Still feeling conflicted about The Doll, or at least worrying that he’s more attached to me than vice-versa. Usually if I’m going to fall head-over-heels for someone, I can feel it beginning by now – and I don’t. And yet I am genuinely quite fond of him, and curious about exploring D/s with him if he’s up for it. So I’m thinking he’ll settle naturally into a FWB role, for me – but whether he’d be down with that (and only that) remains to be seen.
Last night I dreamed I was in an elevator trying to get to the second floor but it didn’t work – the elevator would either soar up to a higher floor, or go back down to the ground floor, but it would never stop on the floor I was trying to get to. And when I woke up my subconscious nudged me, smirked, and said “YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?”
I’ve been holding back a bit with The Doll, kinda minimizing my anxiety issues and my breakup feelings and even refraining from telling him much about my life (whenever I mentioned anything about my modelling jobs, he’d go weird and quiet, so I stopped…and aside from modelling and feeling pissed off at Minx, there’s not all that much going on with me these days. So while with The Doll, I’d mostly make conversation about external things). It recently occurred to me, though, that keeping the conversation light means The Doll isn’t really getting to know me. He seems to dig me a lot, but does he? Or does he dig a social construct I’ve invented? So I might as well be myself. If it scares him away, then my life just got a lot simpler. If it doesn’t scare him away…I don’t know where that leaves us. I didn’t think that far ahead.
Make no mistake – I’m still going to be on good behaviour. There’s a difference between matter-of-factly telling the new guy you’re seeing that you’re in kinda rough shape from your last breakup, and spending the evening crying on their shoulder while railing about all your ex’s faults. I will not be doing the latter.
But today when I wrote The Doll the customary day-after “thanks for a nice evening” message, I chatted lightly about how my day at work went and then linked him to some posts on my other blog (the one I use to promote my art) that I thought would amuse him. The specific posts I linked to are just anecdotes about the dog my ex-husband and I had together, BastardCat, and art – but I don’t think The Doll was aware of the ArtBlog’s existence before. I kinda figured that once he knew it was there, he’d peruse a bunch of it (just like he peruses all my FetLife stuff that’s available to him) – which means he’ll be exposed to (among other things) a bunch of cutesy stories about Minx and I. Minx will become an actual person to The Doll instead of an abstraction; The Doll will understand, if he didn’t before, that I loved this person and lived with him until about a month ago. And this oughta cause him to put his shields up and not get too mushy over me, or maybe even run away.
Usually, if I’ve written him a message, The Doll will respond to it around 7pm, after puttering around on FetLife contributing to a discussion board or two. Today, he didn’t. He was on FetLife, though: he’d left a pixel trail. Hmmmm. I checked the stats on my ArtBlog and it looks as though he read the first link I gave him and then systematically worked his way through the next ten posts. As far as I can tell he also read the other two links I sent him – possibly twice. And it’s almost 9pm now and he still hasn’t written me back. I wonder what’s going through his mind?
I hope if he wants to back off for a bit or stop seeing me entirely, he’ll be able to articulate this to me (not just disappear) and be calm about it. It suddenly occurs to me that just because he’s got a calm demeanour and is good at explaining nerdy and sciency things to me doesn’t mean he has the wherewithal to identify and deal with his emotions. He might get freaked out and not be able to explain why (to himself or to me) and bolt.
Ah well. I’ll deal with whatever happens. Got no choice, really.