The Doll wants to compile a maid outfit out of various latex and/or PVC items, and emailed me links to some skirts/tops/aprons so I could offer my input. I was like “Damn…I wanna see that one skirt on you. Like, a lot.” And he messaged me back to say he’s added it to his “order-as-soon-as-possible” list. And now my overthinky brain is like “He’s ordering an expensive item of clothing because I told him I’d like it? What…is happening here?”
I’m not freaking out in any serious way (no, really!) so don’t anyone deluge me with “OMG calm the fuck down” comments. It’s just that in my mind, his showing me those links was just, y’know, because it’s fun to chat with someone about mutual interests. And my saying “I want to see this one on you” was fashion advice and a little bit of flirting. But him apparently deciding to buy the skirt based on me wanting to see him in it? That could be him taking my fashion advice, or it could be him thinking he’s submitting to me by meeting my “demand,” or it could be him expecting that we’re gonna have sexytimes soon and buying an outfit to wear for the occasion.
I guess at the crux of it I feel that someone buying an outfit because I said I’d like it feels kind of intimate and relationshippy and I’m not ready to feel like that about someone new.
But I’m aware that a) he was considering buying that skirt anyway – it’s not like I said “Hey, buy this totally random thing for my pleasure!” and he was like “Hot damn, I’ll get my credit card!”. b) He really probably was just asking for a second opinion and c) the pace of our interactions so far indicates that we’re not going to be doing anything sexual or kinky for a pretty long time – and I think he’s socially adept enough to pick up on this. Oh, and p.s. part of me is pleased that all I had to say was “I want to see this garment on you” and The Doll decided to buy it. I like getting what I want.
On the whole other end of the paranoia pendulum: a lot of kinky guys I’ve approached over the years came on strong, but then ran away right when it looked like I was about to finally indulge their kinks. So I also have vague worries that The Doll is going to bolt. Except he won’t – not for the same reasons, anyway – because those other guys were total n00bs with first-time jitters and The Doll is not. The Doll has been to play parties (and been spanked there!); I don’t think he scares easily. Also, he’s not coming on particularly strong and therefore is unlikely to feel like he’s gotten in over his head and must run away.
…Fuck. I just realized something: I hate getting all obsessed with a guy, and so when I meet one who’s pleasant but doesn’t inspire overwhelming passion in me, I begin to fetishize the fact that I’m not feeling passionately attached to him (so safe! So drama free! I could totally take him or leave him!). Which in turn makes me want really badly to keep the guy around because it’s so rare for me to meet someone who doesn’t make me all obsessed. Which makes me overthink all our interactions, trying to make sure I don’t accidentally scare him off or whatever. This is totally what’s happening here.
Also, I’m selling my stuff at an arts and crafts fair on the weekend and I feel terrified and unprepared, so I think all this angst over The Doll may actually be a diversion tactic to keep me from freaking out about that.
I seriously need to get the fuck off the internet and make more merchandise to sell now.