As you may recall, The Doll said he was fine with nonmonogamy but would like me to disclose ahead of time when I’m going to be hanging out with someone in a non-platonic way (and I guess he’ll do the same for me).
It has since occurred to me, though, that this is not practical. Sometimes, things happen spontaneously. Also, while I understand that The Doll wants an idea of what I get up to, I don’t like feeling controlled. He’s not the boss of me, nor do I consider him a “primary” relationship that I need to nurture above all others. In fact, anyone else I’m likely to canoodle with right now actually predates The Doll by a wide margin; it would feel kind of ridiculous to tell The Pedant (whom I like just as much as The Doll and have been seeing exponentially longer) that he can’t have a spur-of-the-moment visit because I’m obligated to give the new guy advance notice.
And I wouldn’t want The Doll to miss out on any spontaneous fun because of this problematic pact, either.
I barely know how to navigate polyamory myself sometimes, let alone how to guide a total noob through it, but after a lot of thinking I’ve come to the conclusion that the thing to do is find out why The Doll wanted that rule, and see if we can satisfy that underlying need directly instead of through this rule.
For instance, if The Doll is anxiously wondering how many other dudes I’m seeing/how often I see them/how likely it is that he’ll be usurped, and that’s why he asked me to tell him about each incident upfront, I’d be happy to give him a rundown of my situation and reassure him that he has a place in my life. Hopefully that would put him at ease and this stupid rule can go away.
I messaged him on FetLife, telling him the rule is beginning to seem impractical to me and sharing my idea of bypassing it by meeting his emotional needs some other way. I then asked him some questions about what the rule was meant to accomplish for him – this way I can get an idea of how to proceed.
He responded with a “placeholder” that he’ll have to think about my questions and get back to me later. His tone was neutral/unoffended.
So far, so good.