ABORT! ABORT!

Minx is home from RG’s place.  They never did make out…he said he felt like he could’ve gotten over his shyness enough to ask her, but refrained because she seems so needy and so desperate for a (monogamous and long-term) romantic relationship that an offer of makeouts might seem kinda mean…a pale and mildly insulting shadow of what she really wants.  Or else she’ll latch onto Minx way too hard because he’s all she’s got.

They did exchange some massages and get a little snuggly in a platonic way; Minx could tell that she was feeling deprived of human touch and so he tried to provide some.  When he got home and told me about this, I suggested that we both hang out with her sometime and maybe make a platonic snuggle sandwich – it’d be a way of giving RG the affection she needs and a way for me to tentatively and safely explore how I feel about Minx being physically close to a woman he’s attracted to (who’s not me).

I have since abandoned this idea, though, because holy shit is this girl ever needy.  Scary needy to the point where I want to run away screaming.  I guess when Minx described her behaviour to me I assumed he must be exaggerating, but no; he got on Facebook chat with her and this happened:

RG: I’m so lonely right now.

Minx: *Hugs*

RG: I want to be tied up, teased, and tortured.

Seriously.  That’s exactly how the conversation went.  I’m not paraphrasing or leaving out a segue.  And apparently this is what she was like the whole time Minx was over, too; constantly whining about how sad and lonely she was and making blatantly sexual statements that were almost-but-not-quite aimed at Minx.  He thinks it’s telling that she’d always say “I want someone to ___ me” rather than “I want you to ___ me”; he thinks it indicates that she’s not interested in him per se, she’s interested in…whoever.  Anyone and everyone who’ll pay attention to her.  I agree with this, but also feel that it’s inappropriate of her to say this stuff to a boy who’s in a relationship (and remember, Minx never hit on her so as far as she knows we’re monogamous).  Stating your sexual desires point-blank goes well beyond the bounds of what I’d call “flirting”.  I wonder if she’s trying to hit on Minx without really hitting on him – saying enough to encourage him to make a move but not quite enough to indict herself if Minx calls her on it.  That is some dubious shit and I don’t like it.

I suggested to Minx that we instate a tentative rule (tentative because situations vary and you never know) of hanging out with potential makeout partners  in person three times (minimum) before making a move, just in case they turn out to be kind of a trainwreck.  After all, RG seemed sweet and normal at Red’s birthday party and look how she turned out.  Minx agreed – but then again he always was less likely to jump right on someone than I am.  I’m the one who sees what I want and immediately takes off after it.  I got really, really lucky with The Pedant in a lot of ways, but it’s time to start being more cautious.

Later, Minx tried to end his Facebook chat with RG by saying “I’m sleepy” and she responded with “I’m sad and lonely.”  Jesus.  What can anyone possibly say to that?  Minx looked at me helplessly and I suggested that he avoid comforting/reassuring/flattering her at all costs because that would essentially train her to keep saying these things and they’d get stuck in an endless loop.  I said whenever she fishes for compliments or reassurance he should dodge it – just change the subject.  If she ever says anything that sounds confident and self-assured, that’s when he can dole out praise.  Positive reinforcement. 😀

Minx said “I’m thinking of telling her it was fun getting to know her better today and yesterday, but I’m worried it’ll feed her neediness and encourage her to fish for more compliments.  What should I do?”  I said that probably the best thing to do is to make sure he’s being true to himself at all times – if he did have fun hanging out with her and wants to say so, then do it; if he only wants to say it because she seems to be demanding flattery then don’t.  But good lord, it squicks me that I gave him makeout permission for someone who turned out to be so messed up.

And this whole thing is bringing a bunch of feelings up for me…for a while there my chest got kinda tight and I felt a little teary.  Minx and I had a really good talk (in between him trying to figure out how to respond to RG’s constant sops for attention) and I think I feel okay now, but let me try to sort through my thoughts and emotions here just in case something new comes to light.

Well, first off, there was a minor miscommunication today: I thought Minx would be home in the early afternoon at the latest but he decided to stay longer than that and forgot to tell me.  This in itself is not a huge deal, but we’d agreed that when he got home we’d have a “date night.”  So, when I texted him to ask when he was coming home and he was like “whoops, sorry, I’ll be home by 8,” the rational side of my brain was like “Meh, we’ll still have plenty of time to hang out – it’s not like either of us has work in the morning.  Sucks that I’ve been waiting around for him for a couple of hours, but he’s absent-minded and I never clearly said ‘it’s important that I know when you’re returning ’cause I want to plan my day’ so whatever.  And I’m 99% sure that Minx never initiated any makeouts with RG.”

