Went over to The Doll’s place for a while last night. I think I’m still trying to hurry up and pigeonhole him into a role – boyfriend? FWB? What is he? – and therefore have a hard time just enjoying his company without analyzing every little thing. Like, we still frequently have awkward silences in our conversations and I find myself trying to brainstorm a fix: maybe certain kinds of topics would flow better and I should try to steer the conversation there? Maybe we need to interact with other people together and that would give us more common ground? Or watch more DVDs together in order to give us a “discussion topic”? Maybe the stiltedness is a sign that we’re not cut out for each other and I’m being stupid and should just end it?
But I do like him, and there are lots of good things about our time together. And we’ve both agreed that we’re just hanging out and exploring where it might go, no pressure. So I’m endeavouring to shut my stupid brain up and try to go with the flow.
We managed to have some good (if awkward) talks last night, in-between our go-to conversational gambit of describing the plots of movies and tv shows we enjoy. I brought up the topic of nonmonogamy and asked how much disclosure he’d want if I spent time with someone else in a nonplatonic way. He said he’d like to know ahead of time (which I realize in retrospect kinda precludes spontaneous makeouts with anyone, so I’ll have to address that at some point…but I don’t see any opportunities for spontaneous makeouts on the horizon anyway so it’s not urgent). I told The Doll I’m glad he wants to be informed about stuff because the whole “You can do what you want as long as I don’t have the slightest inkling you’re doing it” thing doesn’t really feel like polyamory to me. And I also said that I’ve known poly folks who seemed to be in a big loving network of people who all knew and liked each other, and I think that’s beautiful and hope to have that someday – and obviously it can’t happen if none of my people know about any of the other ones.
I told The Doll I’d be hanging out with a boy on Sunday [The Pedant, although I didn’t use his name or go into details] and he said “Okay” in kind of an awkward tone. I kind of wanted to ask about that tone/try to troubleshoot/put his mind at ease, but I wasn’t sure how – and anyway, if he’s feeling insecure it should be his job to voice it, not mine to dig for information (I’ve already done way too much of that with Minx) so I let it go. Baby steps for now: as much as I would have loved it if The Doll had said “Oh, really? What’s his name? What is he like? How do you know him? Have fun on Sunday!” I know that’s probably a bit advanced for him. I’m thinking (hoping) the weirdness will lift a bit when The Doll sees me next and my behaviour toward him hasn’t changed. I would imagine he needs to see for himself that I can have fun with someone else without it taking away from…whatever it is he and I have.
Speaking of nonmonogamy, The Doll told me he had an epiphany that he has several friends* he’d like to be intimate with if they were up for it (but he knows they’re not). I’m about 95% sure the “epiphany” there was that it’s possible to like more than one person at a time, but I stupidly (and uncharacteristically) didn’t ask clarifying questions so I don’t know for sure. Something about him just throws me off my game…it’s like his awkwardness is contagious.
I brought up whole “hasn’t dated anyone before” thing – I told him that I briefly wondered whether his inexperience would be problematic but decided that it probably wouldn’t, and might in some ways be an advantage…but I had a nagging paranoia that maybe he only likes me because I’m a girl who’s paying attention to him, and not for anything about me specifically. That’s the terrible downside of being the initiator: there’s always a chance the guy I’m wooing isn’t that into me but figures “Wow, this girl practically landed in my lap! I bet I’ll get laid.”
I hadn’t been fishing for compliments (seriously!) – a headshake, a smile, and a “No, I like you. Specifically.” would have been enough. But The Doll proceeded to list the things that attract him to me: similar sense of humour, some overlapping interests, he’s crazy attracted to me because I have actual muscle and am not a scrawny little waif**…he says my smile seems somehow more genuine than most other people’s and is totally adorable. 😀 I told him I hadn’t been compliment fishin’ but it was still really, really nice to hear all of that, so thank you. Oh, and at some point in the conversation he mentioned that he had a long time where he avoided dating on purpose because he knew he needed to work on himself first, which I totally understand and admire (and said so). I also told him that I thought all the “working on himself” and the not-dating led to him having a really stable personality and strong sense of self – I can feel it in him and it’s tremendously attractive.
