Tonight I had The Doll over to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which he’d never seen before. After we’d watched the movie, he pronounced it “beautiful,” thanked me for showing it to him, and said “Now I’m all teary and stuff” (which absolutely melted my heart) and we snuggled for a while. I’m both surprised and grateful that I didn’t cry at the end. Only after I’d put the movie on did I recall that this is not the first time I’ve watched it with a new boy shortly after a breakup, and on that previous occasion the ending triggered a massive unstoppable sobfest that sent my companion into a bit of a panic. But for some reason this time I was okay.
I have not yet taken much of a dominant role with The Doll; he’s kind of switchy and his kinks are a bit different from mine, so I’m still kinda figuring out what I can get away with. It wouldn’t do for me to ask him to do something and for him to miss the fact that I mean it in a D/s way (I don’t yell or threaten) – or know how I meant it but just not want to play that way – and nonchalantly refuse me.
But tonight he specifically mentioned that service is one of the things that makes him happy. He had also asked of his own volition whether he should bring any snacks tonight, and showed up with the brand and flavour of chips I’d requested plus a beverage that I hadn’t asked for but that he thought I might like (caffeine- and sugar-free because he remembered that I don’t like to get all hopped up on stimulants). And at one point he got off the couch to kneel on the floor at my feet for a while. And previously he’s told me he likes when I “take control” during makeouts and do things like pull his hair. I’m not crazy, right? He’s totally sending me signals that it’s okay to step up and take the reins…?
It amuses me that dominance is synonymous, to most people, with things like knowledge and confidence, and here I am being all tentative and needing a sub to nurture, reassure, and guide me through these preliminary moments. It also amuses me that dominance is synonymous to most people with control and invulnerability but when The Doll knelt for me it felt like my heart might explode or I might burst into tears. I got such a wave of emotion crashing through me that I didn’t even trust myself to speak. Which is another reason I need to proceed slowly – there’s such a sense of “HOLY SHIT I’M FINALLY GETTING WHAT I’VE WANTED FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO PROCESS THESE EMOTIONS ARRRGH” that I can’t handle too much at once.
Bastardcat seemed to like The Doll a lot, by the way, which was nice. He’s a friendly kitty in general, but I only ever recall him coming up to visitors and soliciting pettings. At one point tonight The Doll was lying on the couch propped up on one elbow and Bastardcat came up and repeatedly clunked heads/rubbed noses with him, which is totally unprecedented.
Other random tidbits from the night:
-At my request, The Doll gave me a foot massage that pretty much had me howling, and afterward I was so high on endorphins and snarling with dominant feelings that I grabbed him in a grateful hard hug, biting his neck and digging my fingers hard into his shoulders.
-We talked about our lives and emotions a lot more than we did previously. I’m glad to be getting to know him, and glad he’s a fairly expressive person. And we have a lot of similar philosophies on how to handle anger and anxiety and stuff, although he’s further along than I am when it comes to actually acting on these philosophies. He actually went into therapy for a few years over some anger management issues – willingly! It was his idea! – which is thrilling to me. My ex husband refused to go to any kind of therapy even when I begged, and Minx is too scared to, so yeah.
-There was some cuddling during the movie, with me lying on my side and The Doll lying with his head on my hip; on a few different occasions he kissed the exposed skin where my shirt had ridden up. The gesture felt…reverent. Also, intimate in a way that I both miss and slightly dread. But it also made me feel a bit self-conscious about my hip fat and the way most of my clothes both squish and expose it. Just sayin’.
-I have realized recently that although I want a guy to be submissive with me – and that this usually means following my lead and not being sexually aggressive – total passivity is a turn-off for me. The Doll seems to get the balance just about perfect; he’s initiated kisses and touches, but never escalated them to new levels.
-He has indeed shaved his arms (and who knows what else) since the last time I saw him. I didn’t think I minded his admittedly rather dense arm-fur that much, but now that he’s shaved, the newly visible musculature on his forearms absolutely mesmerizes me. And at one point we were making out and I was lightly running my fingernails down his sides through his shirt – the area he said was ticklish but kind of in a good way as long as I move slowly and deliberately – and I could feel all his muscles jumping and contracting under my hands in a way that is simply not possible on a person with more body fat. It was fucking hot as hell and I want to repeat the experience sometime with him naked and securely tied down.
-I told him it’s nice that he wears clothes that actually fit him instead of swamping himself in acres of fabric like the more self-conscious skinny boys do. He said he tries his best, but it can be hard finding pants in his size. I was like “Well, of course! You must need like a 28″ waist and 36″ inseam” and he looked astounded and said “…Yeah, actually.” I’d guessed his exact size. 😀
-The Doll is around my height – six feet – but told me today that he weighs 125 pounds. It’s possible that my skinny-boy preference borders on fetishism because I got turned on just hearing that. Also, he said his doctor keeps nagging him to put on weight, which made me feel remorseful about the little thrill of arousal I’d just felt over him weighing 125, so I asked him guiltily if his skinniness is causing him any health problems. He said only bad circulation, and added “By the way, I’m warning you ahead of time, my feet are usually freezing cold.” So it looks like he’s envisioning a future in which we’re sleeping with each other, in one sense or another. It’s possible my fickle post-breakup mind will do a total flip-flop on this at any moment, but right now I’m liking this assumption of a future. I enjoy how steady The Doll is, and what an open book.
So yeah…who knows what’ll happen tomorrow or even in half an hour, but at this particular moment, I’m not waffling back and forth on The Doll: I simply like him. And I’m increasingly excited about the prospect of exploring D/s with him.