First munch!

The munch night with the FetLife guy went nicely.  Nicely enough, in fact, that I’m going to give this guy a name: he will henceforth be known as The Doll, because I want to play dress-up with him and also because I’ve been obsessively watching The Dollhouse lately on Netflix so I’ve got human dolls on the brain.

Anyway.

We met up in my neighbourhood because he had to pass through there to get to the munch anyway, and we travelled to our destination together.  The conversation was pretty stilted, but I put this down to the social anxiety we both suffer from.  He kept the conversational topics rather stiff/formal/surface oriented and didn’t ask me much about myself; I knew enough to keep things going by asking questions, but was having a hard time paying attention to his answers because I was desperately trying to think what to say next.  But I kept seeing little glimpses, underneath the awkwardness, of someone fun and funny who I’d like to get to know…so I’m willing to brave the anxiety and keep trying if he is.

The munch itself was pleasant enough.  There were only a handful of people besides me and The Doll, but they all knew each other, so there was a certain amount of gossip and inside jokes that I (and I think The Doll, too) couldn’t related to at all.  The people were very friendly and welcoming and everything, it just maybe didn’t occur to them to stick to topics everyone could join in on.

After a couple of hours of The Doll and I mostly sitting and watching the other people talk, the pub dimmed the lights and put on a comedy show.  The organizer of the munch loudly heckled all the comedians, which caused the comedians to pay undue attention to our table.  The MC in particular started picking on our little group, asking us where and how we met.  The organizer of the munch refused to say – which I respected because maybe not all of us wanted to be “outed” as kinky – but then she went on to make it into this big huge tantalizing secret, like “Oh, we met online…I can’t tell you what kind of website.  You’d never even believe it!  It’s crazier than your wildest dreams!” kind of stuff.  That pissed me off.  I think the way to get past people’s stupid preconceptions about kinksters is to demonstrate that we’re just people and kink is a hobby (or orientation, depending on your stance) like any other.  I feel that this woman’s attitude of being secretive while simultaneously shining a big “look at us, we’re freaks!” spotlight on us was counterproductive and attention-whoring.  She made the MC guess the common interest that linked us, and when he eventually did guess it, he seemed almost disappointed, like the information was really anticlimactic.  Which, really, it probably was.  D/s is not all that “out there” these days.

Btw, at one point during the comedy show festivities I got up to pee for like the fifth time in an hour (I’d had a diet Coke and the caffeine works hell on my bladder) and when I got back, The Doll leaned over and murmured, “Are you still having a good time?” which made me realize how few first dates (or new friends, or whatever) have checked in with me to see how I was doing, and which endeared him to me a lot.  Apparently my bar is set pretty low. 😛

After the comedy show, The Doll and I headed to our respective homes, with part of that trip happening in tandem.  He was much more relaxed and talkative than he had been on the way there, so that was nice.  When we parted ways I was like “Let’s hang out again.  Make me an offer.”  And he said okay and I hopped off the bus and that was that.  I honestly have no idea whether he does want to see me again or if he was just being polite.  I feel that our interactions were pleasant enough, but not so great that he would necessarily be dying to have more of them…it may just be me who’s game to keep trying and see what happens.

It’s funny…Minx and The Pedant are kind of gothy and a lot of people would assume that their scary all-black-and-leather wardrobes mean they’re kinky – most likely dominant – and they’re not.  Many people would also guess that I’m kinky or dominant based on my looks (depending on the day) and obviously they’d be right.  Meanwhile, The Doll showed up tonight in Dockers and a polo shirt when meanwhile he secretly wears latex catsuits and stiletto heels at home.  He’s a total stealth perv – someone you’d never ever suspect – and this kind of turns me on.

Oh, and another funny thing: I’m often mistaken for much younger than my age, and I find it fascinating the way people behave with me.  Tonight was no exception: people spoke to me in a voice that bordered on baby talk, and everyone (except The Doll, I would guess – he would’ve seen my age on my FetLife profile)) clearly assumed that I was around 22 and therefore had little or no experience in D/s*.  People were explaining to me – out of the blue – how to properly administer spankings (which I already know) and floggings (I’d already read most of their tips online but haven’t tried them yet).  People were treating me like a total n00b without even inquiring about my experience level, which rubbed me the wrong way, but I do recognize that I was getting for free what many people pay money to learn in seminars so I did my best to shut up and listen.

Eventually it came out that I am in fact thirty-nine years old** and – as usual – there was a palpable moment of awkwardness and then people’s tones of voice toward me changed.  This never stops being interesting and sort of hilarious to me – and yet, I am sheltered and immature in many ways so I actually kind of like it when people act all nurturing and helpful and treat me like an adorable mascot.  It’s vaguely disappointing when they stop.  Sometimes I deliberately avoid letting on how old I am just to avoid the awkwardness and preserve the cutesy treatment.

