Cat rant.

Bastardcat is driving me fucking crazy.  He’s more clingy since Minx left, although I don’t think it’s that Bastardcat misses Minx and is sad, I think it’s that Bastardcat needs a fair bit of human attention and I’m now taking on the entire load instead of splitting it with someone else.

And it’s fine that he’s so snuggly.  It really is.  The problem is how he does it.

I spend a lot of time reclining.  Often I’ll eat or surf the ‘net lying on my side, propped up on one elbow.  And that’s when Bastardcat decides not only that he wants to be near me, but that he needs to be between me and my laptop or plate of food.  He will not lie down against my legs or feet or back; he wants to lie against my chest, and he’ll pace back and forth on my nipples, food, or computer trying to find exactly the right spot.  If I push him away, he comes back – again and again and again and again.  After I’ve shoved him back fifty times or so, he gets the hint and decides to compromise – instead of lying between my chest and my plate/laptop, he lies a bit further down my body so that his head is suspended over my keyboard or plate.  Which he then invariably sneezes on.  Or sometimes I do let him lie between me and the laptop but then he’ll repeatedly headbutt my hand so that the simple act of clicking a link becomes a two-and-a-half minute struggle.

If I’m propped up in bed with the laptop on my pelvis, Bastardcat will want to curl up on my abdomen.  I don’t actually mind this, most of the time, and can even keep on browsing/typing with him there (I know how to touch-type), except that usually he takes his sweet fucking time settling down.  Like, I think he’d just stand on my tits indefinitely, surveying the room triumphantly like he’d just scaled a mountain, if I didn’t get impatient and sweep his legs out from under him.  He used to stay down when I leg-swept him and we’d have a nice cuddle, but lately he gets irritated that I made him lie down before he was ready and he’ll stand back up again and start poking around on my torso, his anus mere inches from my open eye, trying to decide where he really wants to lie.

Some days, I’m cranky or stressed out and any kind of touch that isn’t actively pleasurable feels horribly jarring and invasive, so I don’t want to let Bastardcat climb onto my chest in the first place – I put my palm on his face, shove him away, and try to keep laptopping.  But, as you might already have guessed, Bastardcat refuses to take the hint.  I think he believes that if he moves in slow motion I won’t notice what he’s doing and he’ll be able to stand on my torso like he wants, so he steps up on me slooooooowly – most of his weight resting on a single paw that drills deep into the flesh of my breast or upper arm – and I push him off again.  EIGHTY FUCKING TIMES.

He did the repeated-slow-motion-stepping thing a few minutes ago, actually – pressing his paw waaaaaay far down into my sore, swollen-to-bursting, premenstrual right boob over and over until I burst into tears, tossed him across the bed, and screamed “STOP!  WHY CAN’T YOU JUST FUCKING STOP?!?!?”  He looked startled at my outburst but came right back to step on my tit some more.

I just…I can’t.  This is too fucking much.  When I make the time to lavish my undivided attention on Bastardcat (because I do understand that giving him affection is just as much a vital part of his care as giving him food and water), 80% of the time he doesn’t want it and twists out of my grasp, I guess because he’s got other shit he wants to do.  But when have shit I want to do, he doesn’t give a flying fuck: it is absolutely imperative that he stomp around on my tits – refusing to lie down, thereby spreading his weight out over a much wider surface area than his four poky little paws – right now.

From what I can tell, Bastardcat is quite bright.  So why can’t he understand that sometimes I need personal space?

10 Comments

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10 responses to “Cat rant.

  1. Halberd

    Ah cats. Mine likes to bite when happy/snuggly, which would be less problematic if his teeth were not comically oversized to the point of sticking out of his mouth like a 12lb sabertooth. Thankfully he no longer sinks his teeth into my throat whilst I sleep.

    Have you tried a few minutes of excessively smothery cuddly pettings right when kitteh is insistently trampling? While it smacks of capitulation, I’ve found it’s often more time efficient with my beastie than dumping him off my keyboard 47 times in a row…

    • I totally wish I could see pictures of your cat and his oversized novelty teeth. 😀

      I’ve tried the smothery cuddles on Bastardcat but he quickly gets annoyed and twists out of my arms (only to immediately come back and bug me again). Maybe my mistake is in letting him go so easily. Maybe I should maintain a death grip on him and smooch his face until he wishes I was dead…

  2. Cats are often very bright, but still socially rather dumb. In comparison to humans and dogs, they’ve really only been social animals for a teenytiny portion of their existence on earth. Animal behaviorists see a lot of problems with cats, especially multiple cats, that amount to “ALL THE EMOTIONS, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT DO” gone really out of control. They just don’t have the communication, coping, or de-escalating detection and behavior that primates and canines do.

    Oh, that wasn’t actually helpful, was it? When I still had my own demanding cat, I often found that playing with him was a much easier sell than snuggling with him and gave him a lot more of what he actually needed from me at a pop. Feather onna string onna stick brought much joy to his life. But we still fought like bickering roommates over various things till the end of his life.

    • *Facepalm.* I keep forgetting that social skills and intelligence are two different things. That makes so much sense.

      And I totally have the “bickering roommates” thing with Bastardcat, too. 🙂

      I’ll try playing with him next time he’s stepping all over me, but I dunno…it really seems like he specifically wants teh snugglez and nothing else will do (it’ll be embarrassing if I’m wrong…).

      • Eep

        Ahh wee furballs, gotta love dm. I’ve got two, they pester me at times but eventually know when enough is enough. I dont have much advice but wondering if playing with em when youre gettimg pestered would be rewarding the behaviour? My husbands cat is a crabby bastard and attacks my inlaws (im not suggesting yours does) but to me they reinforce the negative behaviour by giving him treats just afterwards. Just my rambling thoughts for what they may be worth 🙂

        • I can see how paying attention to Bastardcat when he’s being a pest might teach him to be a pest even more. But the thing is, he needs playtime and cuddles and often I get too busy with life stuff to remember to give them to him – or else I try to give him play or cuddles but he’s not in the mood at that moment.

          So when he pesters me, I see it kind of like a toddler (who needs bathroom help) interrupting mommy’s phone call to say he has to pee – yes, he’s interrupting, yes, it sucks for mommy to have to stop what she’s doing and help, but it’s not a thing that should be ignored.

          I could be totally wrong, though. I’m still puzzling it out.

          • Eep

            yeah i see what you’re saying there too, its a tricky one really and i suppose time, experience and your own furrball will tell ya whats really the best solution 🙂

  3. jnakabb

    No longer have cats, but remember them to be aloof masters-of-the-universe who will go where they please and claim whatever body parts they wish to knead (preferably not eyeballs).

    Now a dog owner, so I sit up when I don’t want to be snuggled with (typing one-handed with dog sitting in my lap with his head draped over my arm). Oh yeah, I’ve got this owner/pet thing sussed.

    • Awwww, Bastardcat drapes himself over my arm a lot, too. 😀 The things we put up with, eh?

      • Yeah, when I had a cat he’d wedge himself into my lap whether I wanted him there or really had room for him or not, and now that I have exclusively big dogs, two out of the three shove their whole heads (which are about as big as the cat was) into my lap…

        Not much has changed, actually.

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