A long declaration and a short open letter.

I’ve been spending months – maybe a year or two, even – telling myself that Minx can’t help his foibles and therefore I’m not allowed to feel angry about them.  After all, it’s not like he was purposely mean to me.  His ADD just gives him a tendency to blurt out tactless things without thinking.  And to focus on the negative things I do while ignoring the positive ones.  And to space out while I’m talking to him.  And to irritably finish my sentences because he thinks I’m taking too long to get to the point.  And to shush me because his brain is already too overstimulated and the sound of my voice overloads him completely.

But you know what?  He can help those things: he can go to a goddamn doctor and get medication.  We’ve known he had attention deficit problems since January and it is now December; I’ve been very clear that his ADD was causing huge problems in the relationship, and I think Minx saw it too; but he didn’t do anything about it.

Also, just because he didn’t mean to do hurtful things doesn’t mean I can’t be angry that they happened.  If someone lost control of their car and ran over your dog, you’d be angry even though the driver didn’t mean to kill the dog.  It’s okay to be angry when shitty things happen, regardless of why they happened.

And I.  Am.  Fucking.  ANGRY.

I’m angry that Minx was so quick to give criticism yet so stingy with his praise.  I’m angry that he made almost no attempt at all to improve our sex life or add BDSM to it even though I talked to him about it intermittently for like two years.  I’m angry that he rebuffed my advances until I gave up on making them, but then turned around and said that if I wanted more sex or makeouts, I should initiate more often.  I’m angry that some of the best, most skilled kisses he ever gave me were the goodbye kisses the day he exited my life, rather than when we were actually in our relationship.

I’m angry that he wouldn’t read a passage from a relationship-fixing book that I thought could really help us, but later on – narcissistic little prick that he is – he asked to read some of the posts I’ve made about him here.  I’m angry that when I did let him read some selected posts, he appeared to digest them just fine – he’d given me the impression that reading long passages was difficult for him so I’d begun emailing him important relationship-fixing stuff broken up sentence by sentence with every line a different colour to try to keep him engaged – it was horribly time consuming to lay the emails out that way but I thought it was the only way he’d read them.

I’m angry that for the past year or so, Minx acted as though my very presence or the sound of my voice was irritating.  I’m angry that he shushed me constantly and refused to listen to me, whether I was trying to recount a funny thing I’d read or trying to tell him that I was sick of having my makeout and BDSM needs ignored and we needed to either become poly or break up.  I’m angry that for a long while he also flat-out refused to read anything, so when talking didn’t work I had no recourse at all – I guess I simply wasn’t supposed to communicate with him, period.  I’m angry that for months I felt like I was walking on eggshells in my own house.  I’m angry that Minx gave me the silent treatment every time I expressed the slightest bit of temper about anything at all, and when I reined in my temper by leaps and bounds he didn’t even notice.   I’m angry that Minx asked me to make so many compromises for his comfort that infringed on mine.

I’m angry that he put me through the stress of quitting his job and then procrastinating until he’d completely run out of money.  I’m angry that this long period of being home together burned him out on my presence so thoroughly that he never really got over it and needed me to be quiet (or just plain gone) as much as possible, even after he was working again (this is not conjecture.  Minx told me he felt that way).  I’m angry that he’d blurt out horrible things to me with seemingly no idea they were horrible, and be puzzled when I was still crying about it days later.  I’m angry that he yanked my emotions back and forth by announcing periodically that he was going to move out, but then quickly deciding that no, false alarm, he was fine.  I’m angry that he thought he could move back in with his parents for a bit and then come gallivanting back here whenever he pleased as though nothing had happened.  I’m angry that when we finally decided he would move out, he dragged his ass every step of the way to a point where he had to ask me to use my credit card to sign him up for a paid roommate-finding service (because he doesn’t have a credit card and time was running too short for him to mail them a money order) and he wasn’t even fully packed on moving day so I packed a bunch of stuff for him.  I’m angry that he developed a habit of saying something life-changing and/or insulting that freaked the hell out of me, then shutting down when I tried to address it with him – to a point where I’d be begging him to talk to me for forty minutes and he wouldn’t even answer a simple “ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME: Y/N.”