We talked some more about what areas of D/s appeal to him, and boy does it seem like we line up – he likes the idea of domestic service like housework and giving massages, and he likes the idea of being told what to wear (as in, being forced to be eye candy for his dominant. Speaking of which, when are those panties I ordered going to get here?!?). He likes the idea of being sexually objectified and used, like his dominant abruptly saying “sex now” and just throwing him down whenever.
When I asked how he wanted being dominated to make him feel, he had to think about it a while. Eventually he said he wants to feel like a “useful tool” and that he wants to feel like a dominant “cares enough to take him,” if that makes any sense to me (it does). But he wants to think about things some more and maybe add to that answer later.
I asked him to tell me more about his experiences giving fellatio, and rather than asking me “ummm what do you want to know?” he just launched right into a synopsis. It was…pretty crazy hot. The Doll’s profile on FetLife identifies him as “heteroflexible,” which in my mind means “straight but not averse to clothed, brief same-sex makeouts on occasion, if the person was really cute.” The Doll must define it slightly differently because one of his blowjob stories involved him kissing his way down a dude’s body (including some nipple licking/sucking) before sucking him off. Knowing what I know of The Doll, I had assumed his fellatio stories would all involve him being a passive object (and indeed, he does have a story of being tied up, blindfolded, and facefucked) so imagine my surprise at hearing this surprisingly vanilla foreplay story! To me, that sounds a lot closer to “bisexual” than “heteroflexible” but I won’t quibble over semantics.
After a few hours of hanging out and talking and him giving me a shoulder rub (no kissing, not even a hello smooch when I first arrived) I decided to initiate some stuff. Lately I seem to veer wildly between being a huge horndog and having a whistling void where all my sexual feelings used to be, and to be honest at that moment I was standing at the edge of the whistling void and not feeling super-attracted to The Doll per se, but I thought maybe our slight awkwardness could be dispelled through physical stuff and hey, I knew I’d enjoyed it with him before…
So at a point where we were both standing in his living room (he’d just shown me something in the kitchen and we were slowly meandering back to the couch) I grabbed a clump of his t-shirt in my fist and gently but firmly pulled him toward me. He had just taken a breath to start a new conversational topic, but didn’t seem to mind getting waylaid. 🙂
The makeouts were as good as ever, but I couldn’t shake my feeling of distance. I went through the motions but didn’t get turned on (or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I got turned on in my head but my crotch wasn’t in on it). It was still fun, after a fashion. I backed The Doll up against the wall and kind of pinned him there by the shoulders, which he seemed to enjoy. And (maybe partly because I felt guilty for feeling so distant so I was overcompensating) I took off my shirt so The Doll could caress more of my skin. My crotch may have been dead but my torso sure wasn’t – his fingers felt wonderful and in no time I was in my happy place, purring and moaning and biting him and losing my powers of speech. So that was good.
The Doll followed my lead and removed his shirt when I removed mine (I did not specifically want this, having only thought as far ahead as “I want him to run his fingers over my back now and my shirt is in the way,” but I didn’t object either so I let it stand). It’s not the first time he’s been shirtless in my presence, but it’s the first time I’ve taken a good look at him (the time he changed for the play party in front of me, I was going through all kinds of emotional gymnastics and too distracted to ogle much). First impression: oh my god his hips and waist are so narrow – that’s fucking hot. Second impression: we need to do something about the hair. The Doll’s back and shoulders are heavily sprinkled with long wiry hairs, and I found it really offputting. Especially when I bit him and one or more of them came off in my teeth and had to be fished out of my mouth.
