Exploration

Minx has continued giving me orgasms (instead of me having to do it myself every time), and it’s helped my state of sexual “meh”-ness a lot…although not entirely.

I used to have a pretty huge sex drive.  It’s been way lower than what I think of as “usual” for the last year or more, and I’ve tentatively made my peace with that; I’m starting to think this is just a natural decline due to me getting older.  No, the thing that’s bugging me lately is that these orgasms Minx gives me take longer than I feel they should because I can’t settle on a fantasy that gets my motor running.

This never used to be a problem for me.  Used to be I’d have sexy thoughts all the time, whether I was actually in the middle of a sex act or not.  And while wanking, I even still used some of the same fantasies I did back in high school…they only started losing their novelty for me a few years ago.  In fairness, this might be tied in with my lower sex drive; Minx’s ministrations often begin out of the blue, without me being especially horny and without a lot of foreplay, and maybe that’s why I have to “channel surf” inside my head for like ten minutes in order to find something that’ll ultimately get me there.

I’m almost 39 years old; I’ve been having orgasms since I was 8 (during my high school years I probably averaged one or two per day…); maybe I’ve used up most of my allotted sex drive for this lifetime and it’s time for things to settle down now.  It makes a kind of sense to me.  And yet…I can’t help wondering whether everything would come surging back again if I had a different partner.  One with a lovely average-sized penis that didn’t tend to chafe me after ten minutes.  One with “on buttons” that stay constant from day to day so I’d know exactly where to push to reduce him to a quivering puddle at my feet.  One who’s more of a submissive and a masochist than Minx.

I’m increasingly interested in going further with BDSM.  I want to know what it feels like to hit someone as hard as I can – and they love it.  I want to experience a partner who longs to be a total object and satisfy my desires with no thought for their own.  Okay, I’ll admit it, I want someone like Rogue Bambi…except probably with a penis.

Setting aside the fact that Minx may not let me play with others to that extent, there’s also the issue that I’m not sure I could dominate a guy I didn’t like but I’m not sure I could hit a guy I did like.  Actually, fuck that, I could totally hit a guy I liked.  I just couldn’t do it if it upset him.  But someone who gasped and got turned on – like how Minx occasionally gets hard from a vigorous spanking – yeah.  Yes, please.  Yup.

The other day Minx was stimulating me with our new Hitachi Magic Wand and I was flipping through various mental images, trying to find something that would work for me.  Nothing vanilla had much effect…imagining myself dominating Minx in any hardcore way was an immediate cold shower because I know he wouldn’t let me in real life so it felt, I dunno, manipulative or something…imagining myself dominating any of my more submissive exes was another cold shower because I felt guilty about mentally “cheating”…what I finally settled on was me as a cis-male, jerking off onto a (literally!) faceless, chained-down guy in a black PVC zentai suit with face-hood thingy*.  Alongside a group of guys who were also jerking off onto/humping/slapping our victim (who was terrified but also enjoying it, of course…what would sexual fantasies be without someone going “Oh my, I shouldn’t let you do this to me, it’s so naughty…*MOAN*”?).

I could feel my lifelong female “niceness training” kick in a few times during the fantasy** and I kept having to repress it, but the fact remains: picturing a guy being hardcore objectified (and liking it) is what got the job done.

Now, if only I could feel the arousal without it being inhibited by all this fucking emotional baggage.  ’Cause right now, I can’t tell whether I kinda liked this fantasy, or whether I liked it a lot but my enjoyment was being suppressed by my feelings of guilt and fear and whatnot.  On an intellectual level, I understand that fantasies are all in my head and I shouldn’t feel weird or bad about them, but I can’t make myself feel it.  I don’t know how to let go and just think about whatever I want.

 

 

*Black because it shows the semen better.  PVC because it’s impermeable and therefore lowers the risk of the sub contracting STDs.  Safety first!  p.s. the link is un-gross and should be safe for work.

** “But whyyyyyy would you want to doooooo that to someone?!?!  It’s so meeeeean!!!” also, undertones of “How can you be thinking of someone other than your boyfriend?  Especially when he’s the one giving you this orgasm?  That’s so rude!” and “If you let yourself fantasize about these sorts of things, you’ll get hooked on the idea and regular sex will lose all of its appeal and your relationship will be ruined!!!”