Small mercies.

So hey, remember when I thought that mysterious fatigue thing was coming back?  I think I was wrong about that – I think maybe I was just stressed out and not sleeping too well and that was causing my low energy; for the past week or two I’ve been feeling much better.

Or, fuck it, maybe I do have some kind of mysterious chronic illness that ebbs and flows but will never, ever go away.  Not unlike my clinical depression, which I’ve had my entire life but still for some stupid reason think “OMG I’m cured FOREVAR!!!!1!” every time it goes into remission for a bit.  Hope springs eternal, apparently.

But anyway, today I posed for a four-hour-long art class and then walked home (not a small walk, either;  about 6 km/4 miles, according to Google maps) and was still able to prepare myself a quick meal before lying down.  And the lying down wasn’t even of the “can’t…remain…upright…vision…getting cloudy…” variety, it was just me wanting to get comfy in bed and surf the ‘net for a bit.  Holy shit.

The Mysterious Fatigue That I Suspect Was a Viral Infection had left me really atrophied from lying around all day, by the way, but I’m slowly building my strength back up again.  Not that I look any different or anything.  I’m just saying that a few months ago, if asked by an art instructor to do some two-minute poses, I’d mostly stick to some variation of standing-around-with-one-hand-on-my-hip, or else lounging around in a chair or on the floor.  Today I was asked to do some two-minute poses and I did shit like reaching for an imaginary item way over my head or suspending myself in a half-crouch like I was frozen in the act of getting up from the floor.  I realize it’s probably pretty standard for a person to be able to hold their arms out for two minutes without it being a huge deal, but it’s goddamn revolutionary for me.

I love that I’m getting stronger.  I love that my poses are getting better and more dynamic, and that I’m barely ever sore after class anymore.

What I’d really love is to start weight training again so I could eventually be objectively strong and not just “stronger than I was when I was sick.”  I haven’t tried weight training yet because I don’t quiiiiiite trust this upturn in my health; I don’t want to embark on a fitness journey and then have to give it up in just a few weeks.  Also, if this newfound energy isn’t going to last long, I’d rather spend it on more instant kinds of gratification, like socializing or fucking or painting.

So I’m not going to think about weight training yet.  Weight training requires ambition; it requires keeping a steady eye on the future.  For now I want to live in the moment and just enjoy the fact that – at this exact second – I’m finally feeling okay.

1 Comment

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One response to “Small mercies.

  1. Irene

    I dunno, I don’t think it hurts to be in a “some is better than none” mode for a while. I occasionally fool myself into doing teeny bits of exercise by going, “I’m not strength training. I just feel like doing a few push-ups on the counter to see if I can. I like standing on one foot sometimes.” Etc.

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