Went out dancing tonight with a friend. It’s the horndog week of my cycle and I’m kind of revelling in being single again and not having to answer to anyone, so people at the club were generally looking hotter to me than they normally would and I kind of wanted to fuck some of them. Except not really, because I’ve never been into one-night stands but right now I’m not into the idea of a fuckbuddy, either. It all just feels like too much hassle.
But there was one guy there tonight who definitely inspired some PantsFeelings. Tall, good dancer, slightly scruffy face, reddish-blonde ponytail and shaved sides. A burlier build than I generally go for, but I was in the mood to play rough; a solid guy like that, you could shove against a wall and he wouldn’t break. You could bite and slap and bite some more and probably he could take it. And the ponytail would make a good handle.
I debated pursuing this guy – seeing if I could make out with him in a dark corner for a while and then vanish into the night like a ferocious makeout ninja – but thought better of it in the end. Too much bother; too much risk to my ego if I failed; too much risk to his ego if he had his hopes pinned on more than just kisses and sadomasochism from me; shitty of me to leave my friend high and dry while I chased after a piece of tail (although he was encouraging me to go for it, which was sweet).
I did notice people checking me out tonight, though, and that was gratifying. These days, knowing I could hook up with someone is just as satisfying a coup as actually doing it…most of the time.
Despite not wanting to date or have sex with anyone right now (or, okay, I kind of wanna get laid but I think that’s partly coming from a place of insecurity so it’s not a good idea), I have messaged some guys on FetLife in a platonic capacity. It’s good to make new friends. But I’m not particularly soliciting friendships from women, so clearly my motives aren’t entirely pure here. I’ve noticed a pattern, actually: I tend to contact either guys who seem awesome in every way but live far away, or guys who are cute and local and interesting but have very different kinks from mine. Ergo, I’m totally wanting to flirt with people (and maybe even date or fuck them) but I’m choosing guys with built-in buffer zones so things can’t (in theory) get too intense. Two of these conversations have kind of come to a head and I know I need to meet the guys now or else things will fizzle and I’ll miss my chance (I wish this hadn’t happened all at once – I’d rather have staggered things by a week or two – but it is what it is).
The dude I’m meeting on Tuesday is a cute BDSM switch whose main kink is transformation – he likes costumes and roleplay. I like playing dress-up, but I think he takes it further than I do; he mentioned once in passing that he owns a pair of pussy panties and wants to get a mask of a woman’s face, and more power to him but personally that level of crossdressing creeps me out. The guy I’ll probably be meeting with later next week is crazy fucking hot but has dominant tendencies and his big fantasy is to be the bull in a cuckold scenario. He’s also mentioned in passing that he’s well-endowed. So, total sexual mismatch there. Both guys are my age(!) and seem very bright and analytical and pleasingly straightforward. Both conversations have been lively but not particularly flirty; nobody’s acting like we’re doing anything but getting to know each other, and the upcoming meetings have not been labelled as “dates” or anything else, though I’m fairly sure both guys are open to stuff happening if the attraction is there. This casual, open-ended dynamic is exactly what I need right now.
Some of my interest in getting laid isn’t unhealthy. I mean I think some of it is about me being sad and paranoid and wanting to confirm that boys still like me, and that’s less than optimal, but some of it is also just that my sex life with Minx was not entirely satisfying – especially toward the end – and now that I’m free to sleep with new people, I want to get out there and explore and have fun! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
The “I want to know that boys still like me” part of my brain is telling me to move things forward with The Pedant. I know him, I feel reasonably safe and comfortable with him, I know he wants to have sex with me and will try his best to make it pleasurable, and he’s not likely to vanish on me after I fuck him (vanishing would bring out my paranoia big time). The “I want to have mindblowing sex” part of my brain is not so sure about The Pedant, for reasons I’ve mentioned before plus the fact that he’s not into BDSM so I still won’t fully get what I’ve been craving. Also, he’s mentioned that he’s spectacularly hairy (and the fur peeking out from under the necklines and cuffs of his shirts backs him up on this) so I’m a little afraid of seeing him naked!
I don’t want to jump into sex with anyone too fast, and definitely not for the wrong reasons…but I know from experience that it’s very easy for me to go waaaay off in the other direction, where I’m so scared of making a bad choice that I can’t bring myself to do anything at all. I don’t want to blow sex-with-a-new-person up into this huge, terrifying thing, or into something that has to be one hundred percent picture-perfect or else I’ve, I dunno, sullied myself. But I’m not sure how to maintain a healthy balance of being not-too-cautious and yet not-too-rash. Also, I don’t want to hurt or confuse anyone with my uncertainty/mood swings/etc. I’m fairly likely to be gung ho about fucking some dude and then want to go back to being just friends afterward, which I don’t guess would go over well for most people.