I agreed to go to a kink event with The Doll this Friday.  I’d thought it was a munch, but it turns out it’s a play party (the FetLife event page for this thing was kind of ambiguous in its description so I guess I saw what I wanted to see).  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-play party.  I’ve just never been to one and I’m really nervous.  My social anxiety nearly made me shit myself just going to a munch – this is going to be like that but with possible nudity and D/s going on around me.  Eep!

Also, one of The Doll’s rubber fetishist friends will be there and The Doll asked me permission to play with him that night.  I’m fine with that, and indeed I hope to watch.  I just hope it doesn’t happen until after we’ve been there a while and I’ve gotten used to the venue and the atmosphere a bit.

I have to say, so far I’m not getting much of a handle on The Doll’s kink headspace at all.  His kinks don’t seem as tied to sex as mine are for me, in that he’ll play with men (and doesn’t identify as bi).  He says he’s only into the idea of pain in a punishment context, and not into fear at all…when I described things I’ve done with subs before (usually blindfolding them and doing random combinations of sexy and ouchy things to their bodies), he didn’t seem to dig it.  I know he’s into role-play, especially medical or mad scientist type scenes, and he speaks very fondly of being strapped securely to tables, but what happens once he’s strapped down? What sort of “experiment” would a mad scientist inflict on him without involving pain or fear, a friggin’ cookie taste-test?  I just don’t get it.  So watching The Doll with someone else might help things “click” for me.

In some ways I feel like the whole play party thing is moving a bit too fast.  I haven’t even seen The Doll in latex yet, but since this is a play party he’ll be all decked out.  And we’re heading over together, so I’ll be on public transit with him all decked out (which adds anxiety for me because I worry people will harass us.  Although, knock on wood, nobody particularly harassed Minx and I when we’d be out someplace with him dressed in slutty chick clothes, so we’ll probably be fine).

And I have to confess that I’d hoped the first time I saw The Doll in latex, I’d get to pick the outfit.  I don’t have a latex fetish; I just have a powerful attraction to goth boys (and boys dressed like goth girls).  Some of The Doll’s fetish wardrobe dovetails with my aesthetic tastes (hellooooo, shiny black skintight pants!), but a lot of it does not, and it sounds like he’ll be wearing an outfit from the second camp on Friday.

Also (oh god…I feel like a shithead for even thinking this…) the thought of The Doll in fetish gear gives me a bit of cognitive dissonance.  In my world, tight shiny black clothes are typically seen on young, paralyzingly beautiful goths in full makeup.  And The Doll is totally cute and everything, but he’s…my age.  With mousy-brown hair and a seriously receding hairline.  And facial features that makeup would probably render ridiculous, not androgynous.  

What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to think The Doll looks silly in fetishwear, but it could happen – and that is why I don’t like that my first exposure to this side of him will be so sudden and public, and in an outfit I didn’t choose.  I guess I figured if we played dress-up in private and incorporated sexytimes, I’d eventually condition myself, Pavlov style, to dig the sight of him in latex – even the items that don’t inherently push my buttons.  But nope, his latex debut for me will be on public transit.  Yikes.

Well, I made these plans weeks ago and I’m not gonna turn back now.  I am curious to see what a play party is like, and The Doll is a good person to go with.  I hope it’s fun.  And I hope his play partner actually shows up, because I seriously wanna see that. 😀



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11 responses to “*Gulp*

  1. mtwrtvw

    could you tell him what kind of clothes you prefer? maybe detailing a bit the background of anxiety, so it won’t sound policing. Just talking about wat is sexy for you and that with the situation being a bit overwhelming, you’d like to have a point of security in his beauty understandable to you (as opposed of the kind of stuff you can condition yourself into, but t would tae effort)? I don’t now how to formulate it without giving away too much of the Insecurities tough.

    also, what about getting in his place and assist with the clothing, makeup etc? It could be funny, preparing for going out together could be a nice bonding experience, he would probably let you influence a bit his clothing choices, and even if you are not femme-y, you might have some expertise in makeup that would make you genuinely useful (I know that if he’s ben into that for long, he might have the same level of expertise or more, but it;s always good to have one more pair of eyes).