I’m angry that I thought I was entering into a relationship with a mature, independent, emotionally stable adult and what I actually got was someone who wanted to run back to mommy and daddy because living independently was too scary; someone who was riddled with mental and emotional problems and projected them all on to me; someone who believed I was violent and dangerous even though there was no evidence of this whatsoever.

I’m angry that Minx lived in fear of me for no good reason at all, when meanwhile he was making my life miserable in so many ways and to this day he probably doesn’t fully realize it.  I’m angry that he seems to believe that I ramble on pointlessly and he’s some kind of master orator, when meanwhile I’d developed a habit of covertly banging my head against the wall while waiting for him to finally…complete…a…sentence.  I’m angry that he would, without fail, throw a hissyfit over the mess in the apartment right when I was preparing for a craft fair (which requires me to take out my art supplies and make things!).

I’m angry that he never said anything nice about my paintings.  I’m angry that he was rarely able to make me orgasm, even though it usually only takes about two minutes.  I’m angry that if I asked him to tell me some things he liked about me, he’d usually refuse – but he damn sure never balked at telling me what he didn’t like.  I’m angry that hours after turning down my sexual advances, when I’d given up on getting laid and just wanted to sleep, he’d start groping and humping me.  I’m angry that it felt, by the end, as though he only had sexual interest in me when I was unconscious.

You know what, Minx?  I really have no idea why I thought we might eventually get back together.  You were a wonderful boyfriend at the beginning when you were on your best behaviour but by the end, you fucking sucked.  Even on ADD meds you’d probably suck.  I’ve unfriended you on Facebook and Fetlife and deleted your final “I love you” text from my phone.  At this point I’m not entirely sure I ever want to talk to you again.  I hope one day you realize how awesome I was and how badly you fucked it up, and I hope that day is soon, and I hope it HURTS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

Sincerely,

Me.

Okay, I think that made me feel better.  Please feel free to leave some overblown, facetious Minx-hate in the comments.  I know you don’t really know him and you don’t really mean it but the melodrama would be kinda cathartic for me.

6 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

6 responses to “A long declaration and a short open letter.

  1. Good for you! Exactly. People can have all sorts of illnesses, mental or other, and it doesn’t mean they can act any way they like. Shushing someone is about the rudest thing you can do. And that’s not even high on the list of things he did that were downright awful. Nearing the end of your relationship it was almost hard to read how much you tried and how little he seemed to care. I am so happy that you are beginning to feel anger. It is the right emotion for being treated that way for so long and for trying to accomodate someone who makes it almost impossible – and isn’t willing to do the same.

    I know you needed time and distance and so did you – that’s why you put yourself in this situation now. It just takes time to see what you’ve already gotten used to… seeing it for what it is is so hard. But it’s worth it.

    JEDI HUGS.

    • HUGE Jedi hugs back, my darling. It feels amazing to let out all this rage and have someone support it instead of telling me to calm down, be nice, anger is unladylike, frowning will give you premature wrinkles, etc. etc. Thank you for that. ❤

  2. He’s an abusive bully, you’re well rid of him. Bully’s are practiced deceivers, they start with a small kernel of truth to hook you with and then let the lies flow. I guarantee 95% of what he said about you isn’t true and the 5% that is true is good or neutral at worst. I grew up with one, same nasty technique and same bullshit lies.

    P.S. I love your art and if I weren’t drowning in debt I’d be getting more.

    • So happy you like my work. 🙂 And yeah…I’m sure Minx’s stated view of me was skewed. It’s just difficult for me to get it through my head and really believe it. I trusted him. I loved him. I assumed that he wasn’t lying or deluded, he was simply seeing things in me that my ego prevented me from seeing myself. It’s a hard mindset to climb out of.

  3. uncommonmurre

    Overblown facetious hate isn’t really my milieu, but it’s normal and I think it’s a healthier path for you than mine. I assumed that he wasn’t lying or deluded, he was simply seeing things in me that my ego prevented me from seeing myself. It’s a hard mindset to climb out of. Anger, I think, is what helps you climb out of it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s