For as long as I can remember, I’ve been obsessed with being trusted and trustworthy. When we did “trust exercises” in drama class I wanted to fuckin’ blow those exercises out of the water – to be so good at them that everyone in the whole class would clamour to be partnered with me because I made them feel absolutely safe. One of those exercises involved leading a blindfolded classmate around; I remember how thrilled I felt to be entrusted with someone’s well-being, how vigilant I was in protecting it.
This drive to be trusted has also shown up in my career path (I thrive on being someone’s assistant – their “right hand man” on whom they depend completely. If I were at all athletic, though, I’d probably have become a trapeze artist. I want to catch someone in mid-air; I want to grab their hand and pull them away from certain death every single night) and my social interactions (I have, on many occasions, momentarily risen above my own phobias in order to protect a friend who was also afraid…and if someone close to me is in distress I start inwardly bracing myself, trying to build my psyche into solid wall around them to protect them while they fall apart. Give me all your sadness; I’ll absorb and dissipate it for you. Rage and cry and smash into me. I have you. You’re safe).
I’m glad that I’m a trustworthy person; it makes me a good worker and a good friend and just generally enriches my life. But I don’t think that’s why I have a borderline fetish for being trusted.
I think it stems from my being dominant. Like a closeted masochist drawn into physically abusive relationships because zie isn’t consciously aware of hir BDSM desires, I’ve been obsessively chasing intensely trusting relationships of all kinds because what I really want is to collar a boy and feel that he’s given himself to me completely.
Minx…does not really provide this for me.
He’ll tell me from time to time that I own his ass, and it’s hot when he does (in a sense, it’s even true). And I do know that he loves me. But BDSM-wise, I don’t think we synch up terribly well.
For a while I thought that he wasn’t submissive at all, just open to trying all kinds of different stuff. I realize now that this is not the case; he does have submissive tendencies, and from what I can tell they all revolve around feeling “used”. His fantasies include being made to feel like a sex toy and being woken up and “raped” (but not on work nights) – he wants to feel objectified, like I’m gonna fuck him because I want to and I don’t give a shit about his opinions or his pleasure. And I…don’t know how to do that. First off, his orgasm is the main reason I even do P-in-V with him; I don’t orgasm from penetration (and find it annoying after about ten minutes) but I love to feel him going off inside me. So the dynamic Minx wants – the whole “you’re a human dildo and I don’t give a shit about your feelings” thing – that’s such a foreign idea to me that I don’t know if I could even pretend. The other problem is that the whole “I get off on my dominant not caring about my feelings” thing is just too meta for me. I understand a sub being interested in things zie’s too scared to do and needing a little push; I can’t understand a sub being turned on by doing things zie truly does not want to do. So I can’t get into the headspace of “I’m gonna rape Minx now”; I start wondering whether he’ll be angry at being woken up or whether he’s even in the mood for sex, and I chicken out.
So, it seems as though Minx might get off on his thoughts and feelings being totally disregarded. I, on the other hand, have always thrived on being really tuned in and responsive to a sub’s feelings. Typically my play has involved tying a sub up and giving him pain and sexual stimulation at random intervals. What I love is seeing how far I can go, painwise, without the sub having to safeword. I’m pleased to note that no sub ever did safeword with me – which may indicate that I wasn’t going hard enough, but the terrified whimpers and struggling tell me otherwise. That’s the part I love: feeling like I’m balanced right on the edge of what a sub can stand. Making eye contact with him, afterwards, and seeing that I’ve taken him to a far-off place inside his head. Seeing how amazed he is that I pushed his pain tolerance exactly enough without ever going too far. That’s the trust I crave.
But Minx doesn’t like being hurt or frightened, and I don’t know how using him as a tool can give me what I need. So we’re kind of at an impasse.
We have had some great moments while I’ve been massaging him, though. Especially the time he was really stiff and sore from bottling up a lot of stress, and when I started to massage him he said, “make me cry.” I oiled up my forearm and pushed it up his thigh with all my weight behind it and he screeeeeeeamed and I was all “Give it up for me, Boy. Let it all out.” ROWR. And I just generally love how well I’ve come to know his sounds. He didn’t notice it until I pointed it out, but I’ve gotten really good at reading him and knowing exactly when to let up. When we were first going out, he would frequently have to tell me I was massaging him too hard; now, I hear him moan a certain way and I adjust the pressure automatically.
Still…the occasional rough massaging of Minx is not really enough for me, and I’ve been a pretty epic failure at play-raping him. I’d like for both of us to be getting more of what we need. Any suggestions? (Things we can do together, I mean; neither of us is ready to play with other people full out).