More thoughts on openness

(This stuff all happened before the big New Year’s Eve fight, so I didn’t get a chance to write about it, but I’m going to now.  I like keeping these conversations for posterity.)

So a little while ago, I asked Minx whether he’d changed his mind re: Ingenue makeouts.  Minx said no.  I asked why not (making it clear that I meant it in a “help me understand your headspace” way and not in a whiny “Awwww, come on, why notttt?” way) and Minx was like “Well, I met him and I don’t think he’s attractive.”

“Does that mean you’re attracted to The Pedant?” I asked, giggling.  ”When I showed him to you on Facebook were you like ‘ooooh, he’s dreamy!  Cowgirl should make out with him so I can live vicariously through her!’” (I knew that wasn’t the case, but the idea still kinda turned me on).

“No, of course not,” Minx said.  ”But The Ingenue…I just don’t see the point.  He’s average-looking, he doesn’t seem that bright…I don’t get it.”

“I guess I can see how you’d think that, but once you get to know him, his sweetness and sense of humour come through and he starts being hot.  And also he and I were reeeeeally compatible in bed.  Just sayin’.”  This conversational direction was strange to me.  Why does Minx feel that he should find my partners attractive or appealing?  Shouldn’t it be enough that I do?

Minx said that he could understand me being interested in The Pedant because The Pedant was new; I was satisfying my curiosity.  But revisiting someone I’d already had seemed weird to him.  I reiterated that I wanted to revisit The Ingenue because the sex/makeouts were so excellent; it’s fun to satisfy curiosity about someone new, but it would be disappointing to go through the whole process of meeting someone and vetting them for appropriateness and asking Minx’s permission and explaining the situation to the other guy, only to find that he kisses like a toilet plunger.  I have fairly stringent makeout standards and all the usual girl-issues of “Will this guy treat me like a human being and not an object?  Will he back off if I tell him to?  Will he take direction well?” so when I find someone good, I like to keep him.  In all honesty, I think Minx may not fully understand this because his male privilege means that he has likely never thought “OMG what if I want to stop making out but this person doesn’t listen and I end up getting raped” in his entire life.  Safety is a factor for me that it isn’t for him, is what I’m saying.  Although I can’t remember whether I explained this to Minx at the time.  I do remember telling him (again; I’ve said it before) that revisiting an old FWB is less threatening because I’ve already assessed their dating potential and found it lacking.  With a new person, who knows?  Maybe I’d end up falling for them.

Minx ended up summing up his feelings as “I kind of only want you having makeouts you could take or leave.  I feel like you’re not attached to The Pedant and could easily drop him.  With The Ingenue, I’m not so sure.”

“Yeah, but Minx…I can take or leave The Ingenue.  I’m ‘leaving’ him right now, in fact; you told me you didn’t want me making out with him, so we just hang out as friends.  However, I do see what you’re saying.  If I made out with The Ingenue, I think I would be visibly thrilled about it and have to restrain myself from gushing about how much fun it was and how sweet he is.  I really can’t see him eclipsing what I have with you – not by a long shot – but it is possible that I would like him enough to make you uncomfortable.  And I cannot stress enough that our relationship is my highest priority and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it or make you feel yucky.  I’m happy to shelve the idea of Ingenue makeouts and stick within whatever parameters make you feel safe.”

I think this paraphrased conversation is missing some bits (like when I pointed out the irony of Minx only approving of makeouts if I don’t enjoy them too much – I know I mentioned the hilarity of it, and that he acknowledged it too, but I can’t remember at what point this happened); it also sounds a lot more argumentative than it really was.  In actuality, our discussion was relaxed and mostly philosophical in tone, and I was asking a lot of hypothetical and “devil’s advocate” questions to try understand Minx’s point of view better, and there was a lot of snuggling and kissing and we felt really close to each other.  Ultimately, the question of whether I could make out with The Ingenue made an amazing jumping-off point for Minx and I to talk openly about our feelings and increase our level of intimacy with each other – which more than makes up for the fact that Minx said no.

But!  Here’s a fascinating thing (to me, anyway): not long after that discussion, a girl responded to Minx’s profile on OKCupid (looking strictly for friends).  Her first message simply said “You are a divine creature!” but she quickly followed up with a second message apologizing for coming off like a horndog and initiating some real conversation.  I love that she called Minx a “divine creature” – this seems to me like the best possible compliment a crossdresser could ask for.  And this girl is gorgeous – gorgeous!  (Minx agrees that she’s really pretty, although he doesn’t gush about it like I do…she might be more my physical type than his.)  And her messages are articulate and she and Minx have a lot of things in common.  And she’s in an open relationship, so clearly she’s on board with nonmonogamy and would almost certainly make out with Minx if he asked.  And I find myself being totally fine with the idea – because she seems awesome and gives Minx’s beauty the reverence it deserves.

I’m not sure whether Minx’s initial assertion – that he needs to see the appeal in another dude in order to approve my makeouts with him – is really how he feels, or just an idea he threw out there until we got the real heart of the matter (him being afraid that I’ll get too attached to The Ingenue).  But I totally get the concept now.  I mean, I think I’d let Minx make out with just about anyone he wanted (provided zie understood and respected the terms of our relationship) but apparently it makes me super-extra-excited when the possible third party seems really cool and interesting.  It seems I’ve reached a level of trust and compersion I never thought possible, and unreservedly want Minx to have someone awesome.

Wanna hear something amazing, though?  I was so gung ho for Minx to finally make out with someone* that I actually said out loud to him, “I’m not sure whether to ask you to establish a friendship with this girl first, or to give you carte blanche on makeouts right from the getgo.”  And Minx emphatically said, “Nooooo, I wouldn’t make out with her on our first meeting even if you said okay.  My first priority is to make new friends.  I just want to focus on that for now, without complicating things.”

And he’s right; he has almost nobody to hang out with anymore, and he needs that way more than he needs “extracurricular activity”.  This, folks, is why I trust Minx with every molecule of my body, mind, and heart.  He’s self-aware (usually ), he knows what’s best for him, he has iron-clad self-control and he always thinks with his brain and not his cock.

Another tidbit of news: I hung out with The Latent Heterosexual recently.  I had a fantastic time, and our hug goodbye was genuine and warm and lasted several minutes.  And…he’s recently opened up his relationship with his girlfriend.  I decided that I would like to make out with him – not exactly out of sexual attraction per se, but as a continuation of the affection expressed in our talks and our hugs.  It’s not something I need, you understand, but it would be nice.  Also, if it happened, I would (as far as I know) be the first other person on his side of the open relationship – and I like the idea of doing that for him.  I won’t go further than clothed making out, so TLH’s girlfriend won’t have too much new stuff to deal with, and if she does end up freaking out I know my friendship with TLH will survive it; we’ll just go back to not making out.

When I asked Minx’s permission for Latent Heterosexual makeouts…he said okay pretty much immediately!  Which frankly I didn’t expect at all because not only is TLH probably not attractive enough for Minx’s standards, he’s also the guy I was seeing before and slightly during my relationship with Minx.  You’d think the fact that I want to “revisit” would be threatening to Minx…but somehow, it is not.

That boy just keeps on amazing me every day.

 

 

 

*Admittedly, not so much for his benefit as so the proverbial other shoe would drop…I want to get the first time over with so I can know for sure how it makes me feel!