It’s okay now. I mean I’m still feeling a bit raw emotionally but the actual situation has been fixed.
Just to recap: I FetLife messaged The Doll asking him a question that pretty blatantly indicates I’m planning out the logistics of fucking him. Three days went by without a response – days during which I could see he was on FetLife multiple times, socializing with other people. And since I’ve had lots of guys vanish in the past without any notice – they would just ignore me until I gave up on them – I started to panic a bit, wondering if that’s what was happening here. I didn’t think he would bail on me in such a cruel fashion, but I didn’t know, and I couldn’t stand to wait around for a response any longer, so I prompted him by writing “…Did I offend?” and he responded fairly quickly to say no, he just got busy and the message slipped his mind but he would respond soon.
I waited, and in an hour he did finally answer my question (no, he doesn’t absolutely require fetishwear to be present during sexytimes – it just helps a lot).
So there we go – he hadn’t been trying to ditch me. Problem solved.
Except not really because I’d been freaking the fuck out for three days and The Doll had no idea – which meant that he might accidentally trigger similar freakouts again in the future. Also, just because I realized he wasn’t bailing on me, after all, doesn’t negate all those yucky anxious/angry feelings that have been churning around in my brain. It just yanked the rug out from under them, leaving me standing here all upset and not knowing what to do about it – not knowing how to dissipate those feelings. I felt too upset to just carry on our conversation like nothing had ever happened, but I didn’t feel I’d be justified in yelling at The Doll in order to vent, either.
I decided that I needed to put my cards on the table. I was afraid that in doing so I might come off like the archetypal “psycho chick” guys always talk about (“You didn’t write to me for three whole days! And I know you were on FetLife in that time! I saw you! You were on there an average of twice a day and you friended two people and joined a group and commented on five discussions when you should have been paying attention to meeeeeeeee!”)
But it was important to me that The Doll understand what had happened so he could avoid it happening again in future – or I guess dump me for being a neurotic stalking psycho, if that was in the cards. If he would really think that of me, better he should see that side now than later, right?
So after much consideration, I wrote him what I think was a very diplomatic message. I thanked him for the sex/kink info he’d given me, and said that just for the record, the last few days have been really rough for me because – from my perspective – I’d made myself really vulnerable by asking a sex question and then saw him sporadically puttering around on FetLife, friending people and contributing to group discussions but not answering me. And because I’ve had guys bail on me in the past by ignoring/avoiding me, this all gave me a reflexive response of OH GOD IT’S ALL HAPPENING AGAIN and I started mentally preparing myself for the idea that he might be on his way out. I assured him that I don’t feel he did anything wrong per se – I know he didn’t deliberately set out to upset me, and I realize he’s not obligated to answer my messages before he does anything else on the internet ever. But his longer-than-average radio silence had stirred up a lot of icky emotions for me and he would have to bear with me for a bit while I dealt with them.
I’m not gonna lie: I was hoping to hear an apology from him. Yes, even though he didn’t do anything wrong. Didn’t have to be a major self-flagellation, just an “I’m sorry the situation was hard for you” so that my feelings were acknowledged. But I was a little afraid he’d just go “Oh, okay, I’ll back off and you can resurface whenever you’re ready.” Perhaps I should have known better: he’s a smart boy who likes me a lot and is a veteran of therapy.
His response was that he’s sorry, he wasn’t thinking, and although he may not have done anything wrong he certainly didn’t do enough right. He explained his thought process (he’d wanted to think about his response to my question for a while before sending it to me), and said he realizes now that he should have at least sent me a note in the meantime. Then he apologized again, promised to do better in future, and thanked me for bringing the matter to his attention.
I literally cannot imagine a better response: not only did he acknowledge my feelings, he indicated that he wants me to feel secure and happy and will change his behaviour in order to facilitate this. And he let me know that it’s okay – good, in fact – that I came to him with my issue (so: I’m not a psycho bitch*). And all at once the festering stew of angst that had been distending my head drained away as if someone had pulled a plug. I had been under the assumption that nothing but time would dull the feelings I was having – that no matter what The Doll said to me, I’d just be pissed for a while and that was that. Apparently not – I just needed to feel cared for and supported.
The Doll: I think I’ll keep him.
*I firmly believe that “psycho bitch” is just a phrase men threaten women with to keep us in line…I’ve heard guys label women that because the women kept contacting them after they’d decided to do the break-up-by-avoidance thing – like some chick is gonna read your fuckin’ mind and know the exact second you’re done with her even though you didn’t say anything. So yeah, intellectually I know that the real meaning of “psycho bitch,” 99% of the time, is “woman who doesn’t take abuse” or “woman who doesn’t disappear the moment I’m done with her,” but I’m still afraid of being labelled that way. I still picture the guy I’m seeing laughing to his friends about what a psycho bitch I am because I made some simple request like “If you don’t want to see me anymore, please say so,” and cringe in embarrassment. I wish I could let those thoughts go, but it’s hard.