Dominance is my destiny.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been obsessed with being trusted and trustworthy.  When we did “trust exercises” in drama class I wanted to fuckin’ blow those exercises out of the water – to be so good at them that everyone in the whole class would clamour to be partnered with me because I made them feel absolutely safe.  One of those exercises involved leading a blindfolded classmate around; I remember how thrilled I felt to be entrusted with someone’s well-being, how vigilant I was in protecting it.

This drive to be trusted has also shown up in my career path (I thrive on being someone’s assistant – their “right hand man” on whom they depend completely.  If I were at all athletic, though, I’d probably have become a trapeze artist.  I want to catch someone in mid-air; I want to grab their hand and pull them away from certain death every single night) and my social interactions (I have, on many occasions, momentarily risen above my own phobias in order to protect a friend who was also afraid…and if someone close to me is in distress I start inwardly bracing myself, trying to build my psyche into solid wall around them to protect them while they fall apart.  Give me all your sadness; I’ll absorb and dissipate it for you.  Rage and cry and smash into me.  I have you.  You’re safe).

I’m glad that I’m a trustworthy person; it makes me a good worker and a good friend and just generally enriches my life.  But I don’t think that’s why I have a borderline fetish for being trusted.

I think it stems from my being dominant.  Like a closeted masochist drawn into physically abusive relationships because zie isn’t consciously aware of hir BDSM desires, I’ve been obsessively chasing intensely trusting relationships of all kinds because what I really want is to collar a boy and feel that he’s given himself to me completely.

Minx…does not really provide this for me.

He’ll tell me from time to time that I own his ass, and it’s hot when he does (in a sense, it’s even true).  And I do know that he loves me.  But BDSM-wise, I don’t think we synch up terribly well.

For a while I thought that he wasn’t submissive at all, just open to trying all kinds of different stuff.  I realize now that this is not the case; he does have submissive tendencies, and from what I can tell they all revolve around feeling “used”.  His fantasies include being made to feel like a sex toy and being woken up and “raped” (but not on work nights) – he wants to feel objectified, like I’m gonna fuck him because I want to and I don’t give a shit about his opinions or his pleasure.  And I…don’t know how to do that.  First off, his orgasm is the main reason I even do P-in-V with him; I don’t orgasm from penetration (and find it annoying after about ten minutes) but I love to feel him going off inside me.  So the dynamic Minx wants – the whole “you’re a human dildo and I don’t give a shit about your feelings” thing – that’s such a foreign idea to me that I don’t know if I could even pretend.  The other problem is that the whole “I get off on my dominant not caring about my feelings” thing is just too meta for me.  I understand a sub being interested in things zie’s too scared to do and needing a little push; I can’t understand a sub being turned on by doing things zie truly does not want to do.  So I can’t get into the headspace of “I’m gonna rape Minx now”; I start wondering whether he’ll be angry at being woken up or whether he’s even in the mood for sex, and I chicken out.

So, it seems as though Minx might get off on his thoughts and feelings being totally disregarded.  I, on the other hand, have always thrived on being really tuned in and responsive to a sub’s feelings.  Typically my play has involved tying a sub up and giving him pain and sexual stimulation at random intervals.  What I love is seeing how far I can go, painwise, without the sub having to safeword.  I’m pleased to note that no sub ever did safeword with me – which may indicate that I wasn’t going hard enough, but the terrified whimpers and struggling tell me otherwise.  That’s the part I love: feeling like I’m balanced right on the edge of what a sub can stand.  Making eye contact with him, afterwards, and seeing that I’ve taken him to a far-off place inside his head.  Seeing how amazed he is that I pushed his pain tolerance exactly enough without ever going too far.  That’s the trust I crave.

But Minx doesn’t like being hurt or frightened, and I don’t know how using him as a tool can give me what I need.  So we’re kind of at an impasse.

We have had some great moments while I’ve been massaging him, though.  Especially the time he was really stiff and sore from bottling up a lot of stress, and when I started to massage him he said, “make me cry.”  I oiled up my forearm and pushed it up his thigh with all my weight behind it and he screeeeeeeamed and I was all “Give it up for me, Boy.  Let it all out.”  ROWR.  And I just generally love how well I’ve come to know his sounds.  He didn’t notice it until I pointed it out, but I’ve gotten really good at reading him and knowing exactly when to let up.  When we were first going out, he would frequently have to tell me I was massaging him too hard; now, I hear him moan a certain way and I adjust the pressure automatically.

Still…the occasional rough massaging of Minx is not really enough for me, and I’ve been a pretty epic failure at play-raping him.  I’d like for both of us to be getting more of what we need.  Any suggestions(Things we can do together, I mean; neither of us is ready to play with other people full out).

18 Comments

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18 responses to “Dominance is my destiny.

