When The Pedant and I got home and had those bowls of soup, he finished his first…and then draped himself all over me while I finished mine. It made me flash back to the first night Minx stayed over (back when I thought he would just be a fling); I made us eggs in the morning and he literally vertical-spooned me while I cooked them. Arms wrapped around me, cheek mashed into my shoulder, the whole deal. Also, back when I was 18 I had a boyfriend who (in the beginning) would also snuggle up behind me when he finished his food before me (I’m a slow eater). Minx and my high school ex both grew out of their clingy habits – Minx as he felt more assured of his place in my life, I think, and my high school ex because I very quickly began to out-cling him; he couldn’t have acted clingy even if he’d wanted to because I was invariably already barnacled onto him.
My infatuation with The Pedant is really starting to blossom – I’m beginning to reach out and give him affectionate caresses a lot more frequently and I can feel myself making goo-goo eyes at him – and I worry that this will turn the tables: he’ll end up all aloof and shit, and I’ll end up chasing him. I’m not sure what to do about this; maybe there’s nothing I can reasonably do. I don’t want to deliberately act standoffish when I’m not even feeling it, just to try to make him chase me. I like being affectionate with him and if I have to hold myself in check all the time, our hangouts won’t really be fun for me anymore. The one concession I make is forcing myself not to text or email him as much as I might like to. I’m always tempted to send him a mushy or sexy text the day after I’ve seen him, and most of the time I resist this urge (although I did just send him this for Valentine’s Day…two days after seeing him).
I have a lot of baggage with people postponing or being late. My dad would contrive to make me dependent on him for rides and then never leave/show up on time; I’ve had a lot of friends (or “friends” as the case may have been) who would either forget our plans and stand me up, or cancel all the time on a whim; my ex-husband was an alcoholic who would go out drinking, “lose track of time” and come home hours after he said he would. So when The Pedant texts to say he’ll be arriving twenty minutes later than we’d agreed upon, it just fuckin’ infuriates me and I feel like I’m not valued.
But The Pedant has outright told me that he’s late with everyone, not just me, and that his lateness is not a statement about how important I am to him. And during this most recent visit he:
- Paid for the movie and bought us some peanut butter cups to share (NB: he is unemployed)
- Gave me a piece of art he thought I’d like
- Volunteered to salt my front walk (not a euphemism) because the weather was about to get colder and he figured my front steps would get slippery
- Filled my sink with warm, soapy water and put my dirty dishes in to soak so it’d be easier for me to clean them later (NB: some of these dirty dishes were pre-existing, not ones we’d used together)
- Offered to help me tidy my living room(!) “I mean just having an extra pair of hands to hold things might be helpful.”
- Told me he thinks his style of electric razor would work better for shaving my head than mine does, and promised to send me a photo of it so I’d know what to look for.*
So all evidence points to him caring about me and wanting to make my life better, except that he has a tragic dumbass zone of being hopelessly late all the time. I’d like to be able to accept his lateness as part of who he is, and not get pissed off about it anymore…but I don’t know how. Suggestions?
Once again during this visit there was a point where The Pedant thought I might have orgasmed when really I was just building up to it/having a fun time. It is seriously so weird to me that he can’t tell the difference.
Once again during this visit (I haven’t mentioned it before but it’s happened every time) I was idly touching his penis an hour or two after he’d come and he snidely/sarcastically said something along the lines of “don’t get your hopes up” or “yeah…you’re not gonna get anything out of it at this point.” I can only assume that either he’s insecure about his refractory period, he’s not used to anyone wanting to touch his genitals without it being a sexual come-on, or both. So far when he makes these comments I’m just like “Duh, I know.” Next time, though, I think I’ll specifically explain to him that I’m not touching his penis because I want sex, I’m touching it because I like touching it. Frankly, cock-skin has such an amazing silky texture that I’d be all up in a guy’s business even if he orgasmed through his nose and his dick was literally just a spout that he peed through. It makes me sad that The Pedant appears to see his penis as merely a conduit of sexual activity and not as a fun, pretty thing for me to play with just for its own sake.
Speaking of The Pedant possibly not seeing himself as an object of desire…at one point he was lounging on the bed and I was just coming back from the bathroom or something and I stood in the bedroom doorway and asked him to lie on his belly. He looked confused/paranoid and asked “Why?” – I told him I wanted to get a good look at his ass. He haltingly rolled over for me, but not all the way; he seemed self-conscious. It was sort of adorable. What I’d actually wanted was for him to lie flat on his belly and prop his torso up on his elbows – a pin-up pose that would emphasize the glorious swell of DAT ASS by valleying the small of his back – but he seemed so awkward about my request to ogle him that I didn’t push for the specifics. I just gave his ass a grope and a bite and left it at that.
