I have anxiety issues. I overthink things all the time and get lost in my own churning thoughts so thoroughly that some nights I can’t sleep. Thanks to Minx, I’ve realized that intense physical sensations help me get out of my head; I find it literally impossible to maintain any kind of thought process if I’m, for instance, being massaged or getting vigorously fucked, and the silence in my brain during those moments is a tremendous relief. Physical pleasure has saved me from myself on many, many occasions now and I can’t believe I never made the connection until recently.
Here’s where it gets weird for me: pain has the same effect.
I mean, duh, right? Of course I can’t think straight if something’s hurting me – that’s pretty much a standard feature of human beings. But what it all boils down to is that now, when I’m feeling caught in one of my neverending anxiety-loop things, I sometimes crave pain. And since I associate craving pain with being submissive, this makes me feel all conflicted.
You see, I’ve had people question my dominant orientation because I enjoy missionary and doggie style and because I’m somewhat shy in social situations and, y’know, because I’m a woman…and now there’s a whole new reason for people to smirk, condescend to me, and completely dismiss my stated identity. And I hate that.
Ozymandias blogged a while back that zie identifies as dominant and a masochist, which made me realize for the first time ever that masochism and submission aren’t inherently intertwined*. More recently, Stabbity eloquently exploded the whole “if you like being on the bottom, you must not be a domme” stereotype into a bajillion pieces. So there are at least two people out there who pretty much get where I’m coming from and won’t accuse me of being a sub or switch just because Minx whacked the bottoms of my feet today until I was woozy with endorphins.
To everyone else (and to myself, since I obviously need the reinforcement) I want to clarify a few things: the occasional pain I request from Minx happens in a completely neutral context. There’s no dynamic of “you’ve been a naughty girl” or “MUAH HA HA, YOU’RE AT MY MERCY!” There’s no safeword, because I have no interest in getting my limits pushed or in being able to scream/struggle while Minx ignores my distress. There’s simply Minx doing whatever I tell him to do, until I tell him to stop. The pain doesn’t turn me on at all**; as previously mentioned, it just makes it so I stop thinking for a while, and releases happy chemicals into my brain. Also, I don’t crave pain every time my brain gets all twirly. Sometimes I need to be caressed. Just depends on the day.
Now that that’s out of the way…have you ever had the sole of your foot walloped with a paddle? Right in the arch – POW. It feels explosively thuddy and seems to loosen up any tight muscles (when I get stressed I often feel it mostly in my feet). It’s not something I want every day, but it’s pretty awesome.
Also awesome? Getting my trapezius muscle (where my neck meets my shoulder) squeezed really hard. I always enjoy this, so Minx will do it randomly without waiting to be asked. For some reason, though, my reptilian hindbrain interprets his shoulder-squeezes as a challenge or a threat or something; I get all snarly and trash-talky (“Is that all you got, motherfucker? Come on, bitch, give it to me.”***). So, good times all around.
*I know that not all subs are into pain, but I assumed that anyone who’s into pain must be a sub.
**Although even if it did, that still wouldn’t make me a sub.
***Yes, I’ve also been known to talk like that in bed. Sometimes very loudly.