So anyhoo, that was my night.  If I don’t receive an encouraging “it was nice meeting you/let’s keep talking” type of follow-up message from The Doll by tomorrow, I’m gonna write one myself and see what happens.  My heart won’t be broken if he’s not into seeing me again…but I’m curious to see what happens if he is.

*And, okay, I don’t have as much practical experience as I could because I’m too shy to network or attend play parties, and also because I spent almost a decade of my adult life wasting away in a vanilla marriage.  But they didn’t know that!

**Someone was trying to remember the name of a particular bar that had shut down over fifteen years ago.  I was like “Oh, you’re talking about ___!  I loved it there; I used to go every week!”  The woman sitting across from me was like “Oh, you did not!” 😀

6 Comments

November 14, 2012 · 7:14 am

6 responses to “First munch!

  1. marika grofno

    Do you feel like going to other muches with these people, or they were offputting?

    • Kind of offputting. 😛 But apparently this particular munch has a different turnout every time – I mean the core offputters will always be there but there are sometimes lots of other people there, too. And it’s a good way to learn things.

      So I’d go to another one if The Doll or another friend wanted to. It wasn’t so thrillingly awesome that I’d go again by myself.

  2. I love the Doll already. *Smirk*

    Anyway…

    A really shitty thing for them to do! I would’ve been flabberghasted, if I went to my first munch and *the fucking first thing the people responsible do is out us to everyone and draw attention to us*. Isn’t that like the A in the alphabet of how NOT to behave in a munch?

    I also felt kinda off about the cutesy stuff towards you. A little preface: My first experience with a *known* BDSM dom was pretty bad. It was my friend mr M’s birthday and we were dancing. The dom guy just assumed I was a submissive because reasons and after I’d only heard his name he kept fake slapping my face on the dance floor until I just stopped dancing with him. (I did ask him to stop it before I left.) It was everything that I feared it would be… and worse! How dim do you have to be to do that kind of a thing to a total stranger, one you know nothing about, except some interest towards kink? I felt unsafe and walked over.

    I’m a pretty little thing (quite literally) so I guess I get the same treatment as you sometimes, and it makes me feel stripped of power, and also not heard or respected. That’s why I feel so strongly about what you described happended in the munch. Obviously you were not so offended so it probably wasn’t that bad. But I still wonder: Why were they drawing so many conclusions? Why weren’t they even interested in asking you? If they already knew each other weren’t they even a little curious about you two?

    Wellp. I haven’t been to *any* munches ever, so I have no idea how it really works. But I suspect it works just like everything else in life. Some people are in and some are idiots. 😉 You just try to avoid the idiots and find the in crowd.

    • You’re right, it is pretty ridiculous that people didn’t express more curiosity about me, or at least ask my experience level before giving me tips. And the main reason I’m not more annoyed by the cutesy stuff is that the munch was specifically for male subs and female dominants, so I felt secure that no guy there would try to dom me like that asshole did to you on the dance floor! That’s actually specifically why I chose to go to this munch and not a more “mixed” one – I come off as quiet and shy and I think doms would completely take it the wrong way.

      Wellp. I haven’t been to *any* munches ever, so I have no idea how it really works. But I suspect it works just like everything else in life. Some people are in and some are idiots.

      Agreed. I think the core group at this munch is a little bit too inflated with a sense of their own specialness, and hold this event more to show off than to really help people get oriented. But after years of reading other people’s blog posts about problems in local BDSM communities, even having a mediocre night like that makes me feel like “OMG! I’m part of the community now! And I’m having issues with them, just like the people whose blogs I read!” Silly, I know.

      • That’s actually specifically why I chose to go to this munch and not a more “mixed” one – I come off as quiet and shy and I think doms would completely take it the wrong way.

        I hate to say it, but good call. I’m quiet (both literally soft spoken and I typically spend more time listening than talking) and shy, and people consistently tell me I seem too sweet to be a dom. Sometimes it’s even fun to confound people’s expectations that way, but dammit it gets tiring to feel like I have to prove myself over and over and over.

        I think the way to get past people’s stupid preconceptions about kinksters is to demonstrate that we’re just people and kink is a hobby (or orientation, depending on your stance) like any other. I feel that this woman’s attitude of being secretive while simultaneously shining a big “look at us, we’re freaks!” spotlight on us was counterproductive and attention-whoring.

        Ugh. I completely agree. That’s not only a pathetic plea for attention, but like RogueBambi said it’s *completely* inappropriate at a munch. What the hell happened to ‘of course it’s safe to come to a munch, no one will know you’re doing anything but having dinner with some friends’?

        On a happier note

        He’s a total stealth perv – someone you’d never ever suspect – and this kind of turns me on.

        Yay stealth pervs 🙂 I think most people I know in vanilla life would never suspect I’m a perv, and for me it’s fun to have a secret. I just like knowing things other people don’t.

  3. Pingback: RUDE. | hiding in plain sight

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