    Then instead of public transit, you could see him first at his home, in a nice atmosphere.

    good uck!

    • Good suggestions, thank you. 🙂

      We’ve decided that he’ll change here, which I like better than meeting him at the nearest transit stop in full regalia. I feel like I control the transformation a bit more. He’s already decided on what he wants to wear, and most of it is stuff he’s just bought and hasn’t had a chance to show off yet, so I don’t want to tell him he can’t wear it.

      Having said that, the stated outfit has a fairly good chance of appealing to me (it is mostly tight and black. 🙂 ). I haven’t asked if he’s planning on going full femme, but if so, I am in fact excellent with makeup and it would be awesome fun to help him with that. While straddling his lap, of course – is there any other way?

      And I’m going to tell him some things he can to do help alleviate my anxiety at the event. He seems like the kind of person who would be understanding about this sort of thing.

  2. I’ve been to small play parties where I’ve had at least a passing acquaintance with everyone there, to clubs, to bigger parties and even to a couple of large conventions. They’ve all been pretty much alike as far as the people go, it’s just the scale that’s different. In my experience people were nice, friendly, but reserved and very aware of giving people their space, not touching, that kind of thing. There’s usually some kind of area away from the playing and naked flesh so you don’t have to be confronted with it every moment you’re there. I’ve got the social anxiety thing going on too, and I found it really easy to just fade into the background when that’s what I needed to do. In my experience everyone (with the rare exception now and then) was very respectful.

    I actually like parties better than munches because you aren’t stuck at a table feeling forced to talk to people. You can just wander around and take it all in at your own pace, take breaks as you need, etc. Plus they’re private — after going to a munch at a Cracker Barrel (lol) which included two exhibitionist, activist lesbians who found it necessary to scandalize the natives, I much prefer parties to munches.

    Has he specifically said he will be dressed before getting there? Latex is a bitch to get into all by yourself and you have to be really careful with temperature control with that stuff. You can overheat, start sweating and end up freezing cold in a split second if you’re not careful. He may be planning to get dressed up when he gets there. Hell, he might even need some help which could be plenty fun.

    • The current plan is for him to get changed at my place and then we’ll leave together. I’m not against helping him into his clothes, although he likely won’t need it – he’s wearing a blouse, a corset, and a hobble skirt that zips all the way up the front, so everything essentially splits in half.

      Your description of play parties is very reassuring, thank you. 🙂 And yeah, I fucking hate people who play let’s-shock-the-vanillas – my first munch had someone like that, too, and I was not pleased to be used as a pawn in her little games.

      I’m so curious to watch The Doll play with his guy friend – I hope that works out!

  3. I think you should invite him to get dressed for the party at your place. Have him bring three different outfits, then tell him that you’re going to pick the one he’ll wear to the party. Make it fun and/or sexy. Everybody wins.

    • He actually has asked if he can get changed here, and I’ve said yes. But I’m not sure we’re in a place yet where I can be telling him what to wear (he may be submissive but he’s not my submissive just yet). Also, he specifically told me what he plans to wear so I’d assume he’s pretty gung ho for that particular outfit. Most of the items are things he just ordered, so of course he’s eager to take ’em for a spin!

      I plan on having the “so are we good if I start telling you what to do?” conversation very soon. I just haven’t gotten there yet. 🙂

      His planned outfit does sound like something I’d mostly like, btw. I think the control freak in me is just overwhelmed by there being too many random factors going on with this evening.

  4. I didn’t realize he’s already picked something specific. Oh well. I was imagining that you could ask him if he’d let you pick the outfit, just as a fun thing, not necessarily an “I’m your dom now” thing.

    Also, if you haven’t yet, I do think you should let him know that you’re feeling anxious about the evening, so he isn’t unpleasantly surprised if you get overwhelmed at the party, and so he can help you feel more at ease.

    • When he’s here getting ready I’m gonna tell him what I need from him, anxiety-wise. He knows I suffer from various anxiety issues and also has some himself (or used to – he seems to have overcome them) so I think he’ll be sympathetic and amenable. On the off chance that he’s not, that’ll be a pretty huge red flag so I might as well know now.

  5. The suspense is killing me! AGH! How did it go? 😀

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