Some thoughts about relationship inexperience

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about The Doll’s confession that he’s never had a girlfriend, and I’ve realized that yeah, that might be problematic for us, but it might not.

We live in a society that strongly encourages us to get our sense of self-worth through romantic love.  Some people take this to heart, and if for whatever reason they’ve never been in a relationship they take it as proof positive that they’re total losers and get terribly bitter and fucked up (*cough*NICEGUYS<tm>*cough).  But then there’s another faction of people who – after an unusually long time being single – get used to it and find other ways to make their lives worthwhile.  And then they extrapolate that since they have friends and fulfilling careers and go on lots of fun adventures, they’re clearly not losers by any stretch of the imagination.  They also develop a really strong sense of self because they haven’t spent most of their adult lives trying to conform to the expectations of a significant other.  I have actually known (or at least heard of) people like that.  They do exist.

I would imagine that someone from the “loser” camp would cling on to their first relationship for dear life because they feel it’s the only thing keeping their self-esteem afloat.  Someone from the “alone but secure” camp would probably be *sad* at the idea of losing their first relationship, but not *terrified* of it – they’ve gotten by just fine up til now, after all – and so there’s not actually much danger of fucking them up.  They’ll defend their boundaries in a relationship and would be willing to leave if things turn sour (or this is my theory).

I think The Doll is in the second camp.  Certainly he’s not bitter or entitled like a NiceGuy<tm>, and although he seems enthusiastic about me, I don’t think I sense desperation in him.  His life as a single person seems pretty rock-solid: he has wonderful friends, hobbies he’s passionate about, and although I haven’t asked him what he wants in a relationship, I’ve asked him about what he wants as a sub and he was more direct, specific, and unapologetic about his interests and limits than pretty much any other sub I’ve ever spoken to.

Also, as one of my commenters recently mentioned, no prior relationships means no relationship baggage.  Plus maybe his blank slate quality will make him adjust to polyamory more easily than if he’d been a serial monogamist all these years.

I’m not saying The Doll’s lack of relationship experience is definitely for sure going to be awesome and not at all problematic.  I’m just saying…it might not affect things much.  Or there might even be some perks.  At any rate I’m not going to let his history (or lack thereof) keep me from going forward.

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