The board game cafe was super fun! The Doll and I played a Scrabble-like game where the letters were on stackable pyramids, then a game where you connected cardboard picture-tiles together to make fields, roads, and cities and you earned points by putting little men on there (hard to explain).
I liked the word game the best (and won approximately half the time). The Doll won the build-your-own-landscape one, which we only played once because by that time it was getting late. I’m not usually good at strategy games like that – I guess I have the kind of brain that’s good at seeing patterns, but not at making them. Or something. Also I dislike games where you have to think several moves ahead – I’m all about instant gratification.
On our way to the cafe, The Doll mentioned that he’d read my last few journal entries on Fetlife – the most recent of which was a list of my BDSM-related interests*. Then he started talking about what he likes, and although he didn’t outright preface it with “here are the things I’d be willing to do with you,” it’s fairly obvious that’s what he was thinking. I found this slightly presumptuous since we’re nowhere near playing yet. Or maybe I was irked because he started off the conversation with “I’m not into [dynamic on your list] although I might be into roleplaying that dynamic” which…dude, why are you rejecting an advance I didn’t even make?
But I am curious about what he’s into and what sorts of play we could eventually engage in, so I let it pass and just listened.
The big area of overlap for us is objectification and feminization – I love the idea of dressing a guy up in uncomfortable, impractical whore clothes and treating him like an object, and he seems to love the idea of being that guy. We both kind of lit up when we were talking about it. 🙂
And then we started playing games and the kink talk subsided. And can I just say, The Doll is harder to read than most guys – I mean on our first date I had no idea whether he was interested in me, and only realized it afterward when I messaged him on FetLife with a declaration of intent and he messaged back with such enthusiasm. On this date he was similarly stoic – normally, for me, the big giveaway that someone’s attracted is that they keep making excuses to touch me, but The Doll did not do this. Which is fine, because I like when someone respects my personal space. But at one point when we were playing that word game, he used up the Z I was hoping to use on my turn (it’s worth a lot of points) and when I expressed my dismay that he got to it first, he gave me an adorably cheeky look and said “I guess I deserve a spanking.” RAWR.
At the end of the night, we once again travelled home together on public transit, with me getting off at an earlier stop than him. For the time being, saying our goodbyes in a brightly lit, utilitarian space filled with people kind of works for me; I don’t want to kiss him just yet and public transit is not especially conducive to kissing so I trust he won’t initiate anything either (and he didn’t, tonight). We did hug and as we parted I slid my hand down his arm and we briefly squeezed hands.
Y’know, I was just saying to a friend the other day that I love men whose sexuality is stereotypically “feminine” – guys who, instead of being the aggressor, use their wiles on me until I’m compelled to pursue *them*. Doe-eyed, wicked, languorous men. And it occurs to me that this is exactly what The Doll is doing, in his own slightly awkward nerdy way (whether he’s perceived that I want this or he’s just that kind of boy already is unclear). He may not be making excuses to touch me or initiating any goodnight kisses, but when he said he deserved a spanking my brain lit up like a fucking pinball machine. The look he gave me…goddamn.
I think part of the reason I’m hesitant to kiss The Doll (or anyone new, right now) is that I feel self-conscious. At this point in my life I really have no patience for vanilla, even in kissing; I want to explore my BDSM desires. A huge part of that, for me, is being rough with someone during sexytimes and/or feeling as though I own them. So one part of me pictures myself backing The Doll up against a wall, holding his head still by a fistful of hair, and nuzzling slllllowly along his jawline (as he freezes, heart pounding like a rabbit who’s been cornered by a bobcat and knows he’s about to be played with) until I get to his mouth. And another part of me pictures him mocking me to his friends at the bar the next night: “Dude, this chick was crazy…she got all up in my face and was sniffing me.”
I dunno, man…I used to have the bravado to be able to just do this shit without overthinking it but now I can’t. I’m blocked. I’ve lost my mojo.
The Doll mentioned in passing that one of the things that puts him in a submissive headspace is just…someone assuming dominance over him. Was that a veiled invitation? Was he making it known that if I just start taking control, he’ll go with it? I know he’s attracted to me and I know he’s taken the submissive role in the past and enjoyed it, but this doesn’t necessarily add up to “please pull my hair, bite me, and call me mean names.”
I’m going to have to tease a bit more information out of him before going forward, I think.
*Also, that entry and one of the others mentioned that I consider myself nonmonogamous, so I guess the Big Reveal has been taken care of! But don’t worry, I will reiterate my stance to him directly if things start to feel like they’re heading somewhere, just to make sure we’re on the same page.