But then the not-so-rational part of my brain said “But what if he did initiate makeouts?  What if he got all caught up in makeouts and that’s how he lost track of time?  I could maybe handle that under other circumstances, but tonight we had a date, dammit.  Actually, I’m kinda pissed even if they aren’t making out – I feel like he’s neglecting me in favour of someone else.  If I’m this miffed without makeouts being involved then what’ll happen if Minx does ever arrive home late because he didn’t wanna stop kissing someone?”  …And I got annoyed with myself because I thought I was way cooler and more secure than this; I thought I’d cruise through Minx’s first outside makeouts just fine, but here I was panicking over stuff that hadn’t even happened yet.  I wondered how I could’ve overestimated my coping abilities so much.  I’ve since realized, though, that the makeout factor likely doesn’t have much to do with this; it’s that the situation is stirring up all kinds of baggage from my marriage.  My alcoholic ex husband used to blow off plans with me all the time in order to go out (or stay out) drinking with friends and it made me feel like I was the last priority in his life.  I’m pretty sure I would’ve felt just as annoyed with Minx today if he’d been hanging with one of his guy friends; makeouts or not, his being late for a date with me brings up the same old issues.  I explained all this to Minx and he totally understands.

Another thing that came up: I feel kinda stupid for this, but it never really occurred to me that a makeout partner of Minx’s might, y’know, want him really bad.  I always kinda pictured him hitting on a girl and her going “Makeouts?  Hmmm.  Yeah, cool, that could be fun.  Let’s do it.”  – basically the same attitude I get from The Pedant back in the day.  Today, watching RG throw herself at Minx online (or at least proclaim loudly and repeatedly that she wishes someone would fuck her), I’ve suddenly remembered that not everyone is so laissez-faire.  Maybe Minx will hit on a girl someday and she’ll be like “fuck yeah” and come at him like a freight train.  Maybe instead of being playful like the Pedant, this hypothetical girl will get all hot ‘n’ heavy and try to steer things toward fucking.  And while Minx has iron self-control – I’ve seen him back off/cool down during sexytimes on many occasions, even when he’s two seconds from orgasm – he’s also kind of shy.  If a woman is being aggressive with him I could almost see him going further than we’d agreed upon simply because he’d feel rude shoving her away.  Hmmm…I had not articulated this worry to myself before; it only came out just now.  Minx actually told me that one reason he didn’t start anything up with RG is that they were alone in her house and it seemed too easy to end up rolling around on a bed or something; when he said this, I felt kinda nauseous.  Now I know why: I worry about his ability to control a situation.  Especially now that I see how persistent RG can be, and how awkwardly Minx dances around her – even in chat – trying to deal with her neediness.

(He did end up telling her he had fun at her place, btw.  She responded with “Me too.  It was nice having you here.  I get so lonely.”  ARRRGH the festering whiny neediness…that must’ve been the third time in six sentences that she mentioned feeling lonely and/or sad…I’m definitely wanting to keep this girl at arm’s length now.  If a pre-existing friend of mine is going through stuff I’ll do whatever I can to help, but when someone is clearly gonna be high-maintenance right from the getgo, my instinct is to throw myself clear.  DO NOT WANT.)

Anyway, Minx and I should definitely discuss my fear that someone could push him past our agreed-upon boundaries.  Discussion always makes me feel better. 🙂

One last thing that came up for me in all of this: for a while there I think I took “Minx is allowed to make out with RG” and “RG keeps talking about getting fucked” to the faulty conclusion of “….So obviously they’re gonna end up having sex.”  I realized this as I sat peeking over Minx’s shoulder at his chat window, and I said it out loud, and Minx reassured me that the sex stuff is coming from RG, not him.   Just because some cute girl says she wants to get laid doesn’t mean that Minx is powerless to resist; in fact, at this point he seems pretty ambivalent about even making out with her.  It’s becoming clearer and clearer that doing so would open up a gigantic can of worms that neither of us wants to deal with.

I still feel embarrassed at acting all freaked out over Minx and RG when nothing had even happened between them.  I asked Minx if he thought I was being unreasonable, and he said “You have reasons for feeling the way you do.”  And I told him that I really do think I can handle him making out with someone, but that I always pictured that someone being strong and independent and possibly even poly – someone who would have fun with Minx without pinning her hopes all over him.  I said that I was still fine with the idea of him making out with that one girl from OKCupid who called him “an exquisite creature” – she’s poly and has a primary partner, so her relationship needs are probably pretty much filled, and she generally seems to have her shit together.  She and Minx kinda drifted and never ended up meeting in person yet; Minx said that he’d like to try to make contact with her again, but is waiting until he has his own shit together.  He says that right now – with his anxiety and ADD and unemployment – he’s not a good dating prospect, so he doesn’t want to think about seeing anyone* until he’s got his feet back under him again.  He said that’s yet another reason he didn’t initiate anything with RG during their time together – it seemed to him that with both of them being kinda messed up right now, hooking up couldn’t possibly be a good idea.

How this boy got so wise and self-aware I’ll never know…but I think I’ll keep him. 🙂

 

*I prickled at his use of the words “dating” and “seeing someone” – I choose to think of us as “monogamish” because “polyamorous” sounds way too threatening and overwhelming – but who am I kidding?  The Pedant and I are seeing each other, albeit casually; we genuinely like each other and listen to each other’s problems and stuff, and although we don’t get together often, we’ve been doing our friendship-plus-makeouts thing for eight months now.  Minx is even more insistent than I am on being friends with someone before taking it further (on rare occasions, I’m attracted to someone enough that I’d kiss and grope them without knowing a single damn thing about them; Minx says he never feels attracted to someone until he knows and likes them), so whoever he makes out with will be “seeing” him, too.  I chose not to say anything to Minx about his particular word usage because it seems to me this is an issue only in my own head.