More poly negotiations.

As you may recall, The Doll said he was fine with nonmonogamy but would like me to disclose ahead of time when I’m going to be hanging out with someone in a non-platonic way (and I guess he’ll do the same for me).

It has since occurred to me, though, that this is not practical.  Sometimes, things happen spontaneously.  Also, while I understand that The Doll wants an idea of what I get up to, I don’t like feeling controlled.  He’s not the boss of me, nor do I consider him a “primary” relationship that I need to nurture above all others.  In fact, anyone else I’m likely to canoodle with right now actually predates The Doll by a wide margin; it would feel kind of ridiculous to tell The Pedant (whom I like just as much as The Doll and have been seeing exponentially longer) that he can’t have a spur-of-the-moment visit because I’m obligated to give the new guy advance notice.

And I wouldn’t want The Doll to miss out on any spontaneous fun because of this problematic pact, either.

I barely know how to navigate polyamory myself sometimes, let alone how to guide a total noob through it, but after a lot of thinking I’ve come to the conclusion that the thing to do is find out why The Doll wanted that rule, and see if we can satisfy that underlying need directly instead of through this rule.

For instance, if The Doll is anxiously wondering how many other dudes I’m seeing/how often I see them/how likely it is that he’ll be usurped, and that’s why he asked me to tell him about each incident upfront, I’d be happy to give him a rundown of my situation and reassure him that he has a place in my life.  Hopefully that would put him at ease and this stupid rule can go away.  

I messaged him on FetLife, telling him the rule is beginning to seem impractical to me and sharing my idea of bypassing it by meeting his emotional needs some other way.  I then asked him some questions about what the rule was meant to accomplish for him – this way I can get an idea of how to proceed.

He responded with a “placeholder” that he’ll have to think about my questions and get back to me later.  His tone was neutral/unoffended.

So far, so good.


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3 responses to “More poly negotiations.

  1. Just A Slut

    You have my admiration between yourself and your doll. A poly relationship is hard and requires much more then a mainstream or kink relationship. (Hate the word vanilla. Feels judgemental)

    I am in an open marriage and my domme isn’t my spouse. I love her but she has a completely different life and so do I when we leave each other. The best advice I can give you is to respect boundaries. And listen between the lines.

    My husband said he was ok to open the marriage. But he never said he was uncomfortable with other men. A few arguments later and I figured it out. We closed the marriage until we fixed the kinks and now everything is smooth. We have rules we follow because we care.

    I do not sleep with men and my husband agrees all of his extra partners are over the age of 24. Its little things like a signal you miss that can ruin an awesome poly situation.

    Another piece of advice is really common sense but this is just in case and for other people, you should always be honest with all of your partners. Especially when sex is involved. But the dirty details may not be necessary information and avoid compairing partners where feelings may be hurt. (You would be surprised how many friends of mine did this and caused un necessary drama for themselves and others)

    If you like you can feel free to email me. I love your blog.

  2. Perhaps rather than giving advance warning before dates with other people, The Doll just needs to know about the people themselves. LIke maybe just give him a brief rundown of the other people you’re seeing and your level of involvement, then update him as necessary?

    Since he’s so inexperienced with relationships and poly, perhaps you could give The Doll a copy of a book like Opening Up or The Ethical Slut.

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