I know men aren’t actually ravenous beasts who will fuck absolutely anything, anywhere, any time.  I do know this, intellectually.  But it’s taking a while for my emotions to catch up.

The Pedant was going to come over on Saturday night, but has since told me he has a bit of a cold and might not make it (but he’ll let me know).  And I was absolutely fine with this…until I went on Facebook just now and saw that he’s out and about and making status updates from his phone.

So…he’s not gonna bow out of other outings because of being sick.  Only (potentially) coming over here and having sex with me.

Now, the thing he’s at is a political protest; it’s a one-time event and it’s important to him.  It’s not like he’s hanging out at the mall or something.  He’s probably been planning on attending that protest for a while, and I don’t honestly expect him to blow that off and go to bed early so he can honour my much more spur-of-the-moment invitation.  The situation here is perfectly reasonable.  But dammit, it hurts my widdle feewings. 😦

And my first urge was to pre-emptively cancel on The Pedant and then try to arrange something with The Doll for that night instead.  Bad Cowgirl.  BAD.  Human beings are not interchangeable and they are not Band-Aids so do not go down that road.  If things fall through with The Pedant, you’ll have a nice evening at home alone and you’ll fuckin’ like it.

I think another issue I’m having is that it’s always been hard for me to initiate outings with people.  I’m not sure why – maybe because I was the school pariah for my entire childhood and knew that any friendly overtures I made would get me ridiculed so I learned to keep to myself?  Maybe my depression and anxiety just make me too passive to break through my shell some days?  Hard to say.  Oh, and also I can find it hard to initiate sex sometimes because previous partners have mocked my high sex drive and acted like my desire for them gave them some kind of power over me.  So there’s that baggage, too.

So inviting The Pedant to come over and fuck me, only to have him say “I might have to stay home and nurse myself through this cold” but then continue hanging out with other people?  Ouchy on some pretty personal levels.

Meh.  It’ll be fine.  I’ve found that when I’m feeling hurt or jealous and I know there’s no good reason for it, I can pretty much just ignore the feelings and they’ll go away.  Like, not repress the feelings, just notice them without judgement (the way you’re supposed to when you meditate) and wait for them to pass.

Back to painting.


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7 responses to “But…but…vagina!

  1. Totally relate to this. But I make the mistake of using guys as a distraction or band aid as you said. Feelings. Ugh.

  2. I think you shouldn’t be afraid to ever express what you want, you are a grown ass women and you have every right to say when you want some sex or whatever it is. Aint nothing wrong with that.

  3. Also! What I’ve learned from Wonderboy is that sex, for many men at least, is quite an effort. It’s always possible that they are afraid it won’t work. He knows you have expectations of fucking and might actually be intimidated to come, because of being a bit under the weather and being afraid that he’d scew it up somehow. Espacially I feel this might be the case here since he has that tendency to take so much pride in women (and you) orgasming with him that it’s sometimes annoying… You know, maybe he’s a lot insecure about sexuality. I was also thinking this, because he seemed to have a lot of hidden submissive tendencies in bed… ones you were totally unaware of prior to fucking him. He might still be in a long process to accept himself, and might even think that this kind of thing probably isn’t a turn-on for women etc. And the way you said it seemed like it was his duty to come, that he wasn’t so much in desperate need of it when you last had sex and it seemed it might not work. Could it be that he’s more of a service oriented sex partner (as I am)?

  4. Depression and anxiety tend to make me head for the worst possible reason for rejection. I have to make a conscious effort to counteract that crap. Bleah, always a work in progress, never done. Anyway, there must be some good possible reasons why he doesn’t want to come over. Like he doesn’t want to give you his cold. Or he doesn’t want to be bad company because he’s feeling shitty (being cranky at a protest could be a good thing lol.) Even if you can’t get to the point of assuming the best possible reason, at least get some on the table for a little balance.

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