I don’t know what’s up with The Pedant. Yesterday afternoon – a few hours before he was supposed to come over – he texted me saying “FYI, I won’t be able to sleep over tonight :(.” His wording befuddled me. Was he saying he couldn’t come over at all, or that he’d come over but not sleep here? If he was cancelling entirely he wouldn’t start it with “FYI” would he? Aw, fuck it, I dunno. So I texted back “But you’re still coming over for a while?”
He said yes, but that he has a cold sore so we shouldn’t play. So I thought, okay, he must have something to do early tomorrow, or something that requires him to be in his part of town and not mine, hence no sleepover. And the cold sore thing must be a separate issue. But he ended up staying over, anyway, and even sticking around for a quite a while today. I’m thinking now that he really had meant “I will not be coming over at all” – and that his reason was that he didn’t want to give me face-herpes – but when I mistook his meaning he just went with it, for whatever reason.
It was a really nice night, considering I’d been dying to fuck him and didn’t get to. He got in the door and immediately took a big Lindt chocolate bar out of his pocket and handed it to me (“I figured I should have something in my pants that would give you pleasure”) and we watched season 2 of Drawn Together on DVD (because he’d seemed to enjoy season 1 so much last time).
Every other time he’s come over, The Pedant has taken his clothes off fairly quickly – more to avoid getting cat hair on them than anything else. I was kind of hoping he’d do the same this time – and contrived to be wearing only my bathrobe when he arrived so as to facilitate naked snuggles – but he did not take off anything but his coat and boots, and I didn’t ask him to. I assumed (correctly, as he told me later) that he was trying to stave off sexual temptation. But he started idly stroking my face/neck/hands and I slid the robe off my shoulders a bit to offer more skin to his touch, and things progressed that way until finally I was totally naked and he was still totally clothed. The entire time we watched Drawn Together (and we’re talking hours here) he was caressing me. Nothing directly sexual – no contact with my genitals, for instance – just lovely swirly touches that made me sigh and squirm and moan.
I didn’t feel less powerful or more vulnerable for being naked when The Pedant wasn’t; I thought of him as a service submissive whose job it was to please me. As far as I was concerned, his clothes were on because his pleasure was irrelevant and therefore his genitals and other erogenous zones did not need to be accessible.
It was lovely, getting to be so selfish. I’m not sure I’ve ever allowed myself to do that to such an extent – like not thinking “I should be doing stuff back” or even “I’m going to repay him for this nice attention at some later time” but just purely enjoying myself. The combination of The Pedant’s eager-to-please personality and his cold sore that precluded kissing and sex totally allowed me to just relax and bask in his attentions without giving anything in return but my moans of appreciation.
I have no idea how late it was when Disc One of the DVD box set drew to a close. In hindsight I’m thinking it was already way past time for The Pedant to have left, if he really wasn’t planning on sleeping over. But there’s no clock in my living room, and when I asked “Wanna watch Disc Two?” he immediately said okay. We had a little snack and then I settled back down against him (with my head in his lap instead of my feet this time so he could TOUCH ALL THE THINGS) while we watched more cartoons. He kept caressing me and I dozed off a few times and it was fucking awesome; if there’s anything better than falling asleep to cartoons while being petted by a hot, solicitous boy, I don’t know what it could possibly be.
Eventually, The Pedant eased from a sitting position into a lying-down position (with his legs still hanging over the edge of the couch and my head still resting on them) and fell asleep, too. My dozing was light and intermittent; when the DVD ended and switched back to the main menu (repeated, annoying theme music) I turned it off and got up to check my bedroom clock. I was astounded to see that it was almost 7am.
Behind me, The Pedant stirred; I said “It’s later than I realized. When did you need to be home?” (because, remember, I was still under the impression that he had some obligation preventing him from spending the night). He said “Meh, at this point I might as well just crash here.” He began to curl into a different position on the couch and I was like “Dude, there’s way more room on the actual bed. We might as well shift into the bedroom.” He made a grunting noise in agreement, and when I came back from a quick bathroom break he was stretched out on his back on the bed, looking like a floating head because my sheets are very dark purple and his clothes were all black and it was dark in the room.
I lay down next to him and it turns out he’d flung his one arm across my side of the bed; I didn’t notice it in the dark but I felt it under my shoulder as I lay back. I scootched so that I was facing him and his arm fit itself into the groove of my neck, and he immediately tightened the arm around me and bear-hugged me up against him like I belonged there. I don’t know why these acts of affection from him always surprise me, but they do. I put my top arm across his waist and squeezed him back, nuzzling into his chest, and he kept up his end of the hug for a few beats longer than I’d anticipated and put his other hand on top of mine. The whole thing gave me this huge wave of mushy feelings and for the first time that night I keenly missed being able to kiss him. I would have loved to have stripped him down, lain next to him skin-to-skin, and just languorously touched and kissed and probably eventually fucked him in sleepy, unhurried slow-motion.
Just as an aside: the first time I ever saw the movie Let The Right One In, I was left feeling a bit annoyed; the movie centres around a deep friendship that forms between a young boy and the girl next door, but the two of them never really talk. And it’s not like the film begins in the middle of the friendship, after the two of them know each other well and things have gotten comfortable; we see their very first meeting. Every time these two people get together, it’s pretty much just very sparse small talk between them:
“Hi. I live next door”
[Two minute pause.]
“Do you like puzzles?”
“You can have this Rubik’s cube.”
[Four minute pause]
“Okay I’m gonna go now.”
That was an exaggeration, of course, but it’s basically what the main characters’ interactions felt like to me. And yet they were supposed to be super-close friends.
