Time to put The Doll away.

Well, it’s finally happened.  My sexual/romantic chemistry with The Doll has finally (and somewhat inexplicably) snuffed itself out completely.

I have to say, it really, really feels like he’s not that into me, either.  Our body language is so awkward together.  The other night I went to his apartment for dinner; I kissed him hello and it felt as though he went stiff, I tried to play with him a little bit and it felt like we were going through the motions, and then we ate dinner and sat across the room from each other and made small talk without attempting to snuggle or touch each other for the rest of the night – until our kiss goodbye, which was friendly and brief and neither of us tried to extend it.

But maybe I’m projecting my own feelings onto him.  Or maybe his feelings have changed but he refuses to acknowledge it because I’m the first person he ever dated and it sucks to lose that…at any rate, he’s still sending me mushy Facebook messages and stuff.  The day after the awkward dinner he messaged me to thank me for coming over and tell me he had a wonderful time (and to add that he ejaculated while we were playing – a fact he hadn’t realized until later when he took off his latex).  My whole brain is pulsating with the need to not be dating him anymore but I could hardly respond to that message with “Uh-huh.  Let’s just be friends!” – especially since the day after our dinner happened to be Valentine’s Day.

Luckily, I ignored his message for so long that he wrote another one asking me how my V-Day went, so I segued into general small talk without having to respond to the other thing.  But now today he’s telling me that his coworkers think it’s weird that we don’t make plans for our next date at the end of an existing date, and he’s asked me whether I’d prefer for him to do that from now on (because apparently he discusses me at work. :P).

He’s painted me into a corner.  I totally have to respond to this with “Actually, I think I need us to just be friends for now.”

Fuck fuck fuck.

I’m a little afraid that my Female Niceness Training will kick in and I’ll accidentally sugar-coat my sentiment to a point here he completely misses what I’m trying to say (it’s happened before, with other guys).  But y’know what? He’s out in the suburbs and I’m over here.  There’s nothing he can actually do to me or anything.  So I’m gonna drop the hammer via Facebook message, using a carefully rehearsed, gentle-but-clear phrase, and then I’m gonna get up and physically move away from the computer for a little bit so I don’t get so squirrelly waiting for his response that I start compulsively prevaricating.

If he asks why the change, I’ll blame it on dating too soon after my breakup with Minx (which I think is part of the problem, but frankly I’ve identified some traits in The Doll that I think are turning me off, too…perfectly nice traits that he can’t help and that there’s no need to bring up).

will have the courtesy to wait a few hours so I’m not making him all sad while he’s at work.

Right now I have to go run some errands, anyway.

Wish me luck with this.  Not only do I want to stop the physical component of things with The Doll, I also want to see him less…our once-a-weekish schedule of hangouts is feeling like too much.  But how do you tell someone you want to see less of them?  Maybe I won’t say that outright but will just be “busy” more often when he proposes hangouts.


Lend me your strength, folks.  I’ll need it.


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7 responses to “Time to put The Doll away.

  1. Just A Slut

    The problem with things like this is that there is no “nice way” to break up with someone. If you try to be too nice your words can be mis understood and you will resent the situation more. If you are too mean you get labeled (ie called a bitch like I have been) or the person makes you feel guilty.

    Breaking up on face book may be a bad idea and can be called insensitive. It may be time to give yourself permission to be blunt in a face to face deal. No matter what you do there may be negetive feelings. But atleast you won’t be cruel in dragging things out longer then necessary.

    I would make arrangements to meet in a public but intimate place (nuetral and not somewhere that you would take a date) and just tell him that you care but can no longer date him. I wouldn’t discuss minx. I would just tell him that you feel he deserves someone who is in a position to care more then you are currently able to.

    After you are blunt with him it may be best to walk away. (Thankfuly most healthy adults are less prone to make a scene in public)

    Also you may want to explain prior to the meeting that this will NOT be a playdate or a date and you should tell him to make arrangements to get himself home if this is a shared responsibility so no one is stranded and so he has privacy and dignity to deal with any residual emotions.

    I wish you the best and hope you don’t mind my oppinions.

    -Just A Slut

  2. I kinda have to second the face-to-face thing, especially if this is his first dating relationship. I know confrontations are super hard for you, but I feel like the Doll is a nice guy and deserves something more than a line of Facebook chat.

    It doesn’t have to be a huge deal though, and doesn’t necessarily have to be a confrontation at all. You could go the route of just being available less often, taking longer to answer his emails/texts, etc. If you do want to keep seeing him occasionally, that might be the way to go.

    If you do want to be more clear and definite, maybe just have a conversation over coffee or whatever and “just tell him that you care but can no longer date him. I wouldn’t discuss minx. I would just tell him that you feel he deserves someone who is in a position to care more then you are currently able to.” Maybe take care to tell him that he’s a great guy, but that it doesn’t seem like you mesh well as a couple. Just be matter of fact and remember that people’s reactions are often informed by the way you act when you present the material.

    Good luck!

  3. Sorry to hear this news, but I think it sounds like you know you are making the right call here…there’s just not enough chemistry to give it its own momentum. I’d also suggest taking a page from Captain Awkward’s book, so to speak, and remind you that you don’t have to give reasons or rationale, even if he asks for them. “This isn’t working for me right now” is the short version or a more expansive “It doesn’t feel right to me right now and though I would like to continue our friendship, I’m not up for more than that. I want to be honest about how I feel and encourage you to pursue someone who does want what you have to offer because you’re a great guy.” Good luck…these things are never easy no matter what side you’re on 😦

  4. Fnord

    Good Luck. I have no advice to offer, just the observation that it’s never easy for anyone.

  5. C

    Hi there, I’m a long time lurker, first time commenter. Breakups suck, and im sorry you have to do this. but im glad you were able to figure out your feelings. I just wanted to add that I agree with the people above saying to do it in person. It sounds to me like your relationship with the doll has progressed far enough that via Facebook might seem insensitive. Also, just a warning that your plan to use the minx excuse sounds like “female niceness training” to me, and might get misinterpreted as “oh, she’s just not ready yet, but maybe in a few months, we’ll try again.” … So I would probably follow the advice above of “you’re a great guy, but I don’t think we’re better as friends.”
    Whatever you decide, I hope it goes ok. I know you hate confrontations (me too!)… so best of luck.

  6. You guys, I love you and value your input, but the whole issue with The Doll is that I think he likes me a lot more than I like him; therefore there is no way in the damn world I could have set up a meeting with him – which he would believe was a date, and look forward to – and then broken up with him. That sounds about a hundred times meaner than delicately telling him via internet chat.

    It’s a done deal. He took it well. I’m off the hook. HOORAY!

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