I know men aren’t actually ravenous beasts who will fuck absolutely anything, anywhere, any time. I do know this, intellectually. But it’s taking a while for my emotions to catch up.
The Pedant was going to come over on Saturday night, but has since told me he has a bit of a cold and might not make it (but he’ll let me know). And I was absolutely fine with this…until I went on Facebook just now and saw that he’s out and about and making status updates from his phone.
So…he’s not gonna bow out of other outings because of being sick. Only (potentially) coming over here and having sex with me.
Now, the thing he’s at is a political protest; it’s a one-time event and it’s important to him. It’s not like he’s hanging out at the mall or something. He’s probably been planning on attending that protest for a while, and I don’t honestly expect him to blow that off and go to bed early so he can honour my much more spur-of-the-moment invitation. The situation here is perfectly reasonable. But dammit, it hurts my widdle feewings. 😦
And my first urge was to pre-emptively cancel on The Pedant and then try to arrange something with The Doll for that night instead. Bad Cowgirl. BAD. Human beings are not interchangeable and they are not Band-Aids so do not go down that road. If things fall through with The Pedant, you’ll have a nice evening at home alone and you’ll fuckin’ like it.
I think another issue I’m having is that it’s always been hard for me to initiate outings with people. I’m not sure why – maybe because I was the school pariah for my entire childhood and knew that any friendly overtures I made would get me ridiculed so I learned to keep to myself? Maybe my depression and anxiety just make me too passive to break through my shell some days? Hard to say. Oh, and also I can find it hard to initiate sex sometimes because previous partners have mocked my high sex drive and acted like my desire for them gave them some kind of power over me. So there’s that baggage, too.
So inviting The Pedant to come over and fuck me, only to have him say “I might have to stay home and nurse myself through this cold” but then continue hanging out with other people? Ouchy on some pretty personal levels.
Meh. It’ll be fine. I’ve found that when I’m feeling hurt or jealous and I know there’s no good reason for it, I can pretty much just ignore the feelings and they’ll go away. Like, not repress the feelings, just notice them without judgement (the way you’re supposed to when you meditate) and wait for them to pass.
Back to painting.