I met that other boy today – the one who’s poly and married and whose kinks aren’t particularly compatible with mine. For simplicity’s sake I’ll give him a name: The Hedonist (which is how he categorizes himself on FetLife).
The conversation flowed better with him than it did with The Doll, probably because we got into more philosophical topics (which generally produce more good back-and-forth exchanges than, say, asking someone what he does for a living). He’s bright and articulate and has a pleasing grasp of gender issues…when we somehow got on the topic of courtship – and creepy/pushy guys in particular – he said he always has to school guys about the fact that there’s a power imbalance between men and women and that this affects the way a guy should hit on a woman. He gets it! Awesome. 🙂
Actually, he said the coolest thing to me – I told him my theory that “politeness” means never saying what you really mean, and how I’ll sometimes ask for clarification and people will look at me like I’m being hopelessly gauche. The example I used was a guy asking me to his place to watch a movie and me going “When you say ‘watch a movie’ is it really a covert invitation to have sex? Because I’m not ready to sleep with you yet, but I’d be up for making out and maybe a bit more” and getting that same awkward silence. The Hedonist said “Well, in that particular case I don’t think it’s a secret code of politeness; I think guys act purposely vague in order to give themselves some wiggle room. That guy didn’t think you were being rude, he was annoyed that you’d dispelled all his plausible deniability.” Holy shit. Yes. Dude was probably hoping to lure me in with the promise of movies and then make a move on me, and if I rejected the move he could be like “everyone knows that inviting someone over means sex.” The Hedonist is wicked smart. 😀
All in all, we talked for about two hours; then he was scheduled to take his kids for an afternoon outing. Near the end of our time together, he confirmed that he’s totally down with posing for paintings for me (something I’d asked him about back when we were just messaging online); I also noticed that he’d begun sitting forward in his chair to talk to me. When we said goodbye, I went to shake his hand and he pulled me into a hug instead. So I’m guessing I’m not the only one who felt an attraction. Nice. 🙂
The Hedonist also has enough other relationships and things going on that I doubt he’ll need much maintenance…like I think he’d be fine with hanging out once every couple of months, which suits me perfectly. That would be my ideal situation right now, actually…a harem of guys who are always happy to see me, but are only able to see me sporadically. Warmth without a lot of attachment or commitment or upkeep. An understanding that our friendship-with-benefits is still in effect even if there are long periods of hiatus.
So now I’ve hung out with two different guys who are equally cute and appealing, and it’s made me realize I’m having a bit of internal conflict. I don’t want to initiate a kiss with someone unless I’m feeling attracted at an animal level, and thus far with both boys I’m not feeling anything more than a clinical recognition that they’re cute. BUT, I suspect the coolness I’m feeling is a self-defense thing; if I start to want a guy, I’ll want to see him again instead of feeling all laissez faire. I’ll start thinking about him all the time and pining and wondering what he’s thinking and trying to figure out how to keep him in my life, which is essentially also what I was doing during the last few months of my relationship with Minx. I’m burned out on obsessing. I need a break from it.
At the same time, though, I really want to have some hot makeouts. Maybe even sex. But, again, if I do that then I’ll likely want to repeat the experience and then it’s angst ahoy.
So it seems I’m at an impasse.
The Pedant might be a way out of my conundrum. He’s shown himself to be a fairly permanent part of my life – we’ve established the kind of friendship where we can fall out of touch for a few weeks and then pick up right where we left off – so there wouldn’t be too much “OMG what if he vanishes” paranoia. Certainly less paranoia than I’d feel with The Doll or The Hedonist or anyone else I’d just met. And mmmmaybe sex with The Pedant would be good? He seems to take direction and criticism fairly well, at any rate.
I suppose, too, that I’m kind of being influenced by gender stereotypes right now – like, everyone knows that Guys Only Care About Sex, and therefore I can’t afford to just keep hanging out with The Doll on a non-goodbye-kiss basis and see if an animal attraction will eventually assert itself. He’ll obviously get fed up and bail on me. Which, okay, that’s paranoid and unfair. But gender essentialism aside, I think most people like to know where an interaction is heading. I don’t see too many people wanting to hang out with someone who’s as…flighty and open-ended as I am right now. I mean even if I told The Doll “I’m not ready to get into any physical stuff with you, but I think I might be one day” and he was okay with that, there’s no guarantee that he’d be available to me once I finally decided to make my move. He might have mellowed into just friendship feelings; he might have started seeing someone else; etc., etc.
(I’m making these hypothetical scenarios all about The Doll because The Hedonist is poly and therefore – I believe – more open to nontraditional relationships. Meaning: he doesn’t need sex from me because he can get it from others. The Doll hasn’t disclosed his relationship philosophies, so I assume he’s a monogamous type, ergo the stakes may be higher.)
So anyway I’m putting myself under all this pressure to hurry up and decide what I want and it kind of sucks. It’s tempting to kiss The Doll next time I see him whether I fully want to or not…we’ll see. I do kinda think that if I just go for it – if I break that barrier between civility and carnality – my sense of polite distance will be shattered and I’ll become a raging horndog. And I like the idea of completely losing myself in sexytimes…it’s been a long time since that’s happened.
(I’m making that hypothetical scenario about The Doll because I’m seeing him on Monday, whereas I don’t know when or if I’ll see The Hedonist again.)