I agreed to go to a kink event with The Doll this Friday. I’d thought it was a munch, but it turns out it’s a play party (the FetLife event page for this thing was kind of ambiguous in its description so I guess I saw what I wanted to see). Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-play party. I’ve just never been to one and I’m really nervous. My social anxiety nearly made me shit myself just going to a munch – this is going to be like that but with possible nudity and D/s going on around me. Eep!
Also, one of The Doll’s rubber fetishist friends will be there and The Doll asked me permission to play with him that night. I’m fine with that, and indeed I hope to watch. I just hope it doesn’t happen until after we’ve been there a while and I’ve gotten used to the venue and the atmosphere a bit.
I have to say, so far I’m not getting much of a handle on The Doll’s kink headspace at all. His kinks don’t seem as tied to sex as mine are for me, in that he’ll play with men (and doesn’t identify as bi). He says he’s only into the idea of pain in a punishment context, and not into fear at all…when I described things I’ve done with subs before (usually blindfolding them and doing random combinations of sexy and ouchy things to their bodies), he didn’t seem to dig it. I know he’s into role-play, especially medical or mad scientist type scenes, and he speaks very fondly of being strapped securely to tables, but what happens once he’s strapped down? What sort of “experiment” would a mad scientist inflict on him without involving pain or fear, a friggin’ cookie taste-test? I just don’t get it. So watching The Doll with someone else might help things “click” for me.
In some ways I feel like the whole play party thing is moving a bit too fast. I haven’t even seen The Doll in latex yet, but since this is a play party he’ll be all decked out. And we’re heading over together, so I’ll be on public transit with him all decked out (which adds anxiety for me because I worry people will harass us. Although, knock on wood, nobody particularly harassed Minx and I when we’d be out someplace with him dressed in slutty chick clothes, so we’ll probably be fine).
And I have to confess that I’d hoped the first time I saw The Doll in latex, I’d get to pick the outfit. I don’t have a latex fetish; I just have a powerful attraction to goth boys (and boys dressed like goth girls). Some of The Doll’s fetish wardrobe dovetails with my aesthetic tastes (hellooooo, shiny black skintight pants!), but a lot of it does not, and it sounds like he’ll be wearing an outfit from the second camp on Friday.
Also (oh god…I feel like a shithead for even thinking this…) the thought of The Doll in fetish gear gives me a bit of cognitive dissonance. In my world, tight shiny black clothes are typically seen on young, paralyzingly beautiful goths in full makeup. And The Doll is totally cute and everything, but he’s…my age. With mousy-brown hair and a seriously receding hairline. And facial features that makeup would probably render ridiculous, not androgynous.
What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to think The Doll looks silly in fetishwear, but it could happen – and that is why I don’t like that my first exposure to this side of him will be so sudden and public, and in an outfit I didn’t choose. I guess I figured if we played dress-up in private and incorporated sexytimes, I’d eventually condition myself, Pavlov style, to dig the sight of him in latex – even the items that don’t inherently push my buttons. But nope, his latex debut for me will be on public transit. Yikes.
Well, I made these plans weeks ago and I’m not gonna turn back now. I am curious to see what a play party is like, and The Doll is a good person to go with. I hope it’s fun. And I hope his play partner actually shows up, because I seriously wanna see that. 😀