The Pedant was so much fun that I want him to come over again – like, now – but…how to explain this…I don’t think his being here would actually stop me from missing him.
I read somewhere that the first cigarette of the day gives a smoker a super huge rush because they haven’t had one in hours; the nicotine is acting on a fairly “clean” nervous system so it packs a bigger wallop. Every subsequent cigarette is a failed attempt to recreate that first rush. The Pedant’s squirms and whimpers gave me a super huge rush the other day, but – as with cigarettes – I think if I have him again too soon, some of the impact will be lost.
It would be one thing if The Pedant were extremely sexually versatile and we were exploring all kinds of different things, but basically our sexual repertoire consists of me tying him down and doing stuff to his nipples until finally we fuck. It’s totally fun, but there’s a sameness to it and I think that no matter how hot and bothered I get rehashing his last visit in my head, seeing him again won’t satisfy me. It won’t give me new things to fantasize about. Just more of the old things.
And then the other part of the equation is that The Pedant’s snuggles and acts of service have made me feel cared for, and I love it…but I don’t trust it. The Pedant does stupid things sometimes, and the more often I see him, the more opportunities he’ll have to fuck things up…cynical, but true.
So the consensus in my brain seems to be that it’s more fulfilling to reminisce about The Pedant and fantasize about The Pedant than it is to actually be with him. At least for now.
And anyway, I worry that if I seem too into him he’ll become complacent and stop being so attentive. I was the one who asked him to a movie on Monday and invited him to sleep over afterward; then I broke down and sent him a silly comic two days later on Valentine’s Day; now it’s time to back up a bit. Even if it kills me. Which it might.
The Pedant posted on Facebook that there are several events going on tonight that he’s interested in, and he’s trying to decide between them. One event is a club night…walking distance from my house. It would be so easy to text him and tell him that if he decides to go to that thing, he can crash here afterward…but no. I don’t want to be initiating get-togethers twice in a row and I really don’t want him to start thinking of my apartment as a convenient crash pad to come to when he’s done having fun in the outside world.
Y’know what it is, actually? It’s that The Pedant is mushy with his actions but not his words. So when he’s here I feel like I’m relaxing into a warm bath of affection and appreciation from all his favours and snuggles, but after he leaves – bam. Nothing. He’s not given to sending mushy/sexy texts or emails (he’ll respond to my dirty-talk missives, but only to acknowledge them with a smiley or something – he doesn’t give that sexy energy back). So I kind of go into withdrawal.
I will not text The Pedant tonight to see if he ended up at the club near my house. I will not I will not I will not. And I will refrain from inviting him over, instead waiting for him to mention that he’d like to see me.
Unless a week or so goes by without him asking to visit. Then I’ll go ahead and set something up. Principles are great and everything but I wanna get laid.
Edit: AWWWW GODDAMMIT. The Pedant posted on Facebook that the snow is so pretty it calls for a walk in the park tomorrow…and I commented “That’s a good idea! I should hit up a park sometime soon, too.” You know…as bait. So that he’ll ask if I want to walk together. Ugh…so transparent and gross, but if I delete it now he’ll still get an email notification that I said it. I’m a dork.