Hope kills, part II

I’ve had several dreams lately that I got back together with Minx.  

Just to clarify, these were bad dreams – I woke up feeling disgruntled, and even in the dreams I was suffused with creeping dread the moment I said “Let’s try again.”  I had similar dreams after leaving my husband.

I think my subconscious is trying to tell me that Minx and I are really and truly done.  I’d been hanging on to some slim hope that we could eventually date again – because he’s a good kisser when he tries to be, because he’s so pretty, because the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know and anyway we’d be poly so it’s not like I’d be trapped with him and only him – but no.  I guess we’ve reached that point where I have so many scars and resentments that I can’t go back.

I still wonder whether Minx and I could get on track if he were on ADD medication, since probably 60% of our problems stemmed from him not being able to understand or retain most of what I said to him.  But there’s no guarantee that meds would make things better between us, and he probably won’t go on them anyway, and if I sit around hoping he will then some part of my heart will stay in limbo.  I need to squash that last little spark of hope.  I need to make myself understand that it really is the end and I really am single, now and for the foreseeable future.  The fact that this idea makes me kinda weepy tells me I’m on the right track.  I’d been feeling like I hadn’t quite reached catharsis over this breakup, and needed to cry more, so now I know how to do that.

Incidentally, Minx texted me the other day to say he’d be dropping off something in my mailbox: a bunch of rubber thingies to help hold my art merchandise on racks, or something?  I didn’t entirely understand his description but I texted him a thank you, anyway.  I have the rubber thingies now and it’s still not clear to me how they work (also, I’ve updated my space at the arts and crafts market and don’t use the same racks I used to…Minx might have been thinking of my old system).

It’s odd that Minx did this.  We agreed to have no contact for three months.  I’ve actually found a few stray possessions of his while cleaning the apartment, and debated contacting him about them, but decided against it; they’re items he can live without and I do think this hiatus is an important part of our healing process.  But Minx just went out of his way to give me something that wasn’t even mine, that I didn’t miss or need.  It would appear that he’s trying to show off how thoughtful he is, and/or making a flimsy excuse to contact me.  I wonder if this is a sign that he wants me back?

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