One of the Lush products I bought the other day was a massage bar (looks kinda like a bar of soap, melts into a slippery oil upon contact with warm skin). The product is called Friends With Benefits – I couldn’t make this shit up.
I totally just messaged The Pedant on Facebook and flirtily mentioned that I bought this thing (without mentioning the name, which would be a little too on-the-nose). I referenced it in the middle of a bunch of random life updates, and capped it by telling him I’d like to hang out with him but not quite yet because I’m still dealing with apartment mess and whatnot.
Then I messaged The Latent Heterosexual and just flat-out told him I bought a massage bar and would love to use it with him if he’s up for it (and making other chitchat, too). He must have been online right then because he responded quite quickly, saying something like “I’m not sure exactly what you have in mind, but it sounds like a good time.”
My situation with TLH is kind of weird. I’m quasi-attracted to him, but not all the way…we tried making out not that long ago and it fell flat (for me, at least, and I thought for him too) and yet I still ogle his body any time I think he’s not looking. And we agreed that platonic snuggles and massages would be amenable to both of us, but the first time we tried it, he started subtly humping me and then repositioned me so he could straddle my leg and hump me unsubtly (I deflected by rolling over and requesting a backrub, which he cheerfully gave me) – this despite him saying on many occasions that he’s not an orgasm-focused person and generally prefers massages to sex. Plus I never really got a vibe that he finds me attractive, per se; he’s never said it and I’ve never caught him checking me out. So I don’t know whatthefuck.
When the making out didn’t work, I assumed I was attracted enough to him that I enjoyed looking at him, but not enough to want to do stuff to him…but the snuggles kind of awoke my libido a little bit and if I hadn’t been in kind of a sad and confused headspace that one night I might have humped him back. I find myself kinda-sorta wanting to ask him for handjobs…Minx’s lack of stamina has shaken my confidence badly and made me wonder if my body has actually changed and I need some ridiculous inhuman amount of stimulation now. I worry that no guy will ever again be able to get me off. TLH, though, is a guitar player – his hands are incredibly strong and dextrous. He gave me a few handjobs back in the day and his ministrations were solid and steady and got me off in two minutes flat – and his hand wasn’t even remotely tired. If anyone can get me past my insecurities and mental blocks, it’s him. I think maybe I just hate the way he kisses (so passive and slack! I need more pushback) but enjoy most of the other things he does. I dunno.
Anyway, I sensed a little confusion or perhaps trepidation in his “I don’t know what you’re planning” comment, so I wrote him back and spelled it out for him: I desperately need a foot massage (provided feet don’t gross him out) and would like a shoulder rub without clothes intervening, and I’d be happy to return the favour by massaging whatever muscles need it on him. I said that my feelings about sex and orgasms are kind of complicated right now so I’m really only proposing massage and nothing more – but “more” has crossed my mind because frankly he’s really hot.
I think I managed to be clear without either seeming like I was leading him or rejecting him (sexually speaking).
As for The Pedant, well…I’d like to experience his shoulder rubs without clothes in the way, too. But I have some reservations about him – I don’t trust him as completely as I trust TLH – so I don’t have the nerve to outright invite him over or anything. Also, I’m not sure what this breakup with Minx might do to me – I’m feeling fairly level-headed and happy right now, but I know I might crash without warning and I don’t want to be out on a date when it happens. That’s why all I did for now is allude to owning massage paraphernalia and make a vague reference to hanging out with him sometime in the future.
Oh, but also, we were flirting a week or so ago via text message and I totally dropped an earnestness-anvil into the conversation by telling him “I’m down with taking the physical stuff further, but I’ll want to take things slowly…if you can’t deal with nakedness without orgasms or orgasms without sex, though, I’m happy to keep our dynamic exactly as it is now – whatever makes you comfortable.” I had told him about the debacle with The Ingenue a while back so I’m sure he knew why I was saying all of this…he texted back “we’ll sort it out when we get there,” which is not the direct reassurance or expression of wants/needs I was hoping for but isn’t bad, either. Clearly, he’s not too much of an “ejaculation or GTFO” guy, considering we’ve been seeing each other for a year now and only making out*; I’m hoping his response to me means “I think I can handle whatever happens but if it turns out I can’t, I’ll let you know without throwing a hissyfit.”
Can’t remember if I mentioned it here but I’m also talking to two guys on Fetlife. One is average-cute and interesting and has a couple of overlapping kinks with me, and the other is into completely different things from me but I think he’s LUDICROUSLY HOT. Both are willing to be photographed/painted, and both are being surprisingly patient with me needing to tie up loose ends with Minx before I meet them in person. It’s nice, being able to tell a virtual stranger “here’s where I’m at and what I need right now” and have them go “cool, I can totally accommodate that.” It hasn’t really happened to me before. Was I not speaking as directly, or were the boys not as patient? Hmmmm.
*But the thing is, we were always in public. Probably he wouldn’t have gone for more intimate contact even if I’d invited it because, y’know, people could walk by. We can’t necessarily ascribe his behaviour to respect for my autonomy, is what I’m saying.
hiding in plain sight 