Well, it’s finally happened. My sexual/romantic chemistry with The Doll has finally (and somewhat inexplicably) snuffed itself out completely.
I have to say, it really, really feels like he’s not that into me, either. Our body language is so awkward together. The other night I went to his apartment for dinner; I kissed him hello and it felt as though he went stiff, I tried to play with him a little bit and it felt like we were going through the motions, and then we ate dinner and sat across the room from each other and made small talk without attempting to snuggle or touch each other for the rest of the night – until our kiss goodbye, which was friendly and brief and neither of us tried to extend it.
But maybe I’m projecting my own feelings onto him. Or maybe his feelings have changed but he refuses to acknowledge it because I’m the first person he ever dated and it sucks to lose that…at any rate, he’s still sending me mushy Facebook messages and stuff. The day after the awkward dinner he messaged me to thank me for coming over and tell me he had a wonderful time (and to add that he ejaculated while we were playing – a fact he hadn’t realized until later when he took off his latex). My whole brain is pulsating with the need to not be dating him anymore but I could hardly respond to that message with “Uh-huh. Let’s just be friends!” – especially since the day after our dinner happened to be Valentine’s Day.
Luckily, I ignored his message for so long that he wrote another one asking me how my V-Day went, so I segued into general small talk without having to respond to the other thing. But now today he’s telling me that his coworkers think it’s weird that we don’t make plans for our next date at the end of an existing date, and he’s asked me whether I’d prefer for him to do that from now on (because apparently he discusses me at work. :P).
He’s painted me into a corner. I totally have to respond to this with “Actually, I think I need us to just be friends for now.”
Fuck fuck fuck.
I’m a little afraid that my Female Niceness Training will kick in and I’ll accidentally sugar-coat my sentiment to a point here he completely misses what I’m trying to say (it’s happened before, with other guys). But y’know what? He’s out in the suburbs and I’m over here. There’s nothing he can actually do to me or anything. So I’m gonna drop the hammer via Facebook message, using a carefully rehearsed, gentle-but-clear phrase, and then I’m gonna get up and physically move away from the computer for a little bit so I don’t get so squirrelly waiting for his response that I start compulsively prevaricating.
If he asks why the change, I’ll blame it on dating too soon after my breakup with Minx (which I think is part of the problem, but frankly I’ve identified some traits in The Doll that I think are turning me off, too…perfectly nice traits that he can’t help and that there’s no need to bring up).
I will have the courtesy to wait a few hours so I’m not making him all sad while he’s at work.
Right now I have to go run some errands, anyway.
Wish me luck with this. Not only do I want to stop the physical component of things with The Doll, I also want to see him less…our once-a-weekish schedule of hangouts is feeling like too much. But how do you tell someone you want to see less of them? Maybe I won’t say that outright but will just be “busy” more often when he proposes hangouts.
Lend me your strength, folks. I’ll need it.