I complained about this to Ex, and he said he didn’t see the sparse dialogue as unrealistic at all. He said he thinks friendship has a lot less to do with actually knowing someone (the details of their life and all the other stuff you’d talk about in the getting-to-know-you phase) than most people think. He said sometimes you meet someone and you just like them, immediately. It’s just a chemical thing, or something. And I thought about the way strange dogs can sniff each other for two seconds and immediately decide whether or not they like each other, and I thought about all the cases of whole different species of animals being friends with each other, and I decided that he’s right. Friendship is not, or not always, a matter of intellectual compatibility. Sometimes you click with someone and it has nothing to do with knowing them.
That’s how I feel about The Pedant lately. Sometimes it seems like we have almost nothing in common and nothing to talk about, and yet…I like him. I just do. Although I credit this more to a combination of history and good sexual chemistry than to some deep spiritual connection. When I first met him I found him kind of abrasive, actually. But he keeps coming back – he hasn’t mysteriously bailed out of my life like so many other people have – and he does things like bringing me chocolate and caressing me to sleep and telling me about a cell phone plan he thinks would save me money. How could I not get attached?
Anyway, back to our story: as usual when The Pedant is over, I slept fitfully (this time I blame part of this on Bastardcat, who kept walking on our heads). I did sleep for maybe six hours though (albeit badly) and The Pedant remained on his back with his arm around me the entire time. Sometimes I cuddled up to his side and sometimes I turned away from him (and the hand of his wraparound arm would find my breast and give it a little squeeze hello), but he never rolled over or tried to get his arm back. And when I finally woke up and he felt me stir, his arm tightened around me for a moment. Goddamn, I wanted to kiss him.
LIke the last time The Pedant was over, I stayed and snuggled for a bit but then extricated myself and brought the laptop out to the living room while The Pedant slumbered away for another little while*. When he eventually staggered out of bed around 2pm, he suggested we go to the diner down the street for some all-day breakfast. I asked if he would help me bring home my new tv first (it had been delivered to the post office the day before) and he said okay.
As he used up literally an entire lint brush getting Bastardcat’s fur off his clothes, I ogled the back of his pants and wished that he were naked. “I’m going to have to take a picture of your ass at some point,” I said aloud. “You don’t need one,” The Pedant said. “I don’t?” “You can see my ass in person on a regular basis.” “But what about when you’re not here?” I said, pouting, and he laughed and called me spoiled. I really think he’s somewhat unfamiliar and uncomfortable with being found attractive. It’s kind of a turn-on to fluster him. 😀
I knew from the stats on the electronics site that my new tv only weighs about 24lbs – I can lift 24lbs. What I didn’t anticipate (but should have) was that there would be a lot of packing material stuffed in around the tv itself, making the box bloody huge. I’m really glad The Pedant was there to help me because it would have been really hard for me to wrestle the box up my stairs.
We had a nice leisurely “breakfast” at the diner around 3pm, and The Pedant indicated that he’d probably go home afterward. But when we finished eating and headed out, I had to pause at the transit stop and go “Soooo, are you going home by this route, or…?” because he looked like he was going to walk right past the stop (NB: a couple of blocks past that stop is my apartment). The Pedant muttered something about how he’d like to keep hanging out with me, but yeah, he really probably should go, and we hugged goodbye and that was that.
I don’t understand this thing The Pedant does where he says he needs to get going but then doesn’t budge (or, in this case, makes as if to walk right back to my apartment). I mean the obvious assumption here is that he must like me so much that he doesn’t actually want to go, but I’m not so sure that’s it. The Pedant comes off as brash and confident but I’m realizing more and more that he really does have a hard time with social cues and is likely faking his way through a lot of interactions, big time.
I’m 99% sure we’ve had times where we were each waiting for the other one to set a precedent for our interactions. The first bunch of times we hung out, for instance, I didn’t hug him hello because he didn’t make any move to hug me and I figured that meant he wasn’t into that; now I strongly suspect he was actually doing the exact same thing. One day I went ahead and flung myself on him anyway, and that broke the seal and we became huggers hello.
And then there are things he seems to do because he thinks they’re expected of him, like being the sexual aggressor with me and spewing inadvertently rapey “dirty talk” during makeouts (he hasn’t done that in a while, thank god).
Long story short: The Pedant doesn’t tend to speak his thoughts/wants/needs outright*** (because society has taught him that it’s gauche to do that, so he fakes his way through things instead) and I know he sometimes does things simply because he thinks he’s “supposed” to. It seems feasible that this isn’t him wanting to stay, but something else entirely…hanging around because other women have been clingy and whiny so he feels like he’s “supposed” to have a couple of false starts before he actually leaves, or hanging around because he’s waiting for some kind of signal that it’s okay to go (and me saying “okay” when he declares an intention of leaving isn’t obvious enough…?). I dunno.
It would just really bug me if it turned out he spent the night last night for some reason other than, y’know, wanting to.
*I passed by the bedroom a couple of times and The Pedant was sleeping in a different position every time**, which makes me wonder if he did want his arm back before but just thought it’d be rude to say so.
**One time that I looked in on him, The Pedant was lying on his stomach and Bastardcat was lying on The Pedant’s thighs and using his ass for a pillow. This despite the fact that there were wide swaths of empty bed on either side.
***Last night, for instance, I felt very much in the dark. First he says he won’t spend the night, then he deliberately watches DVDs with me until it’s too late to go. What the hell happened there? Did he not want to come over whatsoever, but when I misinterpreted him he was too afraid to correct me? Was he only balking at spending the night because he didn’t want us to end up fucking (and possibly give me his mouth-herpes), but once he realized we both had the self-control to resist teh secks, he felt safe enough to stay? Or was it something else entirely? I WILL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE HE DOESN’T COMMUNICATE.