It’s weird because The Doll knows I prefer my boys hairless and had (as evidenced by the stubble) shaved his chest, armpits, and even his arms not long before. How does he not notice his long, weedy shoulder-fur? I could see him not realizing about the back hairs, but the shoulder ones would be clearly visible in the mirror. At any rate, I opted not to mention it at that exact moment but I will suggest in the near future that he let me tweeze him. I think he’ll say yes.
Anyway, back to the makeouts…I think my arousal response was a little “off” because I don’t quite trust him. He’s given me no reason to distrust him, mind you – I’m just paranoid and messed up. Like, in between kisses he told me I was beautiful and I suddenly started wondering if he was bullshitting me (beautiful? With this potato nose of mine? Yeah, right.). He told me I was strong and I know that that’s not true so it kind of took me out of the moment. We had talked once about The Doll’s interest in being overpowered/wrestled to the ground and “forced” into sex, and I had replied that I was down with that but he’d probably have to let me win since my upper body strength isn’t the greatest, and now, during makeouts, I was wondering whether he remembered that conversation and was humouring me – engaging in some amazon roleplay just to make me feel good. I can see in theory how doing that could be a lovely, supportive, GGG thing, but I can’t feel that way about it, myself. I just feel condescended to.
Soooooo I guess I have some self-esteem and trust issues to work on.
At length, the makeouts wound to a close of their own accord. I put my shirt back on (it was freezing in his apartment!) and we talked on the couch some more. After a few minutes, the still-topless Doll got up to fetch his shirt from the floor and I said “No shirt for you. If you’re cold, I’ll warm you up.” He seemed pleased to be bossed around in this way, and immediately dropped his t-shirt back on the floor and came and snuggled with me while we continued talking.
That, I think, was when he told me that he avoided dating on purpose for a bunch of years because he knew he had to straighten his life out first. He told me about feeling stuck in a dead-end job but not knowing what else he could do because he didn’t feel like he was good at anything. Then he realized he was decent at writing, and (after struggling with his anxiety for ages) eventually got around to proposing some story ideas to an online magazine, and instead of laughing at him as he’d feared, they accepted three of them. And that’s how, for the first time in his life, The Doll got a paycheque for doing something he truly loved.
And then The Doll added “great, now I’m crying” (which I seriously hadn’t realized – how do guys cry so stealthily? My whole body heaves) and I kind of love that he’s in touch with his emotions/comfortable enough with me/etc. to get weepy like that. I stroked his head and arms and comforted him (not by shushing him – which I think is a bullshit way to handle someone crying – but by whispering “it’s okay.”) After a little while he got up to blow his nose and then came back and curled up with his head in my lap. He often seems to express his submission by getting his head lower than mine – either by stooping when he hugs me or lying in my lap or kneeling next to wherever I’m sitting. This is not a thing that would have occurred to me to ask of a sub, but when he does it my heart grows three sizes like The Grinch’s when he realizes that Christmas can’t be bought in a store.
Not too long after that, we realized it was almost 1am (far past The Doll’s usual bedtime) and I went home.
My interactions with this boy are so up-and-down…the talking part is a mix of awkwardness and incredible sweetness and openness while the physical part vacillates between crazy intense and “Ugh his body seems so alien to me and does he even mean the hot things he says?”
I’m sure the inconsistency here is coming from me and my fucked up post-breakup emotions, not anything The Doll is doing. The part that really scares me is that my brain – in its fragile rebound state – might actually be manufacturing the good parts, not the iffy ones. So it’s entirely possible that once I get myself straightened out, I’ll look at The Doll and think “What did I see in him?!?” – it wouldn’t be the first time that happened with an unfortunately timed relationship.
I mean, I hope I can keep things with The Doll on track. But I don’t know.
*Not all of them women. 😀
**I’m not muscular, though. I’d like to be, but I’m just…not. So I don’t know whether The Doll has a skewed idea of what an in-shape chick looks like, or if he was just diplomatically avoiding calling me “meaty” or “robust” or other questionably flattering things.