It is furiously hot to me that The Pedant seems so unused to being ogled. Part of me wants to push the envelope further and further just to watch him squirm, and part of me fears that if I keep telling him how hot he is, he’ll begin to believe it – and it might kill a lot of what I like about him. No more hot awkwardness from him. Maybe no more kind gestures or marathon petting sessions, either; maybe he does that stuff because he thinks his actions are all he has to offer. Maybe if he knows he’s hot he’ll get complacent. I’m not saying I want to actively make him insecure…I’m not a total asshole. But I’m not sure I want to make him feel actively secure, either…
Generally, I am repulsed by the thought of putting my mouth on a penis – I don’t enjoy giving fellatio for its own sake. But once I like a guy a certain amount – more accurately, once he’s shown his dedication to giving me pleasure – suddenly his cock begins to look delicious and I start really, really wondering what it tastes like and wanting to give some pleasure back. And so, on the second day of The Pedant’s visit when I was giving him a hand job and decided it would benefit from more moisture…I totally went with saliva instead of lube. And I applied it, um, directly**.
The Pedant has mentioned before in passing that oral sex does nothing for him, but when I swiped my tongue back and forth across his frenulum it drew out the most lovely long gasp. Ditto when I extended his foreskin and then circled my tongue between it and the head of his penis. Now, it’s not contradictory to me that he’d say he’s not into oral and yet he reacted well to me licking him. A lubed fingertip would probably provoke the same reaction. I figure when he said that oral does nothing for him he meant he doesn’t generally come from it. But maybe – just maybe – he believes that oral sex means a woman making her mouth into a tube and just thrusting up and down on him, and my tongue-intensive, detail-oriented style totally rocked his world***. Still, it’s not nice to ignore people’s preferences, so I only dabbled with my mouth briefly – just long enough to give him a good coating of saliva – and then went back to using my hand. Maybe at some point I’ll ask him if he’s reconsidered his stance on oral…or maybe I won’t. I haven’t yet decided whether I’m comfortable giving unprotected oral to someone who may have other partners, and I hate the taste of condoms, so maybe it’s best to leave the topic alone.
Oh, speaking of things The Pedant said he’s not into, I finally remembered to ask him whether he’d like to try assplay again sometime (apparently he’s had a woman’s fingers in him before but it didn’t do much for him). Sadly, The Pedant is convinced that he’s just not into prostate stimulation and he’s not into trying again. Butbutbut what if that other girl just wasn’t good at it, and I would’ve made his entire body come alive with my mad skillz? Oh well…I guess we’ll never know. To The Pedant’s everlasting credit, he’s never pushed the idea of fingering my ass – even though he really likes doing it – because I’ve said I’m not into it. The least I can do is afford him the same respect.
It strikes me that during this recent visit, The Pedant made me feel much more the focus of his attention – he didn’t talk about his other sextytimes experiences while we were getting it on. Hard to know whether this is a coincidence or if he’s actually learned his lesson.
It also strikes me that The Pedant hasn’t spouted off any gender essentialist bullshit in a while. Which is probably a coincidence, but secretly I like to pretend that I’m actually teaching him – by example – that his beliefs about men and women are wrong. If he ever believed that women are less visual, surely my constant ogling has begun to show him the truth. And it turns me on to imagine that I’m the first person to make him feel so mushy and snuggly after sex (I know I’m probably not, but this is fantasy here) and that it’s causing him to doubt his previous idea that only women feel post-coitally mushy.
I do wonder how I rank for The Pedant, sexually. He’s given me the distinct impression that most of his previous partners were of the passive, naive variety. One of his smug stories is about someone tying him up and using him as a sex toy all day; the rest were about him giving pleasure to his partners – usually teaching them some whole new way of orgasming. He almost always comes across as the knowledgable, in-control one in his sexual anecdotes. And yet I feel like I can reduce him to a whimpering puddle with just a kiss or a touch. Am I the only one who’s seen him so completely unguarded, so completely lost in sensation? It seems…well, maybe not likely, but feasible, anyway. And needless to say I really love the idea of being his Best in Bed Ever. And I doubly like the idea of him going through life thinking he was some kind of sexual savant – maybe even a sexual savant with dominant tendencies – until I came along and turned the tables on him. 😀
And hey…this time around The Pedant didn’t act dominant with me at all! No suave bullshit, no backing me up against stuff to give me some showy passionate movie-kiss. God, it would be so nice if he’s dropped the manly-man facade completely and let me lead. RAWR.
*Y’know what it is about The Pedant, actually? He’s the perfect blend of boyfriend and animal fling. The sweet things he does fulfill the part of me that misses feeling domestic with someone, but we don’t have deep emotional talks and to an extent I don’t know where I stand with him (like the public displays of affection thing) and this keeps a little edge of excitement on things.
**I know, I know. Stupid thing to do when we hadn’t had the STD talk yet. But I don’t think it’s too easy to catch anything by giving oral, and obviously his junk smelled and looked perfectly healthy – no sores or weirdness of any kind. After the sexytimes I was like “Ummm I should probably ask when you’ve been tested last” and he said six months ago (and that oh, this means he’s due for another) and everything came back totally clean. And we talked a bit about disease risks and he demonstrated an above average knowledge of STDs and how they’re transmitted. So I feel pretty okay about things.
***All the tongue action is actually to compensate for the fact that I can’t effectively use my mouth as a piston – my mouth is so small that my jaw begins to hurt really soon, and a lot of guys’ dicks can’t even fit past my teeth. But a couple of guys have appreciated the way I do things, and at least one guy had his first-ever orgasm from oral thanks to me. He, too, had been blown before and thought it did nothing for him…until I came along. So I’m not totally terrible at it.