A scar I hadn’t noticed.

Statistically, women tend to talk in run-on sentences and then have to gasp for breath, and speak in a somewhat tentative fashion.  (Whereas men tend to make short pronouncements and to interrupt other people more than women do.)

I am aware that I am a typical chick in this regard.

But I’ve just realized that it’s gotten much, much worse.

I dunno…it just feels like any time I try to say more than two consecutive sentences to someone, I trip all over myself and run out of breath and my voice gets all squeaky.  Then a mean little observer in the back of my brain goes “DUDE you sound like a three year old on a massive sugar high.  How is this person even still listening to you?  How could they – or anyone else – possibly take you seriously?” and that makes me so anxious that I really can’t talk for shit.

I blame Minx.  Goddamn fucking Minx.

Minx, who zoned out whenever I was talking to him.  Minx, who repeatedly told me that most of what I say is “filler”*.  Minx, who retained maybe four percent of anything I ever told him, so I got in the habit of repeating myself all the time to make sure the important things stuck, but god forbid I should ever repeat something from that four percent or he’d snap “you told me that already!”  Minx, who would frequently cut me off mid-sentence by shrieking, “I can’t deal with the sound of your voice right now!!!”

He wasn’t like that in the beginning of our relationship, but by the end he was…really bad.  It felt like only a matter of time before he’d start flat-out yelling “SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP” every time I opened my mouth.

So basically, the person I was closest to in the world told me over and over – verbally and nonverbally – that I’m boring and talk too much and my voice is annoying.  Plus I’m simply not used to having someone around who actually listens to me, so I now find people’s undivided attention kind of unnerving.

And so I squeak and stammer and have a hard time coping with steady eye contact.

Fuck. 

 

*Although his own speech patterns were like Bobcat Goldthwaite’s except without the yelling…he would just kind of lunge headlong at each sentence several times before he finally managed to conquer it.

4 Comments

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4 responses to “A scar I hadn’t noticed.

  1. Moz in Oz

    I’m not sure that’s just Minx, but he sounds worse than average.

    For me, I lack the deep-voiced drawl many men cultivate. And I find that even when I speak slowly and repeat myself many people go “does not fit, rejected” at a subconscious level.

    So it may be more related to whether you’re saying things he (or people) don’t want to hear, or that don’t fit “the way things are”. Admittedly I sometimes spend so much time mentally rehearsing and planning what I’m going to say that I forget that I haven’t actually said it (so I make notes to myself… it feels stupid, but it seems to help).

    But yeah, step one: avoid people who don’t listen to you 🙂

  2. Nina

    And yet, here you are expressing yourself so powerfully on your blog and being read by several others who have a huge amount of respect for you.

    Replace WMT (What Minx Thought) with the reality of you right here, right now. The woman who is in control of her life, and expresses herself beautifully. And who is still evolving how she expresses herself in RL. Take a deep breath and relegate WMT to the 6th level of hell!

  3. Just A Slut

    We have so much in common. I feel like I can’t speak well either. K once said to me that the things I say bother people and I can make a whole room take offense with one sentence.

    I had a job as a sales representative and my boss said that every time I open my mouth a puppy dies somewhere.
    I was devestated and had a hard time with my emotions for the rest of the day.

    I had never been shy until I became an adult. I can write what I think with no trouble though. Try not to think about Minx so much. It sounds as if he was a really unhealthy mistake. And honestly he just sounds plain mean and hurtful.

    Does anyone REALLY need to be reminded THAT often that a person doesn’t think they are perfect? I am sorry to hear you are going through this. This was a really sad post.

    -me

  4. Awww, hugs. You obviously can form and communicate interesting and coherent ideas. Keep remembering that and make a great big cartoon hammer out of it to smash Minx and whoever else is giving you bad feedback. That and breathe!

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