Bastardcat is driving me fucking crazy. He’s more clingy since Minx left, although I don’t think it’s that Bastardcat misses Minx and is sad, I think it’s that Bastardcat needs a fair bit of human attention and I’m now taking on the entire load instead of splitting it with someone else.
And it’s fine that he’s so snuggly. It really is. The problem is how he does it.
I spend a lot of time reclining. Often I’ll eat or surf the ‘net lying on my side, propped up on one elbow. And that’s when Bastardcat decides not only that he wants to be near me, but that he needs to be between me and my laptop or plate of food. He will not lie down against my legs or feet or back; he wants to lie against my chest, and he’ll pace back and forth on my nipples, food, or computer trying to find exactly the right spot. If I push him away, he comes back – again and again and again and again. After I’ve shoved him back fifty times or so, he gets the hint and decides to compromise – instead of lying between my chest and my plate/laptop, he lies a bit further down my body so that his head is suspended over my keyboard or plate. Which he then invariably sneezes on. Or sometimes I do let him lie between me and the laptop but then he’ll repeatedly headbutt my hand so that the simple act of clicking a link becomes a two-and-a-half minute struggle.
If I’m propped up in bed with the laptop on my pelvis, Bastardcat will want to curl up on my abdomen. I don’t actually mind this, most of the time, and can even keep on browsing/typing with him there (I know how to touch-type), except that usually he takes his sweet fucking time settling down. Like, I think he’d just stand on my tits indefinitely, surveying the room triumphantly like he’d just scaled a mountain, if I didn’t get impatient and sweep his legs out from under him. He used to stay down when I leg-swept him and we’d have a nice cuddle, but lately he gets irritated that I made him lie down before he was ready and he’ll stand back up again and start poking around on my torso, his anus mere inches from my open eye, trying to decide where he really wants to lie.
Some days, I’m cranky or stressed out and any kind of touch that isn’t actively pleasurable feels horribly jarring and invasive, so I don’t want to let Bastardcat climb onto my chest in the first place – I put my palm on his face, shove him away, and try to keep laptopping. But, as you might already have guessed, Bastardcat refuses to take the hint. I think he believes that if he moves in slow motion I won’t notice what he’s doing and he’ll be able to stand on my torso like he wants, so he steps up on me slooooooowly – most of his weight resting on a single paw that drills deep into the flesh of my breast or upper arm – and I push him off again. EIGHTY FUCKING TIMES.
He did the repeated-slow-motion-stepping thing a few minutes ago, actually – pressing his paw waaaaaay far down into my sore, swollen-to-bursting, premenstrual right boob over and over until I burst into tears, tossed him across the bed, and screamed “STOP! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST FUCKING STOP?!?!?” He looked startled at my outburst but came right back to step on my tit some more.
I just…I can’t. This is too fucking much. When I make the time to lavish my undivided attention on Bastardcat (because I do understand that giving him affection is just as much a vital part of his care as giving him food and water), 80% of the time he doesn’t want it and twists out of my grasp, I guess because he’s got other shit he wants to do. But when I have shit I want to do, he doesn’t give a flying fuck: it is absolutely imperative that he stomp around on my tits – refusing to lie down, thereby spreading his weight out over a much wider surface area than his four poky little paws – right now.
From what I can tell, Bastardcat is quite bright. So why can’t he understand that sometimes I need personal space?