I’ve identified an odd thought process of mine regarding dating: I’m strongly attracted to goth and alternative-looking guys, but am convinced (despite modest evidence to the contrary) that they aren’t attracted to me and that I’ll probably end up with just a regular nerd (or a harem of nerds, I suppose, since my intention is to be poly from here on in). Essentially, I feel that goth boys are my fantasy but nerd boys are my destiny (all of my serious relationships have been with nerds). And so when The Doll showed up at my art thing the other day bearing flowers, his adorable robot hoodie may actually have freaked me out more than the fact that he showed up and brought a gift. His whole look kind of screams “BOYFRIEND” to me, and because I’m not ready for a new relationship yet, that vibe kinda scared me. If he’d shown up in one of his latex catsuits, he probably could’ve brought me a damn diamond ring and I still would have assumed things were totally casual because, duh, goth boys aren’t into me like that.
This is also why I assumed The Pedant only hung out with me for the makeouts, and was surprised to realize he might actually like me; he wears boots with many buckles and a black leather trenchcoat, for pete’s sake! Guys like that aren’t into me!
It’s like my own special version of Madonna-whore complex.
So yeah. I’m kind of cycling back and forth on The Doll lately, not because he’s made any missteps with me per se but because the thought of feeling domestic and “settled down” with anyone, or of caring about someone so much that they have the power to substantially affect my happiness, gives me the willies – and I think The Doll’s clothes are sending me the wrong cues. Not to mention that our chaste little outings remind me of an old married couple. I’d been intending on taking the physical and kink aspects slowly (with anyone I’m seeing, not specifically The Doll), but it might behoove me to kick things up a notch – introduce some libido (and perhaps some fetishwear) to the mix. None of my interactions with The Doll definitively indicate that things are headed toward some huge deep relationship, I don’t think; it’s just that I’m having Pavlovian responses to certain stimuli like nerd clothes and polite chasteness. I need to shake things up a bit.