Looking back on this blog, I started complaining about my wonky libido in September of 2010 – five or six months after Minx moved in with me – and it remained wonky for the duration of our relationship. I began to assume in fact that my libido wasn’t having a random fluctuation at all, but a natural and permanent drop due to age or who knows what. It seemed like a pretty safe assumption, since the situation had been going on for over a year.
But The Doll seems to have brought my libido back. It’s a little bit tentative right now, but slowly increasing as I begin to trust him (to trust that he won’t suddenly disappear from my life, and to trust that he’ll give me space to explore our chemistry at my own pace instead of pushing for sex). I’ve started feeling clitoral tingles while we make out. I’ve gotten myself off to thoughts of him a bunch of times now. I daydream about him and suddenly realize I’ve gotten wet. Even when I’m focused on something else, my libido thrums in the background the way a power generator thrums in the basement of a building – a sound and subtle vibration so constant I stop noticing it.
But my sex drive isn’t solely focused on The Doll – now that he’s woken it up, it’s overflowing and splashing all over anyone who comes near me, or so it seems. I’m compulsively browsing and commenting on people’s hot FetLife pictures. I’m entertaining brief fantasies of what I’d do to the people in the pictures if they were here right now. I’m eager to hang out with The Pedant sometime soon. I had sexy dreams about my friend Link last night.
It’s really, really good. I feel whole again.
The depressing part is realizing that it was very probably something about Minx that shut me down in the first place.
Was my subconscious aware that the relationship was ultimately doomed, and trying to send me danger-get-out signals? Or did I just shut down because, contrary to what I’d been telling myself, Minx and I really weren’t all that sexually compatible?
I don’t know. But I feel like I wasted a lot of time.