I’ve believed for a long time now that the universe brings us what we ask for. Let’s examine how that manifests itself with The Doll, shall we?
First off, there are a few things I responded to on a conscious level: his profile stated his age (37, which sounded good to me; I sometimes wonder whether Minx’s and my relationship issues stemmed partly from him being so young), his writing showed him to be very smart/analytical/a fastidious speller/all that good stuff, and I saw from his pictures that he’s cute. Also, his profile specified that he was just looking for friends at first, with the potential for things to develop into something more, which is why I felt comfortable contacting him right when I was breaking up with Minx; he seemed like he wouldn’t move too fast or try to push me into some huge capital-R Relationship right away.
But The Doll has some other qualities that I could not possibly have gleaned from his profile; qualities that are slowly coming to light as I get to know him better, and which are in fact exactly what I need right now.
He’s had anxiety disorders and anger issues, but conquered them.
With Minx, I often felt like a grownup sharing my superior self-awareness skills and life experience with a child – including trying to patiently deal with his tantrums. It was fucking exhausting. The Doll, by contrast, just happens to be slightly more advanced than I am in the two areas I most need to work on in myself – anxiety and anger. I can be the one learning for a change! Also, Minx had no patience for my anxiety (in spite of, or maybe because of, suffering from it himself) but The Doll is incredibly sweet and empathetic and willing to help. I don’t know yet whether he’ll be as good with my infrequent bursts of temper; let’s hope so.
Plus, as I’ve mentioned before, both Minx and my ex-husband refused to go to therapy when I begged them to, but The Doll went voluntarily for years. It speaks well of him that he saw some issues with his personality and took steps to fix them without anyone else having to push him into it.
He’s comfortable with who he is.
There are very few personality traits I find more attractive than quiet self-confidence, and The Doll has it. When I ask him things about his kinks, his now-mostly-vanquished anxiety issues, his BDSM experiences, etc., he answers me in a perfectly matter-of-fact manner. No embarrassment or defensiveness, and no bravado either; he’s not out to shock anyone.
He’s moving at a perfect pace.
I’m kinda flighty and flinchy right now; if The Doll seemed hell-bent on marrying me, or insisted on modelling his fetish clothes for me on the first date, it would’ve freaked me out. Slow and steady is what will win this race for me, and The Doll seems to instinctively understand that (or maybe slow and steady is just what he happens to need right now, too). He’s maintaining a nice balance between the emotional and physical sides of our interaction (read: we spend approximately equal amounts of time talking and making out, and it feels like he’s taking steps to keep it that way).
He is a steady and reassuring presence.
So far, The Doll and I haven’t really given a name to what we’re doing; I mean we haven’t had any big Where Is This Going talk. We seem to both just be in “I enjoy your company so let’s just keep on hanging out without labelling things” mode. Typically, when I’m in that kind of situation with a guy, he seems to dismiss it as “casual” and therefore assume he has license to fall out of touch for days or weeks on end, show up late for our dates, etc. But The Doll keeps in regular contact with me, speaks as though he assumes we’ll still be seeing each other a while from now (and has lent me a bunch of books!), and is meticulously punctual. He’s never given me any (legitimate) cause to worry or wonder what’s up with him, which is good because I just got out of a tumultuous relationship and I’m goddamn sick of mooning around over some boy, agonizing over what’s on his mind and what our future might hold*.
His FetLife profile labels him a “kinkster” and mostly talks about his interest in latex and role-play. I did not know ahead of time that The Doll would be into submission, let alone that we’d be so compatible in the things that we like. In addition to both of us enjoying it when I grab him/bite him/pull his hair, we had a talk about what other kinds of pain might be fun – and what words/nicknames/etc. do and don’t turn us on – and it all matches up quite well.
No, seriously, this boy is submissive.
I hesitate to use the phrase “true sub” because I know most folks use it to mean “someone who’s into exactly what I’m into, and anyone who’s not isn’t a submissive at all so nyah nyah” and that’s bullshit. Nonetheless: submission, at its root, is about submitting – letting someone else make the decisions. I opine, therefore, that a partner who won’t relinquish control to me is not a submissive – not even if he wears black shiny clothes and wants to be beaten and called names and worship my feet and blah blah blah.
I’ve played with a fair number of people who called themselves submissives but constantly tried to second-guess me or push our play in a direction I didn’t want. It felt like we were engaged in a constant battle of wills. But The Doll – dare I say it – seems like he may truly be submissive: I do what I want (from the pool of mutually enjoyable things we’d discussed beforehand) and he enjoys it without trying to guide or push. And it’s so fucking good.
He’s eager to please.
Possibly this is a subset of his submission, but yeah. This is a boy who read a post I made on FetLife about preferring hairless boys, and asked me if he should shave off his arm-fur. I said it’s his body and I wouldn’t presume to tell him what to do with it; he should do whatever he wants. He replied “what I want is to be attractive to you.” *Implodes with joy.*
I would enjoy his level of attentiveness at any time, but it’s especially healing right now, after exiting a relationship where I felt taken for granted. Oh, and speaking of eagerness to please and being the polar opposite of Minx:
He hears what I tell him the first time.
I don’t feel I’m at a stage where I can blatantly order The Doll around just yet, so it’s not like I’ve given him any instructions to follow. No, The Doll does something better than following explicit instructions: he’s picked up on stuff I said just in passing and used it to be a better companion to me, like when he brought over a sugar-free, caffeine-free beverage for me on our movie night because he thought I might like something yummy to drink and knew I don’t like being high on stimulants.
Apparently Minx’s ADD issues bothered me more than I’d ever realized because every time The Doll retains any information at all, I could just about cry with happiness and relief. I mean if I ask The Doll to pass the salt and he does it right away instead of saying okay but then totally forgetting, that pretty much blows my mind. THE BAR IS REALLY LOW HERE, FOLKS.
He’s open to being poly.
…Those are all the things I can think of for now, but it seems like pretty good evidence that the universe put him in my path for a reason, yes?
I’m not sure where things with The Doll will end up going; to an extent I almost feel like I’m jinxing it just by writing this . But I know this much: even if The Doll exited my life tomorrow, I’d still have benefited from knowing him. Just realizing there are people out there with his good qualities is an amazing thing.
*Sometimes I do this anyway out of force of habit, but I’m trying to stop.