Doll drama

I asked The Doll that question about his sexual needs on Saturday.  It is now Tuesday and he’s been on FetLife numerous times puttering around in the discussion groups but he still hasn’t responded to my message.

I’m not being paranoid or overthinky this time.  Something.  Is.  Motherfucking.  Up.  But I don’t know what it could be.  The Doll has always been very straightforward in talking about his kinks, so what’s the holdup now?

My initial thoughts are that either:

-He is indeed a virgin so the mention of sex freaked him out, or

-He does need fetishwear present in order to get it up for sex (or he’s incapable of getting it up at all, for whatever reason) and he assumes this will be a dealbreaker for me and he’s freaking out

As time goes on, I’m also beginning to wonder if his silence has nothing to do with my question and rather is related to our nonmonogamy agreement (and perhaps jealousy at the fact that I saw The Pedant on Sunday).  During this 3-day silence of his he’s “friended”  two people and joined one new discussion group (not things he does on a regular basis, at all) – which would seem to indicate that he’s really into meeting new people and making new connections right now.  Maybe it’s finally sunk in that I probably got some action from someone else recently and he feels the need to “even the score” or maybe our nonmonogamy thing just feels liberating and he’s on a big “talking to new people” binge right now just because he can and in all the fun flirty action he plum forgot to respond to me.

AW GODDAMMIT I JUST CHECKED FETLIFE AND HE WAS ON TWENTY MINUTES AGO BUT STILL NO REPLY TO MY MESSAGE.

I was going to try to leave it for another day or so to give The Doll ample time to process his thoughts and come to me on his own without feeling pressured.   But he’s had…let’s see here…twelve updates to his feed since I wrote to him last – twelve times that he either contributed to a discussion group or commented on someone’s picture or “friended” someone or joined a group – all while I was sitting here twiddling my thumbs with my big vulnerable sex-question hanging out.  It’s starting to feel deliberately cruel.  So I just wrote “…Did I offend…?”

If I see him on FetLife one more time without him responding to me, I’m gonna –

Oh, look, he’s written back already.  He says he’s been so busy visiting people and running errands [editor’s note: and puttering around on FetLife while totally ignoring me] that replying to me “slipped his mind,” but he’ll write a proper response soon.  I’m not sure I buy his excuse, but the fact that he replied so quickly (like, not even writing out a ten-minute response but whipping out a quick placeholder to ease my mind ASAP) would seem to indicate that he doesn’t want to worry me or piss me off (too late).

So here’s how I see the situation: on one hand, I’ve had guys bail on me many times for no discernible reason so long silences freak me out; also, I feel like the question I asked him made it clear I’ve been thinking of fucking him and therefore my feelings were hanging in the balance.  On the other hand, The Doll doesn’t know about my abandonment baggage, I never specifically set any expectations with him re: frequency of contact, and a person has a right to do their internetting in whatever order they want – I mean it’s not a universally acknowledged rule that nobody’s allowed to browse the interwebs until they’ve replied to everything in their inbox.  Also, maybe I worded my question to him so casually (or he’s such a dork) that it didn’t occur to him that I’d be feeling vulnerable.

Conclusion: The Doll hasn’t done anything wrong per se, but I’m still totally, utterly pissed off and I don’t know how to make those feelings go away.  Also, still not really believing that he forgot to write me back.  When the first romantic partner you’ve ever had indicates that they’re thinking of having sex with you in the near future and asks how kinky you need said sex to be, that’s not a thing that just slips your mind.  Is it?

7 Comments

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7 responses to “Doll drama

  1. Maybe it’s just a really hard question for him to answer, for whatever reasons, and he’s putting it off so he can give a well-thought-out answer. And I’d guess that he really probably doesn’t realize how much you’re hanging on his response.

  2. For the record, I do this ALL THE TIME. Why? As Unrepentant said, there is ‘puttering about’ and there is ‘thinking about something more important and responding appropriately’.

    I often send place-holder emails, “I’m thinking about this, and I’ll get back to you when I have had a chance to put my thoughts together.” In the meantime, my internet presence is all over twitter and FL, and I may even IM chat with that same person or answer silly emails from that same person because that requires none of that same energy.

    Serious emails require space, contemplation and time to respond to. Try not to sweat it. And if you NEED that place-holder so that you can relax, tell him so: “When I send you serious emails, can you just let me know that you got it, and you are thinking about it.” I’d guess that his ‘forgot’ is a clumsy way of putting it, but watching you worry and fret about it is *so stressful* and I’m not even you!!!

    Best, Ferns

    • Juuuuulia

      Yarr, indeed I think, for optimal results, expressing the need for a placeholder email should happen before one is super-pissed. 😀

    • I have no problem at all with someone taking a while to think of their response – as long as they tell me that’s what they’re doing! Transparency is key. I think The Doll knows this now.

  3. I agree with the above two comments – when someone asks me a question that I need to put significant effort into answering, especially if it’s something I’m anxious about, I tend to want to put it off for a time I feel up to doing that particular kind of mental work. But, I’m not used to people recognizing those kinds of emotional needs, and also I usually spent the whole time feeling guilty (“they’re probably getting so annoyed at me, I’m being an awful person”), that if someone asked me, I might respond similarly. (Of course, I don’t know if this is the case, and either way on your end it also make absolute sense to be upset an annoyed).
    I hope things work out all right.

    • and also I usually spent the whole time feeling guilty (“they’re probably getting so annoyed at me, I’m being an awful person”)

      As long as you actually tell people you need time, you shouldn’t feel guilty at all! It’s better to give someone a considered answer than to dash off something that may or may not be true just for the sake of being prompt. If anything, taking time to think shows respect for the other person that you take their question so seriously.

      Anyone who would get pissy because you said “Hmmm. Let me take a while to think about that” is a buttmunch. I mean, as long as you actually said that and didn’t just disappear into thin air, which I obviously am not a fan of. 😛

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