  1. Hmmm. This is a tough pickle. I’ve been so lucky, so it seems now anyway, that Wonderboy is like a lost counterpart for what I want.

    About the rape play, because that’s one of my main kinks as well. What about not having to move? If you just sit on his cock and use a vibrator and tell him that he has to stay hard and he can’t come and it’s all your little secret and he better not scream because daddy’ll be really mad at him. Or whatever. (Hih!) I’ve noticet that rape play doesn’t necessarily have to be about violence, it can be about threat as well.

    Is he seriously not into pain at all, or could you also use like a twitching of the nipple or a knife’s blunt end to threaten him or to play with?

    You *can* be the trustworthy knight in abuse play or rape play too. It’s very usual that Wonderboy takes exactly that kind of a role, and keeps telling me, how my pleasure is meaningless to him, if I so much as let out a sigh.

    I can now so relate to the wanting to collar him! Is it really impossible for him to *be your slave* and *to be owned* like that? Is there something about it that’s really scary for him?

    It’s a bit tricky, but we’ve managed to bring *being used* even to cunnilingus. He just wants to tease me and torture, but won’t let me come. If *that* can work, I have no doubt there’s a configuration for you guys as well!

    • What about not having to move? If you just sit on his cock and use a vibrator and tell him that he has to stay hard and he can’t come

      He’d like that – he’s pretty much asked me to do that before – but I can’t really come sitting up (maybe alone, if I try really really hard, but not with the distraction of having someone under me).

      It frustrates and infuriates me that the fantasies he tells me all seem to require that my body work a completely different way than it does. I guess my fantasies are the same way (I wish he was more into pain, I wish he had hands-free prostate orgasms) but the difference is that I don’t pressure him! I’ve discussed these fantasies with him just enough to establish that they won’t work for him, and then I’ve shut up about them. And meanwhile, Minx knows I can orgasm only on my back or in doggie style and yet when we’re having spoon-sex or cowgirl-sex he’ll say “I want you to get yourself off. I don’t want to come until you do.” Which makes me want to reply, “Okay! But only after you’ve grown a pair of wings out of your back and let me ride you through the air like a pegasus because OH MY GOD THAT WOULD BE SO SEXY.” Because hey, if we’re obsessing on things that are FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE anyway, I might as well aim high.

      Is he seriously not into pain at all, or could you also use like a twitching of the nipple or a knife’s blunt end to threaten him or to play with?

      Sometimes being bitten on the neck or having his nipples pinched turns him on, sometimes it makes him say “ARRRGH NOT TODAY” and it takes a while to get the sexy mood back.

      And great minds think alike: last year when Minx and I first started talking about play-rape, I wanted to menace him with a knife and he made it very clear that this was a hard limit for him. So, I said what about if I used the handle of a spoon instead – which is better, really, because I could actually press it into him instead of just waving it around. I knew that once I got into the role of “rapist” I could make myself believe it was a real weapon. Minx, however, is apparently not that good at make-believe because he laughed at me and said it would feel far too ridiculous.

      I can now so relate to the wanting to collar him! Is it really impossible for him to *be your slave* and *to be owned* like that?

      Well, he’d certainly wear a collar for me and call himself mine, but that would feel like roleplay, not real. I’m not sure how to feel like he’s given himself to me. In the past I’ve only gotten a boy there through pain. The other route would be if Minx acted more submissive (crawling across the floor to me, kneeling at my feet while I watch tv, doing housework because I tell him to) but he works a very physical job and comes home sore so he’d only go for that once in a blue moon, if ever.

      I don’t mean to shoot down all of your suggestions. They’re good suggestions! I just have a terribly finicky boy. 😛

  2. I think I need to hire you to kidnap me. (Not in a sexual fetish way)… But I have ALWAYS wanted to be randomly kidnapped, tied up, black bagged and left in the middle of nowhere to survive and find my way home. But none of my friends have got the hint… and I don’t think any of my friends would take it as far as I want it, OR, I couldn’t TRUST with it.

    That being said, the sub/Dom relationship is a fascinating and complicated one. Who is really controlling who? How do the roles shift, ever so slightly? I’ve told some closer friends that if they were to follow my wishes, they’d better be prepared for a fight. I won’t go easily.

    Perhaps the sub switch is not one that is thrown suddenly… but is more like a “dimmer” and it’s intensity is gradually adjusted throughout a relationship – and even during moments of sexual interaction or flirtation?

    This is an area that has always interested me, thought I’m not totally interested in expressing it completely in a BDSM sexual experience……yet

    • I’ve told some closer friends that if they were to follow my wishes, they’d better be prepared for a fight. I won’t go easily.

      RRROWR. 😀

      Sorry, sorry. You said the kidnapping wasn’t a sex thing. But I love the idea of a sub fighting back so I really have to make him behave. Sadly, I don’t have the physical strength to back that up. I have had guys sorta playfight with me and let me win, which was still pretty hot.

      Perhaps the sub switch is not one that is thrown suddenly… but is more like a “dimmer” and it’s intensity is gradually adjusted throughout a relationship – and even during moments of sexual interaction or flirtation?

      I like this analogy, and would venture to say that even a sub who comes into a relationship willing and able to deal with really heavy play will still open up in new ways as the relationship becomes more intimate and more trust is developed. That’s one of the parts of D/s that I really love…the journey.

  3. Sometimes Minx seems to think very much like me, sometimes not. If I recall correctly you already do something with him that is beyond my limits of enjoyment because of trust issues; bondage where he actually can’t move, and is trusting you not to leave him or to do too much. I would not do that with anyone I didn’t trust enough to marry, and even then I wouldn’t like it, because I don’t trust people and because I want to be responsible and useful (for me used has less appropriate connotations than useful, though of course I want to be demonstrate my usefulness by being utilized.).

    So, if he lets you tie him, he may already be pushing his trust in you really far.

    • if he lets you tie him, he may already be pushing his trust in you really far.

      Mmmmmaybe, but I suspect being restrained just isn’t that big a deal for him. He let me tie him to the bed on our second date! Months later, I expressed my amazement at this: “…I mean, I could’ve been crazy for all you knew…what if I’d tied you up, left the room, and come back in with a BBQ lighter and a set of steak knives!?!”. He was like “Whoops, I guess that possibility didn’t occur to me.”

      I think there are a lot of times where he just doesn’t think about possible consequences. He’ll lie there perfectly relaxed, talking to me or watching a movie while I shave his taint with a Bic razor…meanwhile, all I can think of is what would happen if I slipped: would he bleed to death or just end up disfigured? He also let me put my fingers in his ass on that same second date (while he was tied up!). I believe he let at least one ex fuck him with a strap-on pretty early on, too. It’s like he’s too dumb to be afraid of stuff.

      All of which makes me realize: he’s never knowingly and deliberately placed his trust in my hands! No wonder I don’t get that feeling of ownership that I want; the times I was responsible for his safety, he didn’t really notice it! Maybe the next time I peg him my trash talk should take the form of “Scream all you want but I won’t stop fucking you. I’ll fuckin’ rip you in half with my cock if I feel like it.” You know, so he gets a glimpse of how badly things could go wrong, and stops taking my extreme trustworthiness and concern for granted.

      He definitely has a thing for wanting to prove his usefulness – that’s a good call. I’m still trying to figure out how to work that angle.

  4. Fnord

    “So, it seems as though Minx might get off on his thoughts and feelings being totally disregarded. I, on the other hand, have always thrived on being really tuned in and responsive to a sub’s feelings.”

    I’m just throwing this out there, but perhaps you could try objectifying Minx FOR his feelings, or the physical response to them, if that makes sense.
    “Your eyes are really pretty when they’re filled with tears, so I’m going to make you cry now.”

  5. Andy

    When I was younger (I mean, really young, like 15. Before I’d ever done anything sexual) I thought the same things you seem to be saying Minx thinks: I thought I wanted a dominant to completely disregard my pleasure and do whatever they liked with me while I was in unimaginable physical and mental anguish.

    Yeah, turns out what I really want is for a dominant to do is hurt me in exactly the specific ways I enjoy (spankings–yay! Needles–boo!) while they say threatening things and I pretend-sulk (with safewords, etc. in place, of course).

    I think it’s important to figure out (by discussing it with him, obviously) which thing Minx really wants. Because if he REALLY wants his thoughts and feelings disregarded…well then…why *not* hurt him? I mean, not more than he can stand, but if he’s getting off on being a martyr then he has to understand that this is what comes along with being a martyr. It’s not all penis-in-vagina intercourse and roses. I’m curious if he realizes that.

    • I asked Minx the other night whether he wants his feelings to really be disregarded or just have me pretend to disregard them. As has become his habit when I broach BDSMy subjects with him, he said “I can’t talk about this right now.” This time his excuse is that the apartment is too messy. I acknowledge that clutter can make it hard for some people to think straight, but I can’t help wondering if Minx is either trying to avoid talking about BDSM or trying to bribe me into cleaning the apartment.

      If it did turn out that he’s a true martyr…it would be really hard for me to overcome the Female Niceness Boot Camp that was my upbringing and actually hurt him. With a pain slut it’s different; I make a tentative move into paintown and zie makes a turned-on noise that encourages me to go further. I have no idea how a martyr would respond to pain…I’m guessing with very discouraging discomfort-noises, at least in the beginning.

  6. Hey, I found your blog through all your great commenting on RogueBambi’s blog, and I just wanted to say that I love this post.

    Re: Minx. I was just listening to Dan Savage’s podcast yesterday and he made a really good point about subs/bottoms. Many of us really want that experience of surrender – but we often don’t want to give it, we want it taken. His point was that it can actually be so much more sexually and emotionally satisfying to give it, but that can be difficult.

    I think his advice was that the top and bottom need to work together to find a way that the bottom can actively surrender in a way that is emotionally comfortable for them. I know that’s probably not super-helpful, but at least you can know this isn’t just you two who deal with this.

    Your thoughts on dominance as your destiny and trust are really interesting to me as well. I think for me the parallel realization was that I have always taken a lot of joy from pleasing other people (making them feel comfortable, or heard, or happy, or whatever it was I thought I could do to make their lives a tiny bit better), but that can be a bit of a tricky thing to deal with in a healthy way.

    • Thank you for your comment! It’s actually really interesting to know that giving one’s submission is generally a more satisfying experience than having it taken. I didn’t know that…I’ve been feeling like a failure, like maybe Minx isn’t being enough of a sub for me because I’m not asking for it with enough authority.

      On one hand, maybe he’s one of those newbie subs who fantasizes about submission but is afraid of the real thing (in his head he has ultimate control of what happens; in real life he does not) and needs me to push him. On the other hand, if he says “Argh! Don’t bite me today, it doesn’t feel good” then who am I to ignore his wishes?

      Part of my trust obsession is that I always want enthusiastic consent (at least ahead of time). Ideally I’d want to discuss Minx’s submissive desires thoroughly so I know, outright, whether he wants to be pushed into things he doesn’t like, or what. Unfortunately he doesn’t seem very good at articulating his thoughts on the subject.

      Tangent: I read that post you made at Rogue Bambi’s about the tension between you and your dominant roommate and found it totally hot. 😀

      • I’ve been feeling like a failure, like maybe Minx isn’t being enough of a sub for me because I’m not asking for it with enough authority.

        I feel like it’s impossible to be a failure at this when you’re giving it so much thought and care and attention. It sounds like the two of you just need to find the space where you overlap. It does sound like the two of you have different ideas about D/s, so it might take a lot of talking to find that overlap – and if he has difficulty talking, that could definitely be a roadblock until you find a communication style that is comfortable for him.

        I very briefly had a partner where we had a somewhat similar problem. I still really do get off on feeling “used” and feeling like my desires are being disregarded, but I now really love giving myself up to my partner for that. However, he wasn’t really comfortable with that, which is ok, but he also wasn’t willing to talk about it, which isn’t ok. (In his case, I think he took it as a knock on his masculinity, oy) So things didn’t work out with him – but as you might guess, there were other serious issues as well.

      • Oh, also, glad you liked the roommate story! 😀 I actually wrote a full-length post about that on my blog: http://afeministsub.wordpress.com/2011/08/23/subtle-submission

  7. Very interesting.

    Your description of your psychology with trust and protection and trustworthiness could easily be me- I play out that role in so many ways in my friendships, in my gaming, in other ways- but power differentials leave me cold sexually, so I’ve never been able to get far with BDSM in any form. I don’t know if it would be different with a different person, but my relationship with Stingray is built from a place of two strong-willed equals and screwing with that dynamic rarely winds up feeling organic. (As a side note I have no idea whether I managed to say that without being insensitive and insulting. Apologies if not, it is not what I meant- I think of you and Minx as equals as well, all I know is it feels weird to act out something different for us.)

    I also know what it feels like to apparently share a specific kink, but to have it turn out on further discussion that we’re into said kink for COMPLETELY different and nearly incompatible psychological reasons; it sorta sucks but it’s better than butting heads trying to figure out why the other person doesn’t work like they should in our fantasies.

    The only thing I can actually contribute constructively is over the years we’ve worked out ways to chalk out spaces and places and states we can talk freely when ordinarily we might not be able to. I guess ideally we could talk about whatever whenever, and if not schedule it for later, but… caught in the wrong mindset (and I’m a badger who burrows deep into whatever my current mindset is) I’m as blank as Minx, not out of avoidance but because I literally can’t even conceive of what I might like for dinner the next week if I’m already thinking about other things. I am, of course, not him… and he may very well be being avoidant.

    It feels ludicrious to admit this, but for us it involves being slightly drunk but not really drunk, and watching/doing certain things that are amusing but not compelling… but practically speaking it works GREAT and we are capable of having far more honest and reflective conversations than otherwise. I think it’s just a Skinner-box thing of having inadvertently trained it, but… it works when other things don’t, and it’s a major pressure valve.

  8. Pingback: How it went down, part II: the truth comes out. | hiding